no tomorrow, 2000

Diamonds. Small pieces of carbon with no great intrinsic value had been causing widespread death, destruction, and misery for almost a decade by 2000 in the small West African country of Sierra Leone.
In the 60's and 70's, a really weak post-independence democracy was taken over by state-sponsored corruption. The economy declined and the rule of the military than followed. The rebellion that began in 91 could be characterized by banditry and horrific brutality, primarily wreaked on civilians. The war claimed over 75 thousand! lives, causing half a million of Sierra Leoneans to become refugees, and displaced half of the countries 4.5 million people.
The point of the war might not have been to win, but to engage in crimes being profitable under the cover of warface. Organized crime over the years began to influence the informal mining of diamonds which was mainly dominated by what people would call "disorganized crime". Transcontinental smuggling not just of diamonds, but of other horrible things such as guns, drugs and disgusting sums of money were an influence aswell. Violence was becoming central to the advancement of those with vested interests.
Now De Beers, until the 80's, was directly involved in Sierra Leone. De Beers had concessions to mine diamonds off the shore and maintained a buying office in town. Ever after that time, the relationship had been indirect. De Beers ran a diamond trading company through Liberia and an office in Guinea. Both countries didn't even produce a lot of diamonds. Liberia was known to be a transit country for smuggling diamonds. It's through it's companies and buying offices in the West of Africa, in their attempt to mop up supplies throughout the world, that the company was purchasing diamonds, in one way or another, that had been smuggled out of Sierra Leone.
The first Sierra Leone diamond was found in 1930. The production of top quality gem diamonds began in 1935. Siaka Stevens became Prime Minister 7 years after independence in 1968. He was a populist and quickly turned diamonds into a political issue. He encouraged illicit mining and even became involved in criminal activities. In 71, he created the National Diamond Mining Company. All decisions were made by Stevens and his right hand man, some Lebanese character.
From the late 70s to early 90s, aspects of Lebanon's civil war were played out in miniature in Sierra Leone. The country's diamonds became an important informal tax base and the Lebanese sought finanical assistance from the country. The right hand Lebanese bloke was sent into exile after a failed coup attempt. This opened doors for many Israeli "investors" and Russian and American crime families, with dirty ties.
In 1991, the Revolutionary United Front (RUF) rebel began. A military government took over - the National Provisional Ruling Council (NPRC). Despite change, RUF attacks still continued. Liberia just acted as a banker, as a a trainer, a mentor to the RUF. Pft.
By the end of the 90's, Liberia had become a major centre for massive diamond-related criminal activity. In return for weapons, it provided RUF with an outlet for diamonds and had done the same for other diamond producing countries, providing a safe haven for organized criminal acts and fuelling war.

i'm tired, to be continued.

there's thing i can't justify

at first i missed you like i'd miss sight or taste or hearing - you were an extra sense for me. i felt like i'd been blinded. goodbye's too gooda' word, baby. so i'll just say farewell and keep on moving.

my body breaks and my body is fine. i'm open to yours and i'm open to mine. my body aches the ache takes it's time, but you'll get over yours and i'll get over mine. and the sun will shine. and the moon will rise. my body calls. it calls out, it whispers at first, but it ends with a shout. my body burns, it burns strong until mine is with yours, than mine will burn on. my flesh sings out. it sings "honey come put me out." my body sways like the wind on a swing. a bridge through a hoop, or a lake through a ring. my body stays and than my body moves on. and i'd really rather not dwell on when yours will be gone. within the dark, there is a shine. one tiny spark, thats yours and mine.

malcolm is cuddled in his favourite sweater, that has become my favourite aswell, and not only for sentimental reasons but for plain old comfort. the months of this past year are neatly pinned on my wall. with each picture, i remember each month. i remember. i put away everything else that reminded me. in a box, in my closet. nothing's closure enough because sometimes i doubt i'll ever be able to get closure, but hey.. it was a step. forwards, backwards, which way i don't know, but atleast i'm not standing still.

(M)ilk and (H)oney

i had a dream about you that woke me. it's 4a.m and these are the words running around in my head, dying to get out.

will the change come while we're waiting? make me a witness, take me out of darkness, out of doubt. will we burn in heaven? like we do down here? everyone is waiting. will mercy be revealed or blind us where we stand? everyone is waiting. i swear i feel you breathe. like you're lying next to me. if you've really set me free, tell me why you're haunting me. something's in the air that i can't see.

i tell myself to hold on. "hold on to yourself, for this is going to hurt like hell, you know that only time will tell" what is it in me that refuses to believe this isn't better than the real thing? i lie awake and pray that you'll be strong and together we'll see another day. and we will praise it. and i love the light that brings a smile across your face. "hold on, hold on to yourself, for this is going to hurt like hell" there's nothing i'd like better than to fall.

you speak to me in riddles, you speak to me in rhyme. i ache to breathe your breath. your words keep me alive. memories trapped in time. and i have the sense to recognize that i don't know how to let you go. every moment marked with apparitions of your soul. i'm ever swiftly moving trying to escape this desire, this yearning to be near you. i do what i have to do. broken by the rules of love, fate has led us through it, but i don't know how to let you go.

and all i feel is black and white.
and i'm wound up so small and tight.
and i don't know WHO i am.

unravel me, untie this chord, the very center of our union is caving in. i am the archive of our failure. i push it back to get through each day.

ok, so the winter is here, and i feel cold and bitter. it's chilled me to the bone. i feel like i haven't seen the sun in weeks, like i'm too long, too far from home. i feel just like i'm sinking and i'm crawling for solid ground. pulled down from the undertow, i never thought i could feel so low. and oh darkness, i just feel like letting go. if all of the strength and all of the courage, come and lift me from this place, i know i can love you much better than this, full of grace, my love. it's just that we stayed too long in the same old sickly skin.

well, that's a nice save :) how right could you get? the middle line. balance and being whole, heading up it, where you're supposed to be.

i don't know what i want.

i'm dreaming of a white christmas..

...just like the ones i used to know. there's the understanding that it is just another day, that most of us don't celebrate the true meaning of, nor celebrate at all, but instead just use as an excuse to burn holes in our pockets. there is still the feeling that it is a time to be spent with others, particularly loved ones. so even though i don't feel the christmas spirit, even though there's no white christmas jingling through my head like every other year and even though i could care less about getting presents, i can't help but feel a little empty because it seems my christmas shall be spent alone. do i make the effort to go to my mother's? to be shot at with accusatory nonsense? to be the one to calm my mother because yet again she'll be playing the monkey in the middle? my brother will be stoned or burned out and therefore, in a haze, as per usual. i don't want to hear about how kabbalah is bullshit. i don't want to hear about mark. i don't want to hear about how i'm not an adult. i make my own decisions and i stepped up to the plate, and tried with all my might to do something to make everyone else happy, and it just resulted in a hole of mine. i am able to see it from both sides, so even if what he says, what he believes doesn't make sense on a personal level to me, i can understand how it may apply to him, and his beliefs. all he ever does is bust out his papers. do i try and go to dinner and have all this bs go through my head? i'd be leaving anyways, whether it would be on a good note or not. i almost want to spend it alone, because than i atleast have the certainty that i won't feel a bunch of commotion, maybe lonliness but lately i haven't been spending enough quality time with myself. my mind's all over the place right now, i'm going back to lay down and read.

That was one of the hardest things I've ever done. Gulping them down, I held back tears and almost choked on my drink. I'm scared, I don't want to feel this way alone.

Moyamoyamoyamoyamoya

Last night was great, all my friends get along so very well and I was happy to see so many shining, smiling faces. You could feel the love filling each room.







But things are more complicated than they seem. The four APO-250's sit on my desk next to this keyboard, my phone being next to them. 6 letters on the screen, blinking, blinking, blinking. Send. Your conversation sits on the bottom of the screen and I sit waiting, wishing for it to blink orange. I wish I could see the sun right now like you can. I have to take these, but I know I will vomit. Vomit or slowly kill yourself? I know I'd rather vomit, but I'm scared because I'm alone in this. People don't ask for such things. I mean perhaps there are ways to ask, but when you get to the bottom of everything, that is never the case. I dread this because I know of the symptoms. We know of so many symptoms yet continue on, we choose to do so. No reply. No reply. I'm running downstairs to fill up on milk. I'm scared. I miss being held, but not just being held, but being held and knowing with all my heart, that was my home. I associate it with Mark seeing as he's been the only person in my life thus far who I've felt anything truly, truly, truly real for. That makes me miss him. I remember when we fought at Caitlin's because he didn't want me to stay with him and get in trouble again. We fought and I argued and I cried and afterwards, he held me and gave me assurance. Everyday is different. I never count on myself to feel the same way I do tomorrow, or even in a few short hours. There are only a few things I know are concrete. They're worth holding on to. I've got that sick feeling you get in your stomach when the rollercoaster has travelled up, and is just heading down a steep track. Where your stomach flies above your head. I suppose that's similar to this, i've hit a low. I wish I could see the sun like you can right now. That means it would be morning, and that this night would end.

my mum just walked over with the dog because she was nice enough to buy me smokes and even stop by for them. dale is upstairs talking to her. my friends just came over for lunch and we smoked up. and the bong is sitting on the table. i don't like associating such things with my mother and i feel horrible about it right now. it's funny because mark and i were talking this morning about smoking and being paranoid opposed to how we used to be. i don't think i've ever recorded a paranoia trip, but my heart is beating far too fast. i think it just goes to show that i do want to be responsible, and that in many senses, i am. dale's coming...

Marriott Hotels & Resorts

Not 1999, or 2000, but 2006. Time flies. Things I thought were important aren't nearly as significant and life has and will continue to keep moving on. I am grateful to have been so.. keen? as to have written my thoughts down on paper and stored away on this database. Analysing my states in such a way has been, I think, fairly beneficial to my overall health. It was Caitlin's birthday yesterday, the big 18. :) Today I'm having a party for her. It just dawned on me that everyone will be back together, a huge bit of summer rekindled. Last night I sat infront of this screen, shaking my feet, bobbing my head, surging with anticipation and antsy feelings whilst typing. I haven't felt that antsy in a long time. I remember sitting at the bus station waiting, breathing becoming a foreign task. There is a lot less stress in my life, or is it just that it's the same but i've learned how to cope? We've all gone on such different routes since September, yet tonight here most of us shall be. This room is filled with the aromas of summer. And this time it's not bittersweet, it's just god damn exciting :) Malcolm <3 is sitting on my shoulder as I sit and write this. I think he's mesmerized by the sound of the keys. I'm typing fast enough. He feels warm with me - I rub my cheek against his cute, little, furry face and he purrs automatically. My baby boy. Yesterday Andrea said she couldn't find him, and my heart started pounding out of my chest. All I could think as I scrambled around for him, was of the image of him on the street, hurt. I suppose that's how our parents feel when we're late, when we leave them in the dark. I'm losing track of where I was..... Tonight shall not be a blast to the past, but a step forward, into the new year, with friends new and old. We take our past wherever we go. I'm glad to have all these wonderful parts of me still around. I love my friends and I love that recently I have made peace with things that had gone unsettled. No drama, no worries, smiles all around. My antsy feelings also made me think of Mark. Maybe I needed him to leave the country in order to get over him. I say this and for me, not him: All things from the C, and not for any selfish reason, or atleast that is my intention, which matters. They are in what truly feels, to be the right place. It's a tingly feeling. If he were still here, maybe I'd be crying right now, maybe I would have allowed myself to have my heart broken even more so. I took so much out of our relationship and I am forever grateful and glad we were together when we were, but we are no more with the ways I once would fall to the ground to have back. I repeat this in my head as I type it, a million times over. *Click* I do hold on, but in different ways now. And my love will always run thick, and strong, unable to ever really have it cut off. So long as you know who knows that I will always be here for him. But for now.. my feet are on the ground (well, okay... maybe only one), my head in the cloud, my eyes set on the moon, my arms encompassing, embracing the earth. This feeling can be described with one word: whole.
How you gun' win when you ain't right within? :)

i know i am capable of loving with more of myself now, loving on a more unconditional level. as i have grown throughout past relationships, i have endured ups and downs, as anyone would. i have made mistakes aswell as made some really great decisions that have bettered and furthered myself. and it's only in my present state that i can understand my past. i look back and everything seems clear. my wrongs, my mistakes. we all make them. i've learned to forgive myself. and in doing so, in being able to still have faith in myself throughout so much detriment to my being and perhaps others in the process, in being able to still forgive and love myself, i am able to feel that exact way for others. i am ready to accept someone fully. i am ready to be there through another's faults, to stand tall beside another, to truly love with all i've got so far. its true the saying, your true first and last love: self love. we're not too halves making a whole, we're two wholes, merging, linking our chains.

from afar, she thinks they look to be blue.

she'll get back to her.

Let's go back to the start

honey, you are a rock upon which i stand. i come here to talk. i hope you understand. ______ eyes, you're the spotlight, it shines upon you. and how could anybody deny you? i came here with a low, but it feels so much lighter now i met you. and honey, you should know i could never go on without you. _____ eyes :) honey, you are the sea upon which i float. and i came here to talk. i think you should know. _____ eyes, you're the one that i wanted to find. and anyone who tried to deny you must be out of their mind. it feels so much lighter since i met you.

( i was scared, tired and underprepared. how long must you wait for it? how long must you pay for it? i lost my head in thought of all the stupid things we said. i started looking for excuses. spider webs, i got caught in the middle. i started looking for a warning sign. i turned to run, in thought of all the stupid things i'd done. )

i look out my window to the silhouette of trees, stretched out as far as my eye can take me. above is an explosive strip of electric pink clouds - soft as they merge with the silhouette, the sunrise bursting through the top, making way to clouds, blue sky peeking through. it's beautiful. it's beautiful and i feel beautiful and god damn, nothing shall bring me down from my explosion in the sky, explosion in my heart.

The truth is... i'm tired, and feel so alive.
The truth is... i'm learning to love myself.


A RUSH OF BLOOD TO THE HEAD!!!

Nobody said it was easy. I'm going back to the start. Goodbye.

"I've got no armour left. You can come and go as you please."

"I have faith in you, Samantha."

"Can we just wait a while?"

"With the money from your christmas gift, I'm buying a lethal amount of alcohol."

"Nobody realizes how close we really are."

"When did the sprouting of your balls begin?"

"That cardboard cow, you know the cow.... that moos, and when you open him....you ....win"

"Just poke him - he's so friendly"

my mom and i embraced last night after a long conversation. she told me my eyes always looked sad. she's the only one who notices my eyes. if you really look at them, you'll see inside and not right through.

My heart is broken in to such small pieces they could fit through the eye of a needle.

drove past your door.. but you don't live there anymore. it's here since you've been there, but now you've disappeared somewhere. you've got a place, you've found a better place. and i miss you.
like the deserts miss the rain.

cigarettes and chocolate milk...

it's 4 oclock in the morning. alyssa just came home, intoxicated out of her mind, with his phone. i've never seen someone with such low moral standards, with such low self-respect, with such a problem. in one ear, out the next. i'm not even 17, i shouldn't be living on my own for one, but dealing with this? i suppose it all comes with the package. all 5 of us have showed compassion and understanding to such great extents for this girl, we've put ourselves out on too many limbs. there's a point where you draw a line, we have to live our lives. we are here to further ourselves. a learning experience, of course of course, but this is some unnecessary bullshit that no one should go through.

i sAw you standing alone in the eL-2ectrostatic rain

the destruction we've battled through is beautiful. here, this is for you.

as you toss, through those lonely nights, just know there's someone thinking of you. everyone is waiting for the timing to be right. and we hope it's coming soon. so just rest your eyes and than you'll be in love again. we talk and the moon was bright. your words were blowing as they drifted out of sight. now the change of the seasons sets in. nothing, nothing feels just right. we fear these nights and than we compromise, but morning always comes. so just rest your eyes, and than you'll be in love again.

there's things i can't justify

beneath these sheets of paper, lies my truth..

i hurt, ache. the sunshine is peeking through my blinds. it snowed, i can see the drips reflecting on my wall. and i think of all i've done, all we've done, all we've been, where we've been, who we've been. i am not satisfied, nor am i happy. letting go of you is the hardest thing i've ever done. where does the brain compare with the heart? i have fallen down, but at the same time, am picking myself back up. the light is pouring in, filling my room with goodly sunshine. the truth is that i'm sorry. that i'm righting my wrongs. that i'm looking up, and not down. and that i'm soaking this all in, and not letting it pass my by or slip out of my grasp. i respect myself, but here comes the saying, actions speak louder than words. i need to stop talking, and start acting, have those connect. i know this is a step i'm about to make, i know it's a baby step, that i'm practically crawling, but i know i am on my way. i have come to terms with myself, and that is something - forgiveness of self. but now i need to know that i can be set free. i need to feel the Creator, his shove away from him only to make my way back stronger, wiser, more pure. and i need your forgiveness, because you are ever so important to me.

somedays...

http://youtube.com/watch?v=krKZIyime4k

last night while i was toking, in the night, my room was all of a sudden illuminated. i could see the fireworks from the tree lighting downtown. christmas is a time to spend with family, loved ones, a time to share warmth and coziness at home with those close to you. the fireworks not only sparked in the sky, but deep inside me :) eeeeee.

i miss you so, right now. and feel very close to you. i feel your sudden warmth. i just spent a night with myself, and i saw a picture of you.. and for some very odd reason, it was as though you were just here, you felt so completely familiar. it was really nice and refreshing. i'm always gunna love you.

some people recognize your light but they can't handle your glare. i am not alone :)

this is my story untold.

should i feel guilty, should i go on counting the days? bright lights in the naked city, i need a place to call my own. i walk these streets at night, its just like day under the bright lights, as i walk all alone. i walk alone. and i breathe my breath a cloud infront of me, the wind whips through my coat, through my shirt, through my heart. and i feel alive. i feel alive. it's already been too long, cause days are like weeks, like months and i don't know when you're coming home. please come home. and i exhale as tears stream down my face. i read the words that you will never say. once again i walk alone. i want to go home. should i go on counting the days?

i am a victim to your ways, but i still continue to fly. none of this was a trick, and now clear is that which i see. but i suppose somethings are better left unsaid, is that it?

all these places feel like home.

i should have taken the mic, for i knew all the words. but i think i was hit with far too much nostalgia for one moment. you were with us. you were there. i revisited every smile.

what has been shattered, can it be rebuilt? tonight emotions cannot be held back. in the comfort of my mother's home, i smell love. love has a scent? i walk into the laundry room and remember the first night i crept downstairs to talk on the phone with you. i remember falling in love sitting on the dryer in the middle of the night. and again in the doctor's office. and when you told me i had to go home. this beat goes on.

i spin the 6 digits so fast. take a look behind your shoulder and i'm not there. true blue, we're swimming alone in our own endlessness of blues.

"don't invade the issue! i'm going to punch him in the stomach and run!
this is about midly sexy, not ferociously sexy. wait, you'll be paralyzed. i'm very wise" i love my best friend!

JOY is the point

It’s a wonderful thing, that what you think and how you feel is a vibrational match. It’s a wonderful thing that what you think and how you feel—and what manifests—is a vibrational match. Some post-manifestational awareness. Marching, marching, marching with the universe at my fingertips. Giving birth to a rocket of desire.

with karate, i'll kick your ass. you broke the rules, now i pull out all your pubic hair, you muthafucka! i'm gunna kick your ass from here to right over there! i'm gunna kick your fuckin' derriere. you know the reason why! and we can sing like that, all night. where were you when we were getting high?

i loved you all along.

can i ask the creator for forgiveness? will you ever look into my eyes and see how they ache. they are open, and my heart is heavy.

Baby says I can't come with him
And I had read all of this in his eyes
Long before he even said so

All the waves of blame arrange as broken scenery
As they steal our best memories away
What if I was someone different in your only history?

You may hate me, but I'll remember to love you


how do you right a wrong? how do you hurt someone you love so much? how do you resist respecting yourself? how have i been living? how do you ever apologize. no words. no actions. lost. i wish you could look into my eyes. i wish i could hold you. i wish you could feel what's inside of me. i feel beside myself. i love you so. i have fallen down.

everything is light and sound. facing forwards, going slowly. living by the hour, i stop for every flower. everything is soft and slow. now all these tastes improve through the view that comes with you. life you handed me my life. for the first time, it felt right. thank you for making me see there's a life in me, C. it was dying to get out. holding you, we made two spoons beneath the april moon. everything is soft and sweet. this cigarette it could seduce a nation with it's smoke. crawling down my tired throat. scratches part of me thats purring, softly stirring. look at these trees i feel affinity with. everything so soft and still. budding at my fingertips. touching you i start to bloom. alive with trains and passing ships. soft and sweet along your lips. i go, oh wow. thank you for taking me from my monestary. i was dying to get out. with tears of gratitude. i like my latitude. cross town train to you. now all these tastes improve. through the view that came with you. like they handed me my life for the first time it felt worth it. like i deserved it.

February 22nd. Reading back on it made me smile.

A poetic retelling of an unfortunate arrangement

if you walk away, than i'll walk away. first tell me which road you will talk. i don't want to risk our paths crossing some day, so you walk that way and i'll walk this way. the future hangs over our heads. and it moves with each current event. until it falls all around like a cold steady rain. just stay in when it's lookin this way. the moons layin low in the sky, forcing everything metal to shine. the sidewalks holds diamonds like a jewellery store case. they argue, walk this way. i dreamed you were carried away on the crest of a wave. baby, don't go away. come here. there's kids playing guns in the street and ones pointing his tree branch at me. i put my hands up and say enough is enough. if you walk away, i'll walk away. he shot me dead. i found a liquid cure, for my landlocked blues. it will pass away like a slow parade. it's leaving but i don't know how soon. the world's got me dizzy again. you'd think after so many years i'd be used to the spin. it always feel worse when i stay in one place. i keep drinking the ink from pen. and i'm balancing history books up on my head. but it all boils down to one quotable phrase... "if you love something, give it away." you may be offended, you may be afraid, but don't walk away. we made love in the hallway on the floor, with the noise in the background from a televised war. and in the defeaning pleasure i thought i heard someone say, "if we walk away, they'll walk away" greed is a bottomless pit. our freedoms a joke. we're just taking a piss. i feel more like a stranger each time i come home. let me walk away. i just want to make a clean escape. i'm leaving but i don't know where to.

let the rain fall, i don't care

love is a touchy subject. how does a person know when love is a thing or not? is it butterflies in your stomach? jealousy? comfort? sex? spritual union? are any of those things love? love is beyond comprehension to me. it is magic. i'm a romantic and realize that. is love clinging to support lines because you can't deal, can it be just one kiss? do i know? love is a broad possibility of options. can't grasp it because it's not one thing. what a range of could-be's. there's so much love. decision. indecision. want. letting go. does anyone see where i'm going with this? someone once told me to experience love and not to obtain it. it's terrifying. i'm terrified. breaking off from the familiarness. it's the hardest thing. that's what all these swami-monk priests are all striving for, thats what mark and me and you and anyone are trying for every day. it's the only thing you can do other than saturating yourself in familiar comforts. right now, i'm not doing any of that. i'm sitting in my bedroom, comforting myself with this internet writing, which is a controlled place. but comfort is okay, too. this is a balance thing. i focus my breath. breath is powerful. it's eating oxygen. oxygen fules my body, my brain. my body and brain representative of my soul. i breathe deeply. i am going to get some nice tea. maybe bengal spice or licorice root. face yourself, sam. keep asking questions. contradictions and frustrations. i believe in love. i just don't know what it is.
a good friend of mine always signs her paper letters.
love and light,
me.

i love my mother with everything i am. tonight, i miss her very much. i just called her to tell her i love her. and that i appreciate everything she's ever done for me. living on my own has taught me that you are lucky if you even have one person you can trust in this world, one person who considers your safety, your health, your happiness in every step they take, every move they make. i am so grateful to have been blessed with such a selfless mother. i look up to her in more ways than one. i wonder if she knows how highly i speak of her. the contemplation of calling her back or not has arisen. i'd like to ask her to come over so i can give her a hug. it's very easy to feel alone and uncomfortable in this house, especially when the housemates fight. i need something familiar right now. for now, i squeeze my teddy bear and keep to the sky.

tonight was devil's night. the police offers were spread out amongst the whole town. i crossed my line with smoking tonight. and it's made me think a lot. atleast, everything is intense to a very great extent. i thought about how i felt hollow. i have made mistakes. or stumbled, rather on this path of oncoming and hidden obstacles to the sun. i understand now that i have not reached the stage of perceiving the repurcussions of my actions. the clocks been going in circles for some time since the red lights. i only realize now how i should understand and assess the situation. god fled from me, i let go of his hands such a long time ago. and i have finally made my way back to him, stronger than before. my legs are still wobbly. i still feel a hint of doubt. i feel how pure my intentions are. i feel like i can learn. it's hard to admit, but i fear. god's wish right now is so unclear to me. tonight is the first night i prayed. that i talked to my true inner self in ages. than i prayed for all that was just. all that was real. i made a mistake, i was not entirely true to myself, but have only come to the reality of this just now, in this i was not true to many other things, and something ever so special and sacred to me. this is yet another obstacle to be surmounted. i am closer. things have taken different shape. i wish you here. i am positively set on embarking on an adventure. i am always here, there, and everywhere. the creator, you and i. i miss feeling so connected, 3 souls, in our silences. in the blue box. i remember how nicely the trees shone on the wall across from the window. the leaves would dance amongst the yellow light, as i followed the starry night, creeping down the closet - music usually playing. i feel so very odd, i cannot explain the feeling quite right, thinking about other times such as those. it's so cheesy that i giggle, sigh and develop a dreamy gaze. i remember so many peaceful times in that blue box. you're the only one who reads this, i suppose this here blog isn't even for me anymore. i love you. i care for you and wish you an abundance of so many amazing things. i am here for you. i want to help. i want to be. i want to see you smile. i want to see you fall. and pick yourself up. i want to see you flying kites - i did that the other day with my mum and the dog in the park. i feel the light. i feel you and i feel you inside now more than ever. i am so deep in lost thoughts, i apologize for being all over the place. shine. frolick. smile. spread out your wings. you are beautiful. you are dear.

all i wanna do is ride bikes with you, and stay up late... and watch cartoons.


"sir, do you walk, play and sing?"
"is this a request?"
"who loves the sun :)?"
*ba ba ba baaaah, who looooves the sun!*
what a nice walk home. a complete stranger, an older man, played music by my side, walking down my busy street. it's a beautiful day. i came home and opened every window in the house. fall is nearly over. i am going off to the private docks by the lake surrounding this city tonight. to read and relax. today was a new day. :)

i haven't had a good night's sleep in so long. i think i have a slight case of insomnia. my alarm clock has stopped ticking and it's perfectly wound. he never liked listening to it, especially falling asleep. the sounds of sigur ros with the continuous soft ticks and tocks calm me. i don't like sleeping in my bed alone. i miss his touch.
please, if you have the chance, watch this video. it's heaven.
http://youtube.com/watch?v=doc1eqstMQQ

i have seen the others! and i have discovered! that this fight is not worth fighting.
take a shower, shine your shoes, you've got no time to lose. you are young, man! you must be living. go now, you are forgiven.
skippity skip skip skip :)!

one heavy february

Tonight the neon answers flared,
Occasionally we stopped and stared past tiny paintings,
Painted where all the clouds were wrong,
With killer stares and sideways frowns,
In keeping with, the universe all upside down, twice,
And broken legs and arms in slings,
You cry secretly, but won't wear my diamond ring why?

A billion cares, a thousand stings cried secretly,
Choose the chapter where they start fights,
And millionaires have bought this town and changed everything.
You found me in the lost and found,
White, white, white!

tied up in ancient history

Just because its the end of the beginning doesn't mean its the beginning of the end

****
Funny how long
A moment can seem
When you're trying to hold on
***

what a feeling in my soul
love burns brighter than the sunshine
it's brighter than sunshine
let the rain fall, i don't care
my heart is keeping time with yours

***

open the curtain, let some light in.
open the window, let some air in.
i feel so grey.
you open your mouth and i know
what you're going to say.












the same thing that blew us together
might blow us apart
so i keep a piece of you precious
and close to my heart

*****

where is my home? it's early morning, things are bad and i still remember your number. i have to remind myself you're not home. take your shoes with you. buck up, baby. i watched a video tonight and climaxed. my soul felt so light, the hair on my arm stood on end and i felt i should shout out. the scales aren't balanced, but i need to leave this place. this isn't my home. i am really lost. i'm in the dark, thanking you for the light i know is ahead. *sigh*

Breathe! I am alive!

i walked slowly and mindfull through a green forest this morning, a brilliant red-orange sun roze on the horizon.

peace is every step.
the shining red sun is in my heart.
each flower smiles with me.
how green, how fresh all that grows.
how cool the wind blows.
peace is every step.
it turns the endless path to joy.

walk this way. a flower will bloom under our feet with every step. the flowers will smile at us, wishing us well on our way. i don't have to travel far away to enjoy the blue sky. i don't have to leave the city or even this subdivision to enjoy the eyes of a beautiful child. the air i breathe is a source of joy. i am smiling, breathing, walking, eating my meals in such a way. i am in touch with an abundance of happiness. most of us are very good at preparing to live, but falter when it comes to being good at living. peace is every step.

......... let the dandelion keep your smile, if that be the case. it is faithful. be mindful. breathe in awareness. your smile will return.

if you are reading this...

you're inside of me, beside me, behind me, infront of me, here for me. thank you for being you.

this is all so overrated. i'd much rather be at home right now, curled up, in the comfort of my family's home. i miss my mother so bad it hurts. i miss my home.

Moving towards the shadows, Before I lose the chance....

THESE WORDS ON PAPER SMELL LIKE YOU.

I am aglow with thoughts of you
Are the stories that you told me true?
It doesn’t matter if they are
They are to me, I am aglow
Some might say these thoughts are wrong
That you might see yourself in this song
I hope that you don’t mind if you do
I am aglow with thoughts of you
Does it matter that what I remember might be
Just my own imagination painting scenes more pretty
Is it obvious? Does it show?
With thoughts of you I am aglow
Some might say I’m thinking in sin
So I’ll just sit back and take you in
You’re a map of a place maybe someday I’ll go
With thoughts of you I am aglow
Does it matter that what I remember is not true
Does it matter that all I can think of is you

Is it obvous, does it show?
With thoughts of you...
I AM AGLOW.

friend of the night.

the flowers they gave me are rotting and still i refuse to throw them out. some of the bulbs never opened quite fully. they might, so i'm waiting. things i have loved i'm allowed to keep.

you're the prayer inside me.

the trees dance under the moonlight, i hear them rustling from outside these 4 walls as the rain falls from the sky, soaking everything through.

*****

my finger slides across the page. it's coloured in orange. ryan softly points his pencil into the paper where my finger rested seconds before... "right here". right there, and right here.

********

i prepare myself for a good night's rest. i lay my head down. thoughts of you. we dance with the trees outside, moon overtop. and the stars come out to play.

Light Up The Sky

i have woken early and find myself in a haze. i gaze off out the window to mixtures of red, orange and yellow tree tops for as far as anyone can see. the sun is gently trickling along the ripples in the lake that surrounds this town. not another sign of human life is obvious. i welcome the shadows creeping upon me. i am one, as i lay sprawled out on the green. one with the dew droplets that have formed on each and every blade of grass, sending me a chill every time the breeze whisps over me. one with the spider curiously making it's way onto my page. one with the cotton balls in the sky. they are stretched across the sky and calm me. one with the train behind the house making it's way by. the ground rumbles and i watch as it is almost never ending. the dog howls in response to it. the sun nearly blinds me and i close my eyes.

all we have is more than you know, one day we will see...

may the sunrise bring hope where it once was forgotten

All of this world
We have hungered
But nothing here
Can quench our thirst.

What's here, now gone. These thoughts echo through my head every day. And I don't think they will ever go away. But we can't go back, I am on my own. I'm waiting for this task to end, so these lighter days can soon begin. I'll be alone, but maybe more carefree. Like a kite that flies so effortlessly. All these faces numb the same - so many lifeless empty hands. I turn off my bolts of pain, and tuck them away.. till these rainy days that make them stay. But I'm going to myself one more shot. I'll find it in myself.

So Please understand if i don't answer the phone.

oh, my dear.

Sometimes things happen that remind me that I don't know everything that's going on around me. Dig deeply within the recesses of your subconscious.

Love comes to you in unusual ways and now it can broaden your horizons like you never imagined. These next few weeks may offer you the opportunity to travel with a loved one, but even if this doesn't happen, remember that you can travel within the realms of your imagination. Use this time to lighten your approach to love.


seems fitting.

The excitement is still mounting, though I feel a bit of withholding today. I feel the need to conserve my energy and to reserve my feelings. I don't want to take those curves too fast, for I will end up in a ditch. I am confident that I will not push myself too hard; it's better to slow down in order to increase the odds of arriving safely.

for real.

If we encounter states of emptiness, indifference, and bad feeling, it means that our state already belongs to the next degree, which has not yet been corrected. Every situation begins in the dark. The day begins in the night; the vessels begin with the will to receive. Then they are corrected and receive the Light. Thus, every time we feel a new sensation of evil, we should be happy, because the next phase will be the reception of Light. There is no progress in the sensation of evil, because only the presence of two contradictory situations allows us to arrive at the middle line.

doof

simple. a random occurance. a smile on my face. a shining light. a mirror. a soul. a spark inside my heart. initial comfort. empathy. a wave of all things refreshing washing over me. peace and still.
happenstance.

i hate the night!! i thought all my energy would have been wasted but it most definitely was not. i still have found it impossible to sleep. it gives me time to dwell. yes, i'm not practical, nor rational. heartbroken.

the clock reads 3:26 a.m, and i've not a clue where you are in the sky. and i can't sleep. i don't think i ever realized how much i loved you until i was faced with living without you.

you're leaving on a jet plane

we're together though we're nowhere near.



i need to be okay on my own.

the truth is out there.

it is egocentric hunting season yet again.

i know it, because i can feel it in my bones. everything is different, but everything is fine. yet there lies so much discomfort in all this uncertainty, all this that's unfamiliar. i don't know how i feel so horrible this early in the morning. it's the last day of summer. but i'm saying goodbye to more than just the summer breeze. goodbye to the yellow light, to the drops of rain clinging to the trees, to the silence, to that feeling. everything is different, but maybe everything isn't fine.

it's the night life that gets them off..

if i could, i'd blow the sun out and bury you deep within my bed. i'd give you my lungs to breathe as i do. and we'd never wake up, forever sleepwalkers.

and when she said, "i hope you feel better sleeping knowing that i never sleep at all" did you reply with that smile?
sleeping's overrated.

5:25 a.m, shaken, wide awake, hooked on a feelin' as the stars come out to play -

"look at the stars, i've never quite seen them so bright"

i crave silence with some company.

digital blasphemy

it's 12:15 and i just woke up! my roommates are really interesting people. stan is incredibly christian and is very open minded. he gave me a bunch of books on quantum physics and feng shiu which is what he noticed i'd like to do to my bedroom. this morning, though, i woke up completely disturbed. beyond disturbed. i had dreamt that my roommates and i were living in toronto, and andrea, who is a nurse took me to her patient's house, but the patient turned out to be ceased in a coffin.. and by the time i ran home, cop cars were everywhere and this oriental man had tried to break into our houses and shoot at our lock, trying to bust down the door. i ran to the neighbours house and begged for them to bring me in, but the wouldn't let me in their house because they said i had an attitude that of a smoker. and than when i finally built up the courage to make it back to my house, this boy was in my bedroom with a barrie north collegiate gym uniform on. we were cousins? and than i locked the door, and closed the window to block out the sound of gun shots and screaming children.
i think that perhaps going back to north was a good choice.. i need familiarness now. because in that, there's comfort. i think i'm really scared of being on my own. i am safe here in my room, it is me. i think i'm analysing my dream.

pitter patter goes my heart

upstairs or out the door, i don't know which is the way. it's nice to have a hand sometimes.

i'm not a convenience at your service. i bruise easily, it's no secret. i don't wish this upon anyone. i'm a person, i have a heart, and i'm not a fucking toy.

1:57a.m
i shouldn't have gone to tim hortons so late at night, perhaps i'd be sleeping if that wasn't the case. ah well, it's not like i've a thing to do until i work. my landlord has me doing odd jobs around the house to make up for the two extra weeks he's letting me live here. he's kindof creepy, in a really nice way.. which results in him being even creepier. basically he has a different girl over everyday. you are not cool, buddy. i didn't find time to paint tonight, but when i got in, andrea and i painted some pictures. there's a massive joint on my wall. and a really cute mural of a very happy place. i'd love to get someone over here to do something really funky with my closet doors. maybe i'll buy textiles! i really can't wait to get everything in order. i was never given the chance to make my room my own in my mum's place and i like the idea of having this room all to myself. i can even lock the door. i'm not used to privacy, it's something that my stepfather drilled into my head was a privledge. which i completely disagree with. i'm glad i'm out of cait's house. she lectured me when she got in tonight for having the gate open, which i obviously wasn't a part of. why would i leave the gate open? and i didn't make my bed properly so she demanded i go over there tomorrow? jeez. would she have starved had i not bought all the groceries? i wonder. she's a nice enough girl but i don't find her real enough. i'm always left feeling completely dissatisfied with people. i feel like maybe i expect too much. i mean, who am i. i want someone great and find him and can't keep up. maybe i shouldn't be so hard on people. i just find it extremely hard to take an interest in anyone, really. the minute i say something worth anything to me, and i can tell they don't have it, i lose all interest. i know there's a balance, i have to work on maintaining that otherwise i'll have a bummer of a time here. i am really excited for school, though! to think i'm going to be taking guitar!! sometimes i feel so motivated, and very much so look forward to being able to focus my motivation and energy on something other than what i've been wasting away my summer doing. wasting = keyword. i really hope i get into global. i don't want to get my hopes up, but i really do hope there is a chance i get in. i know of alot of people who got in with late acceptance. i'm willing to pour my heart out to mr. morrisson to make him understand how badly i want to be a part of his class. i think it's ridiculous my school failed to inform my grade that program was available to us. unfortunate. everyone applied for geo studies, though. i don't know why i didn't, perhaps i should have. i haven't even gotten my report card yet. i hope i didn't fail math. i've never failed a class before, man my marks just plummetted this past year for me. and it's not even that i'm not smart, i was on honour roll before i took this fall. i am so excited to get back to school. i'm probably blabbing. i just have no one to talk to, and alot of like thoughts in my head about nothing really. just tedious blabber.

so this is the falling out..
wow

to you, with your eyes so bright and sincere:

underneath you know well
you have nothing to fear.
for the dreams that came to you when so young
you were told of a life where spring is sprung.
you would seem so frail in the cold of the night
when the armies of emotion
go out to fight.
but while the earth sinks to its grave
you sail to the sky on the crest of a wave.
so forget this cruel world where I belong
i'll just sit and wait and sing my song.
and if one day you should see me in the crowd
lend a hand and lift me to your place in the cloud.

chlorasepticx390394567

yesterday was my first day here at "home". i spent most of it flipping through channels and watching ridiculous tv shows, wishing on 6 o'clock with all my might, for andrea to come home from work. and now i'm sick and i wish i had some comfort, i guess. i think my landlord and i are panting tonight. i really hope so, because i don't like the baby blue in my bedroom, it's too familiar, which is unsettling for me. i can't wait to set everything up, and just collapse on my own bed, and take that deep breath out i've been needing to.

and i don't know if i'm wrong, because he's only just gone. why the fuck is this day taking so long.
once you were mine. and you walk alway because you can.



you were my reason d'etre.

your songs ring through the floor below

lord, can you hear me now. i can't let go of your hand. i'm surrounded by cold water, and it's all i have. or am i lost?

it was you under the sun afterall

i'm not going to erase that blog, but i didn't mean it. that's what happens when i speak up, i say things i don't mean, because i'm in the heat of the moment. in this case anyways. the truth is i'd do anything for you. and no angry or completely unrational rage of bitterness could possibly have it otherwise. september does creep, but i'm scared to see the day when your bags are packed and you're ready to leave.

cigarettes cause mouth diseases

some non fictional cheese? love IS blind. you give and love and love and love with everything you are to be strung. all i've ever given is pure and genuine. i've never expected anything back in return except for honesty and respect. but instead i feel used. i feel like a spec of dirt stuck on the bottom of someone's dirty shoe.
i placed you on the highest of pedastools, and i am at fault for that. i didn't hold a doubt for a single second that you were not true. you were truly who i wanted you to be. i pulled the wool over my eyes and had myself so sure, so in love with the idea that you would not dare intend on hurting me, breaking me. i raised you high up on that stool, and allowed it to get the best of me and the best of you and i.
did, didn't, feel, felt, love, loved. i could get lost in a jumble of all these confusing thoughts. i feel the time for change nearing. how i wish it didn't creep so slowly.

september brings a new day and a chance to not be so scared of the thought of accepting i'm me.

i really do wish it was me you were thinking of.

a grain develops only in its soil, in the environment that suits it. i'm not a product of this.

i've got a hunger twisting my stomach into knots. get me out of here! because here, there's not much to really shout about. tell me which way's out.

i love you now and i'll love you than. you've crawled your way into my heart.

"just so..." "must there be an excuse for everything? you are everywhere.

falling out

i can't have a silent night to myself, because i've nowhere to truly call my own. it's one thing being lost on the inside, but being surrounded by a sea of all things unfamiliar has taken it's tole on me. if things were my way, it wouldn't be like this at all. maybe we fought, but atleast we kept at it, as though we were fighting for something. which i knew we always were. sure, we're fucked up, but which family isn't? atleast i know where home will always be.
*stringggggggggggggg* does this love have no limit?
blah.

self destruction.

it's not you he sees.
i remember we once agreed destruction was beautiful.
i'll take comfort in that.

"no, she'll be denied." i just want to go home. i'm tired, and i don't have my own bed, and i haven't eaten. if one more person tells me how lucky i am to be out on my own, i'm going to crash. i just want to go home.

to do:
revenue canada, call and enquire.
make an appointment for student funding.
return movie.
call andrea.
call mother.
gather banking information - branch, account & transit #

r i ght wh er e you ar e.

4:18a.m
my feet are sore, and i have done alot of thinking tonight. i haven't felt this close in so long. you've been far from my reach for too long, so i could reach this point! i'm done here. everything i do is to further myself so i can get out of here and connect.
there's so much more than this.. simply put, bullshit.

i'm going to miss you so much when you go. you're the only one who gets it. i hope you believe in me like i believe in you.

sometimes, just sometimes, i wish i didn't have a conscience.

my voice shall go with you

2:38 a.m. i'm far from home. quiet time.


there are many times when i fall silent, barely having the urge to speak. there is so much depth and beauty in silence. sometimes i'm really pensive. it's in a moment like this that i truly find enjoyment in quieting my thoughts, settling, and taking notice of how rich one single moment can be. i hear his wisdom whispering within me. in my silences, he is there. he is here with me now. there is oneness. one soul into another. blissful union.

Rilke.

Silent friend of many distances, feel how your breath enlarges all of spacelet your presence ring out like a bellinto the night.

Center of all centers, core of cores,almond self-enclosed and growing sweet – all the universe, to the furthest starsand beyond them, is your flesh, your fruit.

pure. infinite. warm.
i want to fall quiet more often, from time to time, to relish this infinite peace.
peace exists in each silent moment.
penetrate.

that churning feeling in my stomach returns. this is what i lost. please stay true.

la fille danse
quand elle joue avec moi
et je pense que je l'aime des fois
le silence, n'ose pas dis-donc
quand on est ensemble
mettre les mots
sur la petite dodo.

:) mmm golden griddle has never been quite so tasty. i love taking midnight trips with you for breakfast. :)

la la la :)
i feel so goood!!

calling all obstacles..

it's 6:38a.m and i'm paying attention? i hardly have an ounce of intention this morning. i awoke with an empty heart and empty head. do i benefit from this? is it filling my need? am i doing better because of it? i don't own my heart. nothing else exists in our world but the intention therefore if there is no intention, there is no person.
the hardest part is to maintain the the focus.

Ha Karat Ha'ra.
I realize that my true nature is I want things that bring my pleasure. None of these will fill the emptiness. I recognize that I am the desire to receive.

i know i know i know

box after box and you're still by my side. the weather is changing and it's breaking my stride. house after house just like car after car, it all seemed so far. it's just this day.

last night i was writing about you..
i know i know i know, you're still my love.
where are you with your crooked smile, confident walk, rent money in one pocket, and my heart in the other....

there's more to life than love and bein' together.



this is me before i come undone

tell me, what's in the way.

I look over my shoulder and each time I grow older and each time I can smile with what I've gained, but goodbyes are as hard as glass and easier to break. You lay out the pieces side by side and they never fit the same.

michael moore did an excellent job in hs documentary fahrenheit 9/11. unfortunately it was pretty biased.. with 59 apparent deceits. regardless, george w. bush is a complete tool and maaybe he should have spent more time being the president than spending his time on a ranch in texas, ignoring his duties. oh, but what does it matter, you're a skull and bones bastard. sweet, our world is only in jeopardy. how can we find peace? more and more people need to stand up. it takes one strong individual. if hitler could obtain power used for cruelty , than how hard must it be for a stand to be taken for peace on our planet?!? jshfjsf my brain hurts.

i'm also tipsy and a little lonely. the thought of rebelling has totally arisen at times, but than comes that feeling of udder disgust. no one is you. and you're what i care for. and that is real. i don't want to look, i don't want to be found all over again. i like not having to say a thing, because it's just understood. i guess i miss you and yeah, it sucks.

it's also canada day? the fireworks were cancelled and we didn't even go out on the boat. woo, we spent canada day in a power outage. new liskeard is beautiful. drinking in the dark is fun with my norther laid back friends.

life doesn't wait for us to get it right.. it just on when it goes wrong, it goes and than it's gone.. so i'm gunna do my best to make the most of this.
but am i wrong to still want you in my arms.

i miss you.

growth is the only evidence of life. - john henry newman.

all things from the C.

all hail the heartbreaker

i guess i bit my tongue for far too long. i know what's right, but it hurts to admit that it's so. i wanted to believe i made you happy, i wanted to believe we were happy. i guess these things just tend to fall apart. i didn't want this.

ughfsdfkljsdkjdskljsfdklsdfljsflflslffslfsdsf.

pitter patter goes my heart

today was the worst day ever. this all starts with me, ends with me, is up to me. i need to learn to stop biting my tongue.



did you know i'd do anything for you? it may sound cliche but if you're happy, i'm happy. i'm really sorry you're insecure about that. a promise isn't a promise until you keep it, and i stay true. i care alot about you, i don't know if i tell you enough.

i continually look in all different directions for somewhere, someone to shift the blame to for this gut wrenching feeling of churning anxiety. all i know is the Creator is perfect, and does not make mistakes.why do i do anything when it's not needed?
what a rollercoaster, one minute you're so far down you feel as though you're about to slip right through your sit and the next, you're up top what feels to be the whole world, the sky within reach.

aghh.

just feel alive.

I wake up early. It's probably the way the sun comes in and hits me across the legs, the way the room is still full of the chill of night, but I'm cozy in his warm sweater and under heavy comforters, the way I can stretch and turn over and stretch again.
I take a long shower under pounding water. God, steaming cleansing streaming water. On my face, my back, my hair; lather, rinse, repeat. A towel, warm and clothes clean from the dryer.
Breakfast. I open the curtains, and let the yellow sun pour in, the back porch and trees all brilliant with summer nearing. T'is warm, a coffee, eggs, toast. The house creaks as I proceed to open every shade in the house, windows and blinds letting in both gold and cold.
I'm going to go somewhere, no way I'm staying inside this early on a glorius June day, crisp and clear and warm in the sunlight and chilled in the shade, blue and sky and brightness.
I've walked this trail once before, summers ago, with my brother. It's less recognizable with no leaves all over, when I get to the halfway mark I am breathing deep and heavy, filling my lungs. I stand in the opening, and take in the sight spread out beneath me. Moments, really. I left the trail somewhere and I'm climbing up the side of the hill.
I could fall and hurt myself, no one would know. I could get lost and no one would know where I was. I could reach anywhere, the top of the world even and share the triumph with myself, alone in clear sunlight and brilliance.
I do, and stand there breathing, nose and hands red with exertion and cold, tingling with life and thrill and power and me. Just me.
I take my time getting home.

The Buddhists say "Don't cling to things, because everything is impermanent."

But then isn't the whole point of living is to experience it, go through all the twists and turns that life throws at you? How could you be able to do that if you are detached? Detachment doesn't mean you don't let the experiences penetrate you. On the contrary, you let it penetrate you fully. That's how you are able to leave it. If you hold back on the emotions, if you don't allow yourself to go all the way through them, you can never get to being detached, you're then too busy being afraid. You're afraid of the pain, you're afraid of the grief. You're afraid of the vulnerability that loving entails. Put yourself through into these emotions, by allowing yourself to dive in, all the way, over your head even, you experience them fully and completely. You know what pain is. You know what love is . You know what grief is. And only then can you say, "All right. I have experienced that emotion. I recognize that emotion. Now you need to detach from that emotion for a moment." I thought about how often this was needed in everyday life. How we feel lonely, sometimes to the point of tears, but we don't let those tears come because we are not supposed to cry. Or how we feel a surge of love for someone but we don't say anything because we're frozen with the fear of what harms those words might do to the relationship.Turn on the faucet. If you let the fear inside, if you pull it on like a familiar shirt, then you can say to yourself, "All right, it's just fear, I don't have to let it control me. I see it for what it is."

shades of grey.

There's no reason for despair.

One must realize that our life in this world will not become easier; on the contrary, it will become much harder, for we are late with our correction. Each time, this lack of correction comes back to us, pressures us, and forces us to start reforming ourselves.
This is why the faster we start rising above our egoism, the faster will we feel the world of Infinity, the flow of this endless life and love.

FAITH

i don't know how to do anything
i am trying to move mountains with words
but i am an ant
i scribble i drool
i move like a worm
whose world encompassed a mile
how do i rise above?
where will this worm find wings?
i look in the mirror and i see filth
who is that? where did the angel go?
why is there dirt staring back at me?
why is the soil of incompetence beneath my nails?
why does doubt paint blue rings beneath my eyes and stain my skin?
my spin assumes failure
my lips flirt with the sky; why do i try to lasso beauty with such a pitiful rope?
where is the hair of rapunzel or samson?
where is my sling, my stone, my gun?
where is the weapon with which i may fight this apathy that feels like sleep in my limbs,
that loosens my brother's smile that kills my neighbour's daughter
my pen is scrawny and hardly seems able to ink out or erase this plague that infests my generation

this giant, this ogre, this beast, this death, that assumes a million faces, that borrows my own.

she lay there in the half light of the room
unable to sleep
in the morning she told him she had
well, there were still some limits to the things she could say to him then
but most of the night she watched
his eyelids, and his lips and his face
and in the stillness,
she felt peace.

worry can rob you of your happiness. that i will do no more of. change is not merely necessary to life, it is life.

i just found myself crying for you. you may have a shortcoming too many in your life, but death i have never wished upon you. you always were such a baby when it came to going to the doctors. your life is of far too much worth, to so many, to be short-lived. i feel her pain, and i feel their confusion. nevermind not having a daddy your whole life, but being so young, and him being a faint memory. losing that part of your childhood, being robbed of it, it just brings me to tears.

wake up. please.

night-time sharpens, heightens each sensation...
darkness stirs and wakes imagination...
silently the senses abandon their defences.

slowly, gently, night unfurls its splendour
softly, deftly, music shall surround us;
feel it, hear it, closing in around us.

floating, falling, sweet intoxication
touch me, trust me, savour each sensation
let the dream begin; let your darker side give in
to the power of the must that i write
to the power of the music of the night.

you alone can make my song take flight.

TZADIK

Appreciating the fact that I didn't understand/perceive something hidden from me, I've begun to take a step forward in the right direction.

Self-criticism transports a man to the level of "man".
This is sent to me by the Creator so that I could let it go.

The source. The source. The source.

i miss you. i miss your touch. and your kiss. and when you pick up that guitar... and stare at me with those eyes..
*sigh*

i miss you, baby.

mr. roboto.

all this is, is another business meeting. you've got your breifcase, he's got his paperwork. he's got his fancy suits and ties. and i walk into the room with my heart on my sleeve, for that's all i have to bring to the table. imagine the inhuman, militant look on his face.

we start to feel like ants....
we've got no place to run.

Education, Masterbation

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

"Post it on your blog"

so simply put: there's nothing as satisfying as your soul.

The man of metropolis steals our hearts.

I take a few deep breaths before I rationalize my thoughts. No one's attacking you, why must you be so god damn defensive? Remember the source, remember the source. Those 3 words sound in my head as I bite down on my tongue. Shutting my door, and turning up the volume, your harsh words blur into one another.

You are nothing but an obstacle. You're in my way, but not for long. I'll tackle this one. He's not a fucking idiot, a button you shouldn't have pressed, dear father figure.

I have a life to live. You don't even know the half of it. I pity you.

The Kabbalist, is regarded as the "founder of the world." He influences the entire world, and the world influences him. As one kli we will disover the true harmony between the real world and ourselves. We've begun our ascent.

-All Things From The Creator.

If you be my mirror, I'll be your lighthouse.

i promise you this.

the thought of not having you, along with the thought of you hurting.. is so overwhelming for me. it scares the god damn hell out of me.

Reveal yourself.

It's as though I'm being taught to walk all over again. Holding my hand along the way, I felt a sense of comfort and pleasure. But this morning, He let go and pulled away. I could barely hold myself together, nevermind upright. I now know that He'll pull away from me, only to bring me closer, to give me that chance to walk towards Him on my own.

i know and i know and i know, but is this where we draw the line? this feeling is so fucking black and white.



beneath this doubt, there's a truth in which we'll find ourselves.

don't wind the clock back up, baby - just come back to bed. time, we know not of it.

the music flows through my body and i am lost in every chord. open, close. i feel it more than ever.

your scent has been washed out and worn out of this sweater. but i wear it to bed because i feel closer to you.
do you even know how happy i want to make you? people have it all wrong. i don't want to take away all of your suffering. i want you to progress. and even if at times, i don't fully understand you or your position, i still want you to feel as though you can bounce anything off of me. that.. through me, you can understand yourself.

"cheese," he'll say, hopefully smiling.

i love how comfortable i feel here.

i'll do anything for you.

now i understand how you felt that day.

the churning in your stomach will never go away.
terrifying hope is all you're left with.

all things go.

i almost forgot the feeling. i felt as though i was almost rid of it. i wonder if you ever stop hating everything around you for even a few short moments, and realize your life could be so much better. i understand that your past does not sit with you well. you have run into, and backed yourself into trouble along your twisted path. you've had it rough, i'm not going to pretend i don't realize that. but if you made it through.. why couldn't you find the strength to pull through a better person? what got in the way? you haven't learned a thing and i lose myself in that. don't you want to see the light? wouldn't you rather? no matter how great anything is surrounding you, you make it into something negative. if i listen to you, and respect you in any way i can, you pick and pick and find a flaw, ignoring how pleased you could be with me and therefore yourself, for getting your point across. and i can't distinguish whether this worry and concern is out of some form of love, or not. lately, i've been trying to be a bigger person. i've stopped myself from sinking to your level, on countless a time. because i am being that exact person i hate. and that disgusts myself to no end. i'm pretty tired of dealing with you. and i want out. call me selfish, but i've tried and you attack who i am inside everyday. and i don't need that in my life. i am far too happy to let you drag me down.

strange days are comin...

i'm quitting this ridiculous addiction. everything is pointing in that direction. i feel as though my body only craves this, and for a change, it's not in my mind. how that happened, i don't know, but i would be crazy to fight it. i don't want to feel dependent. there are things i've known all along, but i pulled the wool over my eyes, and decided to be oblivious to the the fact. not anymore - it's time to be realistic.

speaking of which, i honestly can't even grasp this. her threats hardly scare me, but rather make me laugh. i wish i could feel sympathy towards her and her dreadful disposition. and i don't hate, but god damn, am i coming close. how she feels towards me, is not the basis of my life, can't she see? i think i could perhaps rant about this for far too long. you are all machines. cold, steel, heartless machines. i'm not doing this.

and i'm skimming through my book, hoping to find that description. click click click. that's how it works. that's how this whole thing works. and it keeps me smiling. to even describe it, scares me, for i fear none of it would do him- along with this feeling- justice. nothing could possibly measure up. and i never thought i could be speechless... ...

i just peeked out my blinds. not the person i wanted to see. those were bad shivers.

elliot smith says:

and now i feel changed around, instead of falling down, i'm standing up.

i like that. i'm beginning to understand the reasons for what is happening to me. i'm not only aware, but i understand the consequences of my actions. i want to be practical. i want to live, feeling everything. i most definitely do not feel as though everything is enclosed within the borders of all this materialism. everything is different. my surroundings haven't changed, but i can feel myself changing within. therefore, i view reality in a different way.

and dinner pulls me away from my thoughts.

only a real man can be a lover...

i feel like every single insecurity of mine was poked and pried at last night. i'm aware of them, no doubt, but i came to a complete realization. i desire to have the strength to rise above situations like that. i can't even really dish out what i'm trying to here, because it's really so simple and i'm being complicated. i know i'm capable, and i know i have it in me. and i know it's always been there but for the first time, i can feel it. i can feel it. proof.



aaand i know you're reading this. thanks for being there for me. let's not have sammie smoke crystal again.

can't keep running, there's no place to go...

don't hide from your problems.

we all have devestating moments in life, when terrible, even unimaginable things happen that rock our worlds and affect our lives in negative ways. the question is not how to avoid problems, but how to deal with them once they arrice, how to learn from them and how to become stronger because of the tools you gain from the experience. most of the time i would rather pretend like my problems dont exist. i tell myself it is easier on my heart that way. but deep down, i know i'm wrong. the only way to begin to heal from a heartbreaking situation is to accept its reality and then become willing to work on healing and changing it.
any time we open ourselves up to another person, we become vunerable and and can be hurt easily. although we might be tempted to close our hearts so as not to feel the pain, it is so much better to stay open and trust that if you do get hurt, you will be able to work it out.

it's my turn to be here for you.
i'm here to accept you for who you are now and whoever you may be tomorrow.

what a way to cut - lengthwise

i don't know if you know her
when you say you dont you lie
and i dont know if you trust her
or if she's ever made you cry
and i dont care if you hear me
or if you turn and walk away
and i dont care if you talk back
or have nothing left to say
i dont care if you smile at me
cause its plastic anyway
and i wonder if i touched it
if it would slowly melt away
oh, i know that you must know her
and deny the fact she's you
what a stupid little FOOLISH girl
that i can see right through.

you're constantly on my mind. not that it's a bother whatsoever, i'm just pretty caught up in you. you constantly reassure me that everything is okay and will be. i've never felt so good about someone. i've never felt like i could actually make someone equally as happy as they make me. god, you're fucking beautiful.

The crumbling in his voice and the purity in his eyes made me give into every last bit of him.

She walked through the meadow, with her flowing white skirt and her pixie top and had this great big smile on her face. She felt a rustle in the grasses around her feet. She looks around her to see the most amazing butterfly soaring over her tiny feet. The butterfly looks so fragile, so untainted, that the little girl does not allow herself to give into temptation and curiousity and touch it. And so, it flutters away. She continues her way until she feels another rustle in the grasses. A squirrel runs itself between her legs and just sits in front of her. Apparently, eating something tasty that is nestled in its cheeks. The girl is almost startled by it's confidence, and she won't want to scare it by approaching it. So she lets it leave on it's own. She starts skipping across the meadow, pulling on the daisies as she runs. On the other side of the field, she can see her mother standing there, calling to her. She runs as fast as her little legs can take her. Her feet pounding on the meadow's ground, she can feel her heart racing, and her pulse quickening. She gets to where her mother was standing and collasped in exhaustion. Her mother chuckled at the rosy cheeked little girl and asked her what she was doing out there. The girl's smile rose across her face as she slowly remembered all the events of the day. "It was the prettiest thing I ever seen, mommy. I needed to go see it all!"The mother sighed as she looked over her naive daughter with her hair, all in tangles, and her clothes covered in burrs. She had dirt on her knees and all over her hands and her face was a glistening pink. Her mother could see that her beautiful daughter had been through a lot that day, but she couldn't figure out why she was still smiling the way she was... so genuine her smile seemed. As her mother was deep in thought, a tear dropped from the little girl's big brown eye, and she whispered, "When will I get to see that place again?"Her mother smiled as she came to a realization."In due time, darling, you will see love again. And let us pray that you come back with less scrapes."

this house is a hole that you could never fill.

ser·en·dip·i·ty ( P ) (srn-dp-t)n. pl. ser·en·dip·i·ties
The faculty of making fortunate discoveries by accident.
The fact or occurrence of such discoveries.
An instance of making such a discovery.


there's beauty in the breakdown.

third floor.
blaze.
leap.
smile.
heart.
baby.
embrace.
destruction.
rebuild.
create.
together.

anywhere but here, anywhere but here.. i think to myself, as i close my eyes, nearly suffocating in the crowd. and i slip away from myself as i begin to drown in a sea of black.


blah!

hmmm :)

DEAR MARK:



I LIKE YOU and your sexy little smirk.
a whole lot.

i hope you don't think i'm crazy after this.


<3333

picking up the pieces..

"be courteous to all, but intimate with few, and let those few be well tried before you give them your confidence. true friendship is a planet of slow growth, and must undergo and withstand the shocks of adversity before it is entitled to the appellation." -george washington.

it takes alot for people to push their insecurities aside and allow others to look right in their souls. but the reward for being vunerable is that deep sense of belonging that only a true friendship can give. friendship is a place where you can understand yourself with someone else.

i need you to help me understand and love myself. we are each other's safe place where our deepest secrets and most painful weaknesses find shelter and will never be used against us.

our friendship has been a journey. it's something we've struggled for, something that keeps changing and growing, and something that unfolds and takes shape as we live it everyday.

so here is one word for you, darling.
home.

i have and forever will
love you as my best friend.

there's no explosions here..

happy birthday, wherever you are.


it's detrimental to my health to even be thinking of you.
but i hope that, seeing as a year as passed. you've learned, and grown with each and everyday.
i hope maybe one day you'll grow to love.
and know what it's like to be graceful and give and enjoy happiness you've bestowed upon others.


happy birthday, whoever you are.
happy birthday, wherever you might be.

like i could ever forget.

there's things i can't justify

what is our life for, life that costs us so much, with its significant pleasures, when the absence of sufferings is perceived as happiness?



we have no clue where this will lead us.


i want to see the beauty in this.
because of that, there is so much.

is that what you call a getaway?

I'LL TELL YOU WHAT I GOT AWAY WITH.

i won't mind...

flames and smoke climbed out of every window
and disappeared with everything that i held dear
i shed not a single tear
for the things that i didn't need
because i knew.
i knew i was finally free.

because all i can see is where else i can be when i'm at home.
and there on the street, there are so many possibilities to not be alone.


it's like i suddenly realized you were walking up every step with me, holding my hand, turning me to hold a gaze every minute you could. you reached the floor, not that it looked different, but i think you knew i knew it was time. we opened the window, and looked outside. hm, it stopped snowing. so this is it, huh? he'll be letting me go, and he'll burn inside. why is he even here in the first place? you pull me into you, than.. and kiss me hard, that familiar taste settling on my lips once again. i than realize why you exist along side me. i get you, you get me. we just get it. you take your leap of faith. and stare up at me, as i hardly hesitate and without any rational thinking, make mine. free. free. you could run any which way, but you grab my hand, and hold it tight. it begins to rain. rain in february. you hate it, i love it. but we still smile, and continue along, in absolutely no direction whatsoever. we'll skip along the sidewalks until we find our way.


and i know maybe your heart belongs to someone you've already met.
but one day you will be loved.
you'll jump out that window.
and nothing will be as clear as that moment.

i sit here at my desk, instead of getting ready for school, staring at the loading screen.. in pure anticipation. :)

i can't believe you, haha.
even the thought is beautiful.

poetic tragedy.
perhaps my favourite song from an old favourite, the used.

i really thought that particular blog made me look.. completely desperate.
i'm going to be honest, and tell you i was drunk, i don't know if you noticed i included that in there.
but it was the most rational thinking i've done in a long time. i just felt entirely useless, but i knew it wasn't a lie. so it oddly found comfort in that.

i really do not try to be anything for anyone. i don't believe people when they say i mean something to them, because i don't understand how i can be so meaningful to another when i mean nothing to myself. if i don't even understand myself, my thoughts, my actions, my feelings.. than how can anyone else appreciate them? i don't even know if i'm real.

i don't know what turned me into this hating machine, i give credit to many events. but i know i do want to get through this.

i figure it's happening for a reason. i strongly believe everything happens for a reason.
this conversation, for instance.

please share with me what your idea is. i'm very curious.

i'm not sure what you mean.

terrifying hope is what you just gave me.


i want to feel my soul inside of me.
i want to feel so alive.
complete, like you said.



i want to know you.

to whom it may concern

anonymous-comment.
who are you?

please.

Fearlessness is a delicate virtue, its hard to keep being honest with people when rejection is constantly eating away at my courage. With every persons eyes that meet mine, i felt as if they know exactly who I am and how alone I am. I don't mean to be dramatic, from what I understand youve delt with alot of that so I wish I could spare you this but its not like I have anyone else to tell. I understand completly if you dont want to see me or talk to me, I would just really like to know what it is that I do to drive people so far away. Even if you never talk to me again I hope you could at least find some way to let me know whats wrong with me. I wish I were a machine, so I could just fix all the glitches and rid myself of a concience. Sometimes it feels as though all people are just machines that I dont understand. I feel like my heart is an uncontrollable compassion contraption, with no logic behind any of its order of actions. It just seems to be magnetic, pulling me towards all the cold sharp steely people that dont want me around. I know this is pathetic, I know that I'm drunk. These thoughts have to go somewhere, though, or they will ferment and gather strength. Far too often I become inebriated with sadness and it makes life seem sleepy. I'm not sure how all this sounds to you, please do not misjudge and take it as a cry for attention, far from it. I know this letter is scattered but I can't think of a logical way to fit this all together. Its like so much sadness is soaring throagh my head like a thousand little springs of sorrow. I have alot to offer, I dont know what it is that im supposed to be looking for to bring me happiness but I know that I need some sort of acceptance, some sort of embrace. I dont care in what form, I just need somebody to talk to me and really listen. I'm thinking of getting some professional help because nobody wants to listen for free. Thats all I can think to say right now, I wish I could be more dignified but this routine is getting old and its embarrasing. I'm tired of rejection and I can't stand the way I feel right now.

February 18th

all eyes on the calendar
another year i claim of total indifference to
here the days pile up with decisions to be made

and with these drinks i plan to collapse and forget this wasted year
these wasted years
devoted friends, they disappear
some decisions you don't make i guess

it's like breathing and not wanting to
there are some things that you can't fake
i guess that it is typical to cling to memories you'll never get back again
and to sort through old photographs of a summer long ago
or a friend that you used to know
and there, below his frozen face
you wrote the name and that ancient date
and you can't believe he is really gone
when all that's left is a fucking song