strange days are comin...

i'm quitting this ridiculous addiction. everything is pointing in that direction. i feel as though my body only craves this, and for a change, it's not in my mind. how that happened, i don't know, but i would be crazy to fight it. i don't want to feel dependent. there are things i've known all along, but i pulled the wool over my eyes, and decided to be oblivious to the the fact. not anymore - it's time to be realistic.

speaking of which, i honestly can't even grasp this. her threats hardly scare me, but rather make me laugh. i wish i could feel sympathy towards her and her dreadful disposition. and i don't hate, but god damn, am i coming close. how she feels towards me, is not the basis of my life, can't she see? i think i could perhaps rant about this for far too long. you are all machines. cold, steel, heartless machines. i'm not doing this.

and i'm skimming through my book, hoping to find that description. click click click. that's how it works. that's how this whole thing works. and it keeps me smiling. to even describe it, scares me, for i fear none of it would do him- along with this feeling- justice. nothing could possibly measure up. and i never thought i could be speechless... ...

i just peeked out my blinds. not the person i wanted to see. those were bad shivers.

elliot smith says:

and now i feel changed around, instead of falling down, i'm standing up.

i like that. i'm beginning to understand the reasons for what is happening to me. i'm not only aware, but i understand the consequences of my actions. i want to be practical. i want to live, feeling everything. i most definitely do not feel as though everything is enclosed within the borders of all this materialism. everything is different. my surroundings haven't changed, but i can feel myself changing within. therefore, i view reality in a different way.

and dinner pulls me away from my thoughts.