i'm dreaming of a white christmas..

...just like the ones i used to know. there's the understanding that it is just another day, that most of us don't celebrate the true meaning of, nor celebrate at all, but instead just use as an excuse to burn holes in our pockets. there is still the feeling that it is a time to be spent with others, particularly loved ones. so even though i don't feel the christmas spirit, even though there's no white christmas jingling through my head like every other year and even though i could care less about getting presents, i can't help but feel a little empty because it seems my christmas shall be spent alone. do i make the effort to go to my mother's? to be shot at with accusatory nonsense? to be the one to calm my mother because yet again she'll be playing the monkey in the middle? my brother will be stoned or burned out and therefore, in a haze, as per usual. i don't want to hear about how kabbalah is bullshit. i don't want to hear about mark. i don't want to hear about how i'm not an adult. i make my own decisions and i stepped up to the plate, and tried with all my might to do something to make everyone else happy, and it just resulted in a hole of mine. i am able to see it from both sides, so even if what he says, what he believes doesn't make sense on a personal level to me, i can understand how it may apply to him, and his beliefs. all he ever does is bust out his papers. do i try and go to dinner and have all this bs go through my head? i'd be leaving anyways, whether it would be on a good note or not. i almost want to spend it alone, because than i atleast have the certainty that i won't feel a bunch of commotion, maybe lonliness but lately i haven't been spending enough quality time with myself. my mind's all over the place right now, i'm going back to lay down and read.