Moyamoyamoyamoyamoya

Last night was great, all my friends get along so very well and I was happy to see so many shining, smiling faces. You could feel the love filling each room.







But things are more complicated than they seem. The four APO-250's sit on my desk next to this keyboard, my phone being next to them. 6 letters on the screen, blinking, blinking, blinking. Send. Your conversation sits on the bottom of the screen and I sit waiting, wishing for it to blink orange. I wish I could see the sun right now like you can. I have to take these, but I know I will vomit. Vomit or slowly kill yourself? I know I'd rather vomit, but I'm scared because I'm alone in this. People don't ask for such things. I mean perhaps there are ways to ask, but when you get to the bottom of everything, that is never the case. I dread this because I know of the symptoms. We know of so many symptoms yet continue on, we choose to do so. No reply. No reply. I'm running downstairs to fill up on milk. I'm scared. I miss being held, but not just being held, but being held and knowing with all my heart, that was my home. I associate it with Mark seeing as he's been the only person in my life thus far who I've felt anything truly, truly, truly real for. That makes me miss him. I remember when we fought at Caitlin's because he didn't want me to stay with him and get in trouble again. We fought and I argued and I cried and afterwards, he held me and gave me assurance. Everyday is different. I never count on myself to feel the same way I do tomorrow, or even in a few short hours. There are only a few things I know are concrete. They're worth holding on to. I've got that sick feeling you get in your stomach when the rollercoaster has travelled up, and is just heading down a steep track. Where your stomach flies above your head. I suppose that's similar to this, i've hit a low. I wish I could see the sun like you can right now. That means it would be morning, and that this night would end.