To live fully, one must be free, but to be free one must give up security. Therefore, to live one must be ready to die. How's that for a paradox?

in fact, i care about you more than i care about biology and stem cell research development, as well as ecological zones and speciation

be content with what you have, rejoice in the way things are, when you realize there is nothing lacking the whole world belongs to you.

she wrote this on the last page of the book she specially created for me in knowledge of my, yet another, departure. an automatic cloud covers my eyes and i feel a warm embrace squeeze me tight, as i sit on the couch to myself. it is beautiful thing when someone tells you they believe in you. without belief there is no strife for anything in life. we all want to reach an ultimate harmony. and with this journey before me, i shall strive to find my true happiness, never forgetting those who helped me believe when i lost sight. these agents of love are god sent. it is a circle in the chain we are a part of, exploring and trusting the universe.

~people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people never forget how you made them feel~

i want you to want me. and i want you to need me.


..............................

i crave for something i am not even sure of. or is it that i've begun to doubt? at times i believe i am beginning to understand the hunger from the thirst. it makes me loop around and... nostalgia, that old friend, simmers close by. the truth is that i don't know what i'm doing. if i am my own best friend, i must admit that to myself. i feel a seperation of the selves. readily my physical self wants to admit that it is the person that i am not. but ay, they all work in one after the other, in correspondance with one another. so my physical self hushes and gives way to a grandeur frame. but all the while, the self of thought and reason flinches and ...... receives unkindly?
lethargicly survives?
which leads the physical self to excuse and attempt to prevent the flinches.
clearly, these flinches are essential to one's well-being.
it is but the scale they are experienced at that can make a world of difference substance.
if nothing here can quench my thirst, perhaps somewhere else can
and to attain such things, i need not leave here and find a divine being on a path of earth

must surmount this obstacle. can and will and already have begun. i think not that it is too much to want him in bed with me tonight.
aside from this with little said and that being enough, i had a beautiful night with a girl from work named alex. it is wonderful to click with someone here. we really share many of the same ideals and thoughts in regards to life and simply being. i hope to find myself in her company more often, as i'm sure i shall.
the city has begun to look different. coming home felt new for the first time since i have arrived. i will slowly build my own life here. ahh, and this brings us to the beginning of this jibber-jabbish. surmounting the obstacle. sustaining myself, by myself.

all in time.

we start to feel like ants

yes, it is this time of year in our lives. the years fly by in our memories so very quickly that they all begin to haze and blur, one into the other into the other. smiles and smirks emerge as we retrospectively analyse the encounters made, the many laughable moments, all the harsh and the wondrous where time could have well been deemed non-existant.. or just too existant. we begin to scatter. we find ourselves places we never thought possible, seemed once so very far out of reach. a comfort begins to grow outside of who you thought you were, who you were. and yet again you. just. are. sadness can't be helped, however, for returning to babylon will never be as once was. off to pursue the unknown, each of us in our own ways. all feeling this awkward wave of nostalgia, nervousness, and excitement. but we will always hold this times close. the times when nothing mattered but the moment itself. we cherish those. it is a beautiful thing in life to be granted the ability to carry your memories with you wherever you venture. they mean most. for they can not equal in amount to any material existence. it is during these hectic times that we learn most. i hope to myself that each one of us take a few moments at least to relish in the years past. they are precious. to remember to never let go of your experiences and from which we came. our stages have been set.
and the play begins...

where is the breaking point? where do i let go? i feel a lump in my throat as i progress onwards. or do i?

the sky is your faucet

so here i am in jasper, alberta! i've been out here for nearly a week now visiting mike on the jasper park lodge. everything is so preserved and naturally beautiful out here. the waters are protected, the grounds are protected, and the wildlife is protected. all 700 employees basically live on the grounds and are all of the laid back, adventurous lifetsyle. they are get along .. there are so many positive vibes and so many cool paths of life to embark on staying here. as for the mountains, they are breath taking. they really do something to you. after climbing to old fort point, and making our way up the tree, you begin to drift off into this peaceful haze.. the branches lean and weave around you .. they are just the company one wants. drink it up, the wind says. every breath in is like the first in life. complete freshness. and the weather here.. just unpredictable. thursday night, my first night of enjoyment here i experienced one hell of a storm. an employee here at fairmont claimed he'd been here 18 years in jasper and not seen one storm like it. we sat in the backyard in law chairs, bundled up and prepared for what is essentially god's own cinema. nevermind how today seeing has become synonymous with watching the television set. watch the sky. here it is everchanging. the half moon hangs in the dark sky, a huge cloud inching quickly closer and closer.. the clouds open apart as to set out to swallow the moon whole. it is as though the clouds work around the moon. when they pass they moon, they pop out at you. like they are revolving around the moon. the light cast on the shadows and they pass on by is reflected in metallic colors of red, green blue and purple. electric transparency in the night sky. the shinook winds float russel through the trees and engulf you in a hot wind. they are carried from the pacific. gusts of rain.. cracks of lightening unlike anything else. the mountains outlining as the electricity surges.
just so god damn beautiful. elk roam just about everywhere and the horned goats are quite the site.
ahhh, life is good.

little kingdoms in your chest

"you have travelled across the country for love, you know that? *sappy smile*
jeez, massey. i never thought about it like that.



i had almost forgotten until last night as we lay on the couch, tangled in a mess of one another, watching some screened happiness. i floated out of the tv screen and into my own train of thought. the extent to how truly wonderful i feel inside stretches so vast. far more vast than any prairie scape i witnessed on my way here. so there i was floating in a bubble of happiness, his arms around my torso and head resting on my heart, my hands running through his silk like hair. i remember the one night he stole my attention with that one sentence. since than, it has grown to be more and more of a personal mission than anything else. t'was from the start, but of course this has had some sort of influence or effect. it would be unrealistic to say otherwise. "the faded soft breeze carries gently through the window where boy and girl lay ... " and than i fast forward to the day of my garage sale. i had mustered through number after number, sometimes believing it all was... disintegrating, disappearing, disassembling itself from my world without a single ounce of my control. could i let it leave my mind? it still hasn't. i had gone seeking. and i had discovered. upon my discovery, i had run down the long set of stairs to the front door and out onto the lawn where my dear friends and housemates lay in the sun after setting up our wondrous possessions in the driveway, anxious to fundraise. i fail to contain and interrupt a conversation i was not a part of with bursts of smiles, laughter and bouts of jumping and skipping like a pre-schooler. ah, the cool grass! i dive for the grass and wiggle and dance around in the refreshing greens of nature that was my lawn, all the while my cheeks burning from copius amounts of laughter. my friends begin to laugh, aswell. we all know sam's crazy, but what is she doing? i had not even said one word yet. words would spoil the moment. so we laugh together and close my eyes to gain composure. i open them again to stare straight up into my tree. how i loved that tree. it looks as though it was plucked right from the plains of africa. long winding brances that hang low almost as if to keep you company and flat, fanning leaves. the sun was peeking through where it could. it was a pleasant light - warm with it's hazy glow. distance meant not a thing to me in that moment. as i watched the clouds roll by through the openings above in my tree, i realized we are living underneath the same sky. and when we sleep, we sleep beneath the same sky and the sun will rise and we shall rise with it, under that same sky. i felt connected to a happiness that felt as pure as ever. still having not spoken, i jump up to my feet and shake my head and smile to my friends. they are my friends. they do not question. they do not pry. they observe and they are receptive and understanding. they know.

i grab some cherries from the wicker table in the vestabule. i trust my friends will take care of things for these 10 minutes. there is something i must do. sometimes, some things just... are. and those times you feel you just must act upon them... you just.. do. things are and they will be. i rub my cheeks as i pedal to the store with 50 cents in one pocket, and my love and a few cherries in the other. i didn't know than that i would be spending precious time with that spot on the pavement beneath the telephone.

but what i did know, was that i was going to make it. maybe not to such a place as here, with whom i share it with, but here. in my heart of hearts of hearts of hearts. out here where the mountains blow us away and the valleys stretch far and wide. like the love i have inside to give. like the happines that fills my life - the things inside that i want to share with you.

i have arrived in edmonton. right now, i am barely awake. i was just looking to update my status. mmmm.

doesn't one ever feel company in a field of long grass and stretches of dancing trees around? doesn't one find the lights in the sky unlike any other spark they've ever witnessed or experienced? doesn't anyone just fall in love?
*sigh*

and i ask myself, why are you even still a source of my greif? i guess a part of me dies when i set you free.

OCTOBER 2008: CHILE W/ PAX

my mum bought my ticket for me today. i'm lucky to have her around. my head has been pounding all day - sometimes i think it's this house. people yelp outside my window, they annoy me to no end. i'm pretty sure my neighbours feel the same way about it. they'll never know. i want to scream out the window, shut the fuck up. i suppose i will give up the breeze as to get away from that lady's nasally, wretched, drunken laugh. it's my last weekend here. i plan to fill it nicely. much relaxation. i am moving home for the last week of my stay. i'm ever so glad it will be where i branch off from. i won't feel any better than leaving from home. home.

aha! i have master-minded my ways around my ridiculous computer that lays upon it's deathbed. no deathbed shall get in the way of my explosion of thoughts and dire need to save them on this here website. wordpad, *type*, ctrl+c, *click*, blogger, ctrl+v! *click*. et voila! my brilliance radiates at such a silly hour in the morning! okay, enough, enough. i'm excited to once again spill my thoughts into this screen. i've been writing a lot more in my journal, though i always do, which feels good because that i will carry with me on my journey. there's so much to type, my fingers cannot seem to work in accordance with the surging electricity running through every inch that is me.during the course of the last few months, i have been communicating back and forth with this really enjoyable young couple from brantford. they came across a post i set up on kijiji classifieds looking for a rideshare to western canada. after learning of them, their interests and their hopes for their time on earth, we decided to meet. they'd been planning this trip for some time, and they're drive and determination and overall positive attitudes drove me in the same direction aswell. 18 and 21, with a 1 year old, married for 3 years. that is what they wanted for their lives. they travel, backpack and crave the world. and not only did they drive from deep in the southern most parts of ontario to meet me here in barrie, we enjoyed a beautiful day at a serene part along the lake and smoked a nice one. they were perfect. the car was loaded, all we were doing was killing time until my moving day. perfect. today, i come home, very haggered after a long, strenuous walk from blaine's to find an e-mail in inbox, dying to be opened. to only come across words that left me feeling so stupid for relying on anyone to reach my own personal goals. anyways, they're not going. they fear they won't have enough money to return to ontario after embarking on such a long trip off of work. understandable but i felt such a gust of confusion and terror. it's easy to let situations such as that tear you down. but i knew i had to step back and properly assess my predicament. okay, so this is happening for a reason. i know i have the means to travel otherwise. agh, it would have been cool to be leisurely, stop where we'd like, take some beautiful shots. does this mean i shouldn't go? should i go? wait, why am i doubting myself? this is just a test. of course i want to go, am i mad. if i don't, i'm going to kick myself. if i don't, where will i be? okay, i am going. nothing like a little test to boost my confidence. the art of perservering has come into play. my date has been pushed forward a few days, but this is nothing detrimental at all. i have a bit more time to cool down with my baby malcolm before i give him away. more time to store my boxes at andrew's (thank the lord for him and that offer). and when i really sit down and think about it, i might be spending less than originally, considering we were taking a week long drive out there. i found a really cheap bus ride from toronto to edmonton for 185 one way. one way :)
okay, well.. i'm tired now. more to come. thank you wordpad. goodnight world.

"i think i am just going to walk around hijab-less in edmonton"

"see, serious identity crisis"

"i think we're all just seeking comfort"


i met jacob and beth today. they are such a loving, happy couple. i can hardly wait to meet lillia. it will be interesting riding with a baby. i have to get my stuff in order quick. i am going to miss my friends. but hardly. i am scared. i can't wait to see matthew. my mind can't slow down long enough to sit and write about anything and make sense.

six one three
two six one
five seven five two

crazy to want

my computer is acting up and it is so hard to type. each letter taking far too long to show itself on screen. malcolm and spic lay sprawled on my bed infront of the yellow night light. i don't dare wake their souls, they are far too precious in their silences. and even when not. i am going to miss my baby malcolm very much. i can't imagine how parents feel about their children. i haven't left barrie yet but i miss it already. i find myself cherishing, savouring things that i've let go unnoticed, the beauty that we're lucky to have surround us. i've been rekindling old fires and re-analyzing friendships and relationships, realizing those i want to stay in contact with. understanding that this is a test of sorts. i realize that this is going to be the first time in my life that i am on my own. my mum will no longer be down the street, no help when i'm hungry, no quick stop bys when i'm down in the dumps. i am scared out of my pants. but i am going because i can't sit here any longer paralyzed with fear. oppourtunities for love, life, and a better sense of independence and strength lay ahead.

i changed the link to this website. julie told me when i found someone that made me feel so compelled, that made the act nothing but a click of a mouse, than i was ready. i'm not sure i found that mirror, that lighthouse. but i have found the hopes in which i will thrive off of, and they have pushed me enough. it is no longer where we breathe, but where i breathe. and my silences are now verbalized. the important ones that i so long ignored.
my room here is so nice right now. it smells wonderful, the walls are clean and for the most part, empty. my space feels ten times bigger and i feel ten times comfier. i'm beyond excited for this trip, but every so often the thought kicks in and ravels around my brain and my heart and reminds me that i will not have a home for some time to come. my bed is more inviting than ever and my possessions are more loved than before. i am taking time to be thankful for what i have, and i know that soon i will understand that concept to an even greater extent. i look forward to living with the bare necessities. i look forward to packing and understanding my needs. i look forward to feeling at peace with myself and the life i carry on my back. i look forward to leaving this stage and welcoming the road as my home. but! i am petrified all in the same. i suppose that's how it goes. welcome to the unknown.

it's always late when i decided to do this..


maybe one day you'll read this. maybe one day you'll understand that some random serendipitous occurances have all lead up to how i feel about you. the happiness i feel in thoughts of you is beyond moviescreen, beyond any orchestral symphony, beyond any description.

on this harvest moon.

well since it is now 2 in the morning instead of 11 o'clock which is when i had originally planned to plump my tush down and write, i will keep this very short. neil young sings me to sleep, and thoughts of you never seize to leave my body. thoughts of somewhere else, thoughts of something fresh, thoughts of building. it's like looking into life and not merely at it.

ashley is leaving for out west on saturday. i leave to richmond hill tomorrow. i'm going to miss her dearly for i know not when she will return. thankfully i'll be able to have more contact with her than i thought. she's holding on to my tiger lily. and my heart. i'll see her soon.

i look to my right, have i done this before? it's hard for my mind to wander into thoughts of anything else other than the idea of you and what could come. i hope you haven't stopped thinking about it, either.

ta-da:

print resumes.
kozlov mall - adult passport application
inquire bus prices and schedules
consult mario
talk to enslen
begin sorting for garage sale (lists)
$52. 00: phone bill
cam: rent
mum
clinic
retrieve boxes for packing
laundry
*richmond hill this weekend
seminar
mock trial
buy new diary $1$
cds

that's enough for now!

so i don't really have it out for anyone but man, nigel is the biggest coward i've come in contact with. he can't even look a person straight in the eye in fear that they will realize (which they do) that all he speaks is untruths - cruel ones, at that. and it makes me feel queasy to know that i cannot simply leave something 'desirable' on the kitchen counter for but 5 minutes without someone abusing the fact that it is everyone's house, but that not everything is communal. it's common sense and it disgusts me. and this is why i've found myself returning from my beautiful excursion in the mountains, tearing up like a school girl. because home is not a 4 bedroom bungalow in the suburbs, or bathrooms suited with jacuzzi tubs or even your sweetest bedroom decor that without, you are not.. it's the love that flows through the rooms, that travels under the doors even when bolted shut and that is continuous. my expressions lay strewn across my floor, spread across my ceiling and carved into my mellow cubicle. and when i shut the door, i suppose i could call this home. but this unreasonable situation has me feelin' like nothing that is mine means a damn thing. nothing i cherish means anything when i'm stuck here.

i wish i had someone to stay up all night with and read and smoke with. i miss those sleepovers. i guess i feel a hell of a lot better than i did hours ago - every one of us really needed to vent what was pent up inside. and i mean, i believe it stretches further but we all want to reach that same ideal, that same happiness but our pursuits are of variety. if we can all look into ourselves and realize this, than respect can be found. we're really no different from any other household, we just don't have a defined group dynamic. a mother doesn't pick up and sort out the laundry that gets mixed up. and obviously no one does anything unless they're motivated because well.. .. need i say more? we just need to work on this house and some ground laws, atleast for now. now's time for ourselves, a bit more space - physically, emotionally. but for now, i am slowly drifting off in this computer screen, finish is blurred.
school tomorrow, goodnight.

and i look back, so strong that it was like that time we made imprints in the wet cement and waited for them to dry. ashley is 20 today. her and i are travlling to calgary. i'm packing all of my things soon and who knows where i will find myself. this is for the best. i tell myself this over and over. if ashley leaves, i'd really have no reason to be here. those once so bright are draining into this monotonous electronical cycle of lameness. i miss my guitar, i hope tyler remembers to bring it tomorrow morning.
i love you, let's go to sleep.

the way you think it oughtta be...

i've been smokin' too long.

there are so many possibilites to be explored, and that's just within my mind. how can you ever know you're on a leash if you stay in range of that peg?

one foot is too far ahead of the other. though capable, i just cannot love. i have just realized there are no more elephant shoes. i broke up with joshua. it was stupid. julie moved in. she's sweet and cultured. i must retire to bed.
sometimes i enjoy producing writing that is like that of a grade 2's.

MANUFACTURED LANDSCAPES

Tonight, we watched a documentary Andrew picked up called MANUFACTURED LANDSCAPES. It is a feature length documentary on the world and work of renowned artist Edward Burtynsky. Burtynsky makes large-scale photographs of ‘manufactured landscapes’ – quarries, recycling yards, factories, mines, dams and photographs civilization’s materials and debris. He does this in such a way that people describe as “stunning” or “beautiful,” and so raises all kinds of questions about ethics and aesthetics without trying to easily answer them.

Basically the film follows Burtynsky to China as he travels the country photographing the evidence and effects of that country’s massive industrial revolution. Sites such as the Three Gorges Dam, which is apparenetly bigger by 50% than any other dam in the world and displaced over a million people, factory floors over a kilometre long!!! and the breathtaking scale of Shanghai’s urban renewal are subjects for his lens and motion picture camera.

The film was shot in Super-16mm film, which extends the narrative streams of Burtynsky’s photographs, allowing audiences to meditate on our profound impact on the planet and witness both the epicentres of industrial endeavour and the dumping grounds of its waste. What makes the photographs so powerful is his refusal in them to be didactic. We are all implicated here, they tell us: there are no easy answers. The film approaches the presentation of complexity, without trying to reach simplistic judgements or reductive resolutions and in the process, it was trying to shift our consciousness about the world and the way we live in it. and not a single thing i have done since viewing it has been the same. even merely typing on this keyboard to convey this to you.

please, i urge you. rent this video. open your eyes.

i'm not even close to being over this and i cannot bare to put josh through the emotional turmoil i experienced because of mark's past. i miss the blue box. i need to apologize. everytime i'm convinced things are definitely brighter, which granted they are, i get slapped in the face again. how do i find closure when we never ended what we had? i lay my head to sleep at night and stare at the tree crawling up my wall. our reality. i miss the elephant shoes, it makes me sad.
writing is too difficult right now.

unclench your fists and drop everything. stand before me and let me speak my peace. i have not come to hurt nor to cause trouble, but to apologize, and speak only truths. i do ask you to understand my eyes. if i am hurting, i am only human and i will in fact, shed tears. know that i have no time to hear anything that frowns upon that.
i need to tell you..

is this the right place? or the right time?

hmm?

When one is sometimes preoccupied with fear, one should know that there is none else but Him. And if one sees that fear still has the upper hand, one should know that there is no such thing as chance, which God has given from above, an opportunity to contemplate the end one has been sent this fear. It appears that it's been sent so that one could say, "there is none else beside Him". But if after all that, one is still afraid, than one should take it as a role model and say that one's fear of God should be as overpowering as the fear that is presently felt.

and in a blur of all unknown, the intensity levels beyond any apt description, the fog slowly seperates and rises. the wind begins to feel warmer as it carries my thoughts along the sidewalks and through the dancing trees. the sun illuminates my mind. the sky, bold and soft. from grey into blue. i write like a hippie but i don't care because even the most non sensical things fall into place when i am with you.

its' the nature of the experiment.

man i'm soo sick of having parties every weekend. it's strenuous, things go missing, it's an excuse for too much sex, theft and messying up another's house without really being responsible. i really think i'm going to exclude myself from the festivities for a while. old teenage hopes lay at my door. mark's dad used to tell him before he changed the world, he should clean his own bedroom. well i set aside all my commitments and tore apart this shit hole. and now it's my time.

exterminate all rational thought.

exterminate all rational thought.
exterminate all rational thought.
exterminate all rational thought.
exterminate all rational thought.
exterminate all rational thought.
exterminate all rational thought.
exterminate all rational thought.
exterminate all rational thought.
exterminate all rational thought.
exterminate all rational thought.
exterminate all rational thought.
exterminate all rational thought.
exterminate all rational thought.
exterminate all rational thought.

itwasgoodfridaythestreetswereopenandemptyioncefellinlovewithyoujustbecausetheskiesturnedfromgreyintoblue.

rejazz:

motivation for sleep? i am robot. number s1048. version whatever. i feel like i'm dreaming. in the sense that, i essentially feel as though i'm actually sleeping. it doesn't feel. why is it that when i so drift off to sleep, it is than that i feel as though i've woken at all? haze may accumulate, but thought progression, preservation, has held strong. we could keep on burying our dead, keep on planting their bones in the ground. but they won't grow. the sun doesn't help, and than what you find yourself with, is a giant grub of names and dates. the dust of earth returns.

we're living in a den of thieves
rummaging for answers in the pages
the flowers they gave me were rotten
but still i refused to throw them out
the bulbs never even opened quite fully
so i waited instead
the things i have loved i'm allowed to keep
i'll never know if i go to sleep
i'm taking a knife to the books that i own
i'm chopping and chopping and boiling
soup from stones
and somedays aren't yours at all
they come and go as if there someone else's days
they come and leave you behind someone else's face
and it's harsher than yours
colder than yours
they come in and quiet, sweep up and than they leave

we don't hear a single floorboard creek


i've gone away
don't call me, don't write

i'm not really here

so this is literature..

we used to call it running with the extinct, but they're kind of all dead now... so now, we call this running with the endangered. of the billions upon billions of species that one could usually find just about anywhere one went, only a few remain... i believe the last number was 137,982, outside of domesticated ones, but i would probably be wrong seeing as the number changes every other minute.

the signs here used to say welcome to mexico. the humans who live here used to say welcome to infierno, for all you non-hispanics that might mean 'hell'. these days the signs say welcome to el santuario, loosly translating to mean 'the sanctuary', obviously a name like mexico wasn't working anymore, and hell was loosing it's touch.

you see, there isn't anymore animals anywhere but here. climate change and all that global warming kung-fooey crap, really fucked things up on the planet, and not too long after those yankee idiots decided to do something about it, all animal migration patterns were already starting and ending in el santuario. Pretty soon, everything just stopped migrating, and lived their full lives here... which was obviously only sustainable for a few hundred thousand species.

say i am everything. say i am god. everything. the world slaps you. the donkey is the mankind, and person beating it is god. he beats it not because he hates it, but because he loves it. and wants to miove it out of the pile of mud and shit and onto the green pastures for which it was meant in it's creations. as impossibilistic and idealistic as this now, but one day it will be...

altruism
or
bust.

love... or KABOOM! ~mushroom clouds~

a sight to behold

he thinks he knows me. he thinks he's figured the every equation, pattern, and entire mathematics that we may very well call me. and we laughed together because we know these thoughts, these self proclaimations of utter greatness stray far from what holds true. i didn't ask, nor did i condone his disrespectful self to come into my home, my bedroom, my sanctuary, my hideout and disturb the peace, the positivity. these few events have left me in a frenzy of mixed emotions. sad, because the care that has prevailed falls on deaf ears, wool covered eyes - a whirlwind of egoism. confusion. we got here somehow. misconceptions in regards to all things from the C. frustration. my walls, my possessions, so much sentiment being pryed from my very hands. ecstatic. reinforcing the faith in each doubt. relief. and him. his warmth and his explosions of rich blue, surging electric light i'm blessed with gazing into. everything is fine. everything is more than fine. words have been left unsaid but i truly do not gain any sort of satisfaction out of spitting harsh bashes at him, though there are, of course, the times when one needs to get their earful. time. as much as i have pent up the dramas, i've come to let go. emancipation, education, masturbation. life is wonderful and i'll fuckin' finger paint all i want. :)

it's like the cheeto cheese you can never get enough of

making love feels like crying. making love feels like every beautiful moment ever endured, every heightened sense of beauty and what it entails, all experienced & encompassed within the moments shared together. as we breathe heavy in unison. each others' fingertips rushing softly, delicately over our bodies. we awaken and react as one, creating the love that spills so poetically from our lips. love at it's finest.

so the king has floated via sky on his cloud and arrived back on the same pedastool, if not raised a touch or two, to here from which he departed.

there is an understanding, one that is unspoken. an unspoken understanding. words need not be said. glances thought to be one sided have now been deemed consentual, have now been locked and have delved deep within. she stares into the pools of his heart and feels his soul wrapping it's warmth around her whole entire body, relative to her soul, her entire being and existance. both out of breath and intensely shaky, she nuzzles as close into him as she physically can. he is soft. he is gentle. his eyes water when he speaks, as he speaks with great passion and nothing less. she closes her eyes to relish in their peace, in the feelings that in such a short time have blasted off beyond any concepts of time and space.

i was holding a blue flag. i was overwhelmed as tears started pouring down my face, all the while nuzzling into my new boyfriend. all this pain i have felt had been freed from the confinements i somehow managed to have created inside of me. he looked at me and i lost myself in his stare. i hoped than that his stare could be mine for much time to come. i will wish for that to be always.

magnetic molten lava attraction

my heart roars from my chest like a lion on mescaline. the pace is intoxicating, i feel like a boquet of life in the midst of glorius explosions. my atoms are colliding and the sky is the only applicable route. welcome to pangaea, now let me show you the sky. the sky. the haze of all this fades to obscurity only as fast as my legs can tear me away from it. the density of the plant-life alarmingly expected. i console myself that this is the only kind of place that this kind of thing could happen in. oh god, the sky. ripped once more from my displacement, i'm thrown back into this mirage, these trees and this sky... no shoes? why wouldn't i bring shoes to something like this? the movement. fuck the shoes. i haven't needed them for this half of what feels like eternity and i doubt i need them for the next. i'm still running. wait, why am i running, like this? where to, or more importantly where is it that 'to' entitles? my heart. OH GOD, i forgot my heart. my chest is beating like a rebellion. France is on fire, France is in flames! France is in flames? Whatever that means can't distract from the war drum that beats only to me. I know why i run only when i abandon my explainations and flimsy segways. without reason, i find my understanding. i run to the sky.

ey.. i hope you stay safe on this high flyin' endeavour of yours. best of luck with the weather and be confident! spring has bloomed in barrie and i am a night hawk. i hope you're havin' a blast, i really do. it's been some time, but i suppose i'm writing you right now just to tell you that i'm really happy for you - and not in an aching sort of way, and not in a love sap sort of way, but out of care and out of you serving super significance in a really important time in my life. i've come to put stuff in the past. and it feels really liberating.i know this whole computer thing is known for miscommunications. but i say this nicely, truly, honestly...
thanks, mark. i can't pinpoint for what exactly, but y'know.
be well! :)
sam


i'm a rationalist, at large. some people just enter your life exactly when you need them to. or you need them to just enter your life period. some things just are, and you must act upon them. all this build up for something so beautiful. some two so beautiful. for what just might be something so beautiful.

i can't even articulate that which i'd like to right now, but i've got this embarrasing ink on my face and everytime i look in the mirror, your name is reflected. if you be my mirror, i'll be your lighthouse and my light will never die. LIFE IS BEAUTIFUL.

i think i displaced and projected the certain feelings i experienced in direct correlation with you onto others. i think that's was a very just, truthful statement.

Open slightly your heart to me, and I will reveal the world to you

where is my freedom of choice?

if we assume that will has no freedom, we are all like machines, operating and creating through external forces which make it act the way it does. we are all incarcerated in the prison of providence, which using these 2 chains, pushes and pulls us to its will, to where it sees fit. there seems to be no such thing as selfishness in the world, since no one here is free and stands on his own two feet.

when i examine the acts of an individual, i find them compulsory. we are compelled to do them and have no freedom of choice. like a stew, cooking on the stove, with no choice but to cook.
PROVIDENCE HAS HARNESSED LIFE WITH TWO CHAINS: PLEASURE AND PAIN.
living creatures have no freedom of choice, choosing pain or rejecting pleasure, and the only advantage men have over animals is that we can aim at a remote target. i can agree to a certain amount of current pain, out of choice of future benefit or pleasure, to be attained after some time.
there's no more than a seemingly commercial calculation here. the future benefit or pleasure, seems greater than the current pain or agony that we have agreed to take on presently. the pain is deducted from the aspired pleasure, and some extra remains.
only pleasure is extended.
and so sometimes, it happens that one of us is tormented because one didn't find the pleasure one attained, to be surplus one had hoped for, compared to the agony one suffered, and therefore one is in deficit. it's all done as merchants do, you could say.

there's no difference! here between man and animal. there is no free choice whatsoever, but a pulling force, attracting toward any bypassing pleasure and rejecting from painful circumstances. providence leads them to every place it chooses by means of these 2 forces without asking their opinion.

even the determination of the type of pleasureand the benefit are entirely out of one's own free choice, but rather follow the desire of others.
example? sally sits, sally dresses, sally speaks, eats. sally does all of these not because she wants to sit that way or talk that way, or dress or eat that way. sally does it because others want sally to sit, dress, talk and eat that way. it's in accordance with the desires of society, not sally's own free will.

but i...

i do all of these things against my will. i would feel a lot more comfortable behaving simply, not carrying any burden. i am chained in every movement to the flavors and manners of others, which make up the society around me.

in my near past state, i operated according to the understanding of my egoistic nature. i regarded this or that as good or bad; i learned from my environment and acted accordingly.

the more i connect with my surroundings, the freer i feel in this world. and i see. i see that the world around us changes according to how we want to see it.

"What is REAL?" asked the Rabbit one day, when they were lying side by side near the nursery fender, before Nana came to tidy the room.

"Real isn't how you are made," said the Skin Horse. "It's a thing that happens to you. When a child loves you for a long, long time...REALLY loves you, then you become Real."

"Does it hurt?" asked the Rabbit.

"Sometimes," said the Skin Horse, for he was always truthful. "When you are Real you don't mind being hurt."

"Does it happen all at once, like being wound up," he asked, "or bit by bit?"

"It doesn't happen all at once," said the Skin Horse. "You become. It takes a long time. That's why it doesn't happen often to people who break easily, or have sharp edges, or who have to be carefully kept. Generally, by the time you are Real, most of your hair has been loved off, and your eyes drop out and you get loose in your joints and very shabby. But these things don't matter at all, because once you are Real you can't be ugly, except to people who don't understand."



-- The Velveteen Rabbit

caitlin is over. kirston moved in. stanley and i shared a beautiful day outside. caitlin has a bruised hand. ko sat on it. everynight is a sleepover.

i have gender issues.

last night was, but of course, st. patrick's day. another excuse to attend a social event and make appearances and hoot and holler and the like. i think of last year, and remember the adventures. i was a little girl, than.. living at home, under mummy and evil stepfather's rule and had to beg my old heart out to even have them think of letting me go out on such a night. i suppose it was than that i was wholesome? so being wholesome is to be flawless, is that it than? because i'm pretty sure a universal entirely human thing is to falter and make mistakes, make really crappy ones, to experiment and to get lost, to maunder in the wrong directions, but to eventually arrive somewhere peaceful. i don't know why in the hell i'm ragged on for being human. there's a road i've left to find, but i'll be there in time. i suppose those road just ain't cut out for the two of us.

it is nearly 3 o'clock in the morning, but it's march break and i think i am entitled to these nights. i'm walking far more often, mainly due to the nice weather we've been having. this past weekend, i ventured to toronto and walked all over. walking is good for the soul. in and around this time is very odd for me. the smells of the winter leaving us and the spring waiting to greet us, are clearly so nostalgic. many beautiful memories from this past year sweep back to me. i'm truly learning how to smile in thought of them. i'm very tired, though, and hardly know if i'm even making any sense at all. i must go to bed.. tomorrow, i plan to spring clean and put on feel good music. i must accomplish cleaning up this hole. i wish the gangsters (if you will) shared some common ground in respects to the definition of a home.

the more i see in you, the more i see there is so much more. you can drink beer and wine and be just fine.

i always heard that your entire life flashes before your eyes the second before you die. last night my second stretched out forever, like an ocean of time. i saw the stars in the middle of the night during brown owl campfires in 2nd grade. i saw yellow leaves from the maple trees that lined our old street. and my grandmothers hands and the way her skin seemed like paper. and the first time i ever saw his smile... ...

there is an understanding between people, i believe - an unwritten consent. i know it's there, though am unsure as to what it says, or what it even means. but it is felt internally. the more i feel it, the more i try to comprehend it's way. i as a human possess the the incredible capacity to feel. to hurt. to lie. and love.

i look back, the past 2 years having blended themselves almost entirely. sometimes i try to sort out one day from the next, but am always left with an uninteruptted flow of what i've come to know as reality, turned into what are now memories. i am left with a hazy pulp of rhetoric and unanswered questions, all stemming from my ridiculous affinity for affection.

i've never understood why my love has been so destructive.

i feel this inexplicable nostalgia. without knowing who, or what i miss, i sit here at my desk and wonder how much my life can handle. a cycle of losing, gaining, faces and recollections of things i've lost long ago, covered by that which awaits to take the other's places.

"it's like my heart is broken into so many tiny pieces, they could fit through the eye of a needle.. it's like this hole in your chest, that not any amalgamation of things could ever fill, could ever set at ease, could ever repair." i said this after he passed away. it is mind blowing how death can change you.

but it's hard to stay mad when there's so much beauty in the world. sometimes i feel like i'm seeing it all at once, and it's all too much to even bear.. my heart fills up like a balloon and could burst. and than i remember to relax and stop trying to hold on to it. than it flows through me like rain and i cant feel anything...

but gratitude.

Don't Make Me Go All Single Cell Organism, Infect Your Poor Ass And Cause E.D, Sucka

"I say, if your knees aren't green by the end of the day, you ought to seriously re-examine your life!"


...infact, I've pretty much given up modern sophistication in order to retain fantastic thought, not to say I'm simple by any regard; but like hell I'm living without fantastic vision.

the buses were infact, not cancelled, this morning, which comes as a shock to me considering the bone chilling -35 degree windchill factor. it's too cold to even enjoy taking one step outside. don't get me wrong, i love the winter - the soft crunching noises beneath your feet as you create footsteps in your path in the snow, the sparkling stars of snowflakes falling on your cheeks, the need for big hollywood glasses because it's blindingly bright, fooling around in your ugly vintage snowsuit in the backyard making hotbox forts, crashing and burning courtesy of your snowboard, watching the people on your street act like animals as they try and attempt to shovel their driveways (which is sortof comical because the way i see it, it's winter, dress accordingly, you might! need gloves whilst completing such a task.. you would think? comfort before looks, it's winter, christ's sake!)
but anyways, here i sit, as school would just be starting, hazey-eyed, with malcolm cuddling quite comfortably in my lap. another day of missed school. i hope that it's one of those altered days, i'm not sure my conscience or my academic pursuits can afford any more missed days. and to boot, i'll be heading to my mum's shortly, which means i'll not complete any homework tasks i might have left. might beinga keyword, because i'm not entirely sure what i've got on my plate left to eat. when did i stop caring about being on the honour roll...
i told my mum, 10 o'clock, but i'm going to crawl back into bed within the next few minutes, and i gaurantee the phone'll be a-ringin' the next thing i know. the one night i get a decent amount of sleep and actually wake without thanks to an alarm clock, at the correct time, i'm on the couch, freezing cold with lack of a pillow... my bed looks comfy, awaiting my body to occupy it.

come and spend the night girl

why does advancing spiritually feel like suicide to my ego?
when spritual advancement and egoism both seem to hold nothing for me, that's when they're equal and that is when free will choice can be made

why is that?

2384 Monck Rd.

i take more time to sit in silence. there is so much depth and beauty in silence. how beautiful one moment can be. i relish this infinite peace. two boats float on top of the incredibly calm waters. pure, infinite, warm. there is a purity in staying true, in walking with a gorgeous man and wanting nothing more than their friendship. everything beings in the dark as the day begins in the night.

This is the modulus of elastizity

musings from the porch

Yesterday, the day began so warm, the heat already palpable. The bright sun illuminated the dust on my dresser and the silvery filaments of spider webs, spiraling midair, mirroring qualities of my inner housekeeping. Now, it’s deep into the night, the air is fresh and cool, and above there are a million stars. The moon is a few days from being full. I love cool nights. My heart feels the immediacy of mystery on these bright summer nights; sitting quietly on my porch I offer hospitality to the unknowing. Dust and webs aside, graciously I invite, “Forgive the mess, and linger awhile.”

Existence has its own way, smiling at innocents who think they have control. In this moment, the only moment, I have no control. I don’t need any. My trust in this runs deep. The next breath will come, and so will the one after that. The one that does not come will leave me in total peace with silence.

The sky expands. In darkness I see there are more than a million stars – there are millions upon millions. Sitting here, I am so small – a tiny particle of dust in the grandeur of the universe. I am a silvery, shimmering, smiling, crying particle of dust, reflecting a miniscule facet of glory – absolutely right in size and shape for the reason I exist.

What is this experience of “I,” of this person I call myself, Samantha? This has been a source of wonder from the earliest recognition of self awareness in childhood. Perhaps it is the greatest variable in my nature. The character and quality of “I” is sometimes a feeling of alienation, at other times of communion with life. I move on a continuum of self-deprecation to profound self worth. At times this feeling of “I” has been a prison bounded in captivity by habitual thoughts and feelings – circling, tapes that wind, rewind and run again. At other times, emancipated, this “I” is my own hidden treasure. This “I” is an eye, through which God sees.

In the deepest shadows of night, when there was no moon, no stars, and the unfriendly air was chilly and everything was dirty and disgusting – in that dark night was there a god to see? For a time I doubted…and then the cleaning began. Some unseen hand within began the polishing in the seat of my soul. As Rumi says,

An unsuspecting child first wipes the tablet
and then writes the letters on it.
God turns the heart into blood and desperate tears;
then writes the spiritual mysteries on it.

Internal resources seek light. After the tears, I seemed to find resolve to move and flutter, scratch and tear a hole in the papery screen covering this darkest room. Reality teaches by means of opposites and contrasts, wrath and mercy. With wet wings and compassion I saw the sun rise for the first time. The imperfection of the world is what gives birth to the sunrise, to the reality of love – an unconditional love that loves even this imperfection.

Imperfectly and hesitantly I have been riding into the unknown. Traversing has been tumultuous – like riding an unruly horse I have hung on, grasping at a wispy mane with my fists and a moving torso with the length of my legs, clinging to an uncertain security. Getting bucked off is sudden, painful, humiliating to my ego. This falling has happened over and over again; learning to ride the undulations of existence is at times painful and frightening. Trembling is a part of being human. Rumi says,

Look at yourself, trembling
afraid of non-existence:
know that non-existence is also afraid
that God might bring it into existence.
If you grasp at worldly dignities,
it’s from fear, too.
Everything, except love of the Most Beautiful,
is really agony. Its agony
to move towards death and not drink the water of life.

One day I know I will let go – let go of fear, of trembling, of resistance. Perhaps that day is soon. Though the horse is appealing – strong, beautiful, compelling, the horse is an illusion. Finally it will dissolve as fantasies do. I feel and note the particles, like dust on my dresser, fragments of the illusion falling away, resting, glistening in the new day's morning sun, smiling at me. I feel the intimacy of love, unconditioned immanent love, warming me in this light. This love, without control, without fear, without knowing, wraps me softly in his very own light.

"the reason you piss me off a lot, is because I still have strong feelings for you"
you were already somebody's baby.

ta:da:

deposit 420 for rent because tara is anal
integrated form: creative writing piece
portfolio
complete ideology form
give matt a solid set list for poster
free the children on friday


guitar strings
talk to bob dylan
canada world youth tickets
midnight overpass spring nights
tell andrew he's the best friend ever

Finally, after a year of submissive relationship, it appears, Prime Minister Girija Prasad Koirala and some of his colleagues within the Congress party have started realizing what the Maoists are up to. Prime Minister Koirala's refusal to toe Prachanda's line in declaring the country a republic through the reinstated parliament has once again demonstrated that Koirala does have the courage to lead the nation during this tumultuous period.

Prachanda, like in the past when the country was declared secular, failed to cast his spell and charm on Koirala and his colleagues this time around. With Koirala's refusal, Prachanda's uninterrupted run over the democratic forces has come to an abrupt end, even if it is temporary. Koirala's refusal to snatch peoples' right to choose has exhibited the subtle difference between a lifelong democrat who believes in people's right to choose and a radical communist who thinks "power comes from the barrel of a gun."

Negotiations with the Maoists were started with promises of peace. But the Maoists had something else in their mind; they want to take country toward dictatorship with promises of democracy. The Maoists are using the cry for freedom and ethnic equality to regiment people. It is understandable why Prachanda dislikes Upendra Yadav and Pasang Sherpa. When more and more people start to fathom the idea of ethnic equality and autonomy, the Maoist propaganda of fight against oppression becomes irrelevant and untenable.

Why do the Maoists who claim to stand for the people are in such haste of declaring Nepal a republican state? Why can't they wait until Constituent Assembly (CA) elections and let people decide?

The reason given by the Maoists to declare the country republic through the reinstated parliament is that the king has started his foul play. It is not anything new in the Maoists seeing foul plays. They see foul play in almost everything: ethnic protests, prime minister's stance on monarchy, and Ambassador James F Moriarty's statements. For the Maoists, if something is not in their interest, it's a foul play.






Nobody has a moral authority to stand for 27 million people and say, "here is the system that best suits you, take it." Out of many things, freedom to choose is one that keeps democracy afloat, and its absence sinks proletarian communist states.
Democracy is all about people's right to choose. Gone are the days when people were not allowed to choose. Let the Nepali citizens be the master of their destiny rather than slaves of someone else's whims. It is important to let people choose because the system that people choose will have better chances of succeeding and delivering benefits to the people.
Furthermore, people take greater interest in safeguarding the system that they choose, and not the one that is imposed upon them. They will nurture it with better care and sincerity, if they are involved in the process.

!!!!!!!

i just want you to know who i am

does he feel me somehow?

W.W.C.D?

i had a dream i stood beneath an orange sky, with my holy brother and sister standing by. i don't even know where to start. maybe that is a start, afterall.

i said, "brother, you know it's a long road we've been walking on."

i said, "sister, here is what i know.. my salvation lies in your love."

i said, "but sister, you know my heart's been broken."

sister says, "sometimes your mind is too strong to carry on."

i have been searching all of my days. many a road we've been walking on. and i've been trying to find what's been in my mind, as the days keep turning into night. we have been quietly standing in the shade. i watch as the sky breaks on the promise that we made, all this rain pouring down. many a night, i find myself with no friends standing near. i cried aloud and shook my head..

"what am i doing here all of these days?"

for i look around me, and my eyes confound me. it's just too bright, as these days keep turning into night. now i see clearly, it's you i'm looking for all of my days. so i'll smile and i'll feel this lonliness no more. for i look around me and it seems you found me. and it's coming into sight, as the days keep turning into night.

"..even breathing feels alright!"

when i am alone, when i've thrown off the weight of this crazy stone, when i've lost all care for the things i own - that is when i miss you.

"you are my home."

these things will never be known

these things take forever, i especially am slow..
i'd talk to him but i wouldn't know what to say

and even passing glances make my day

when there's nothing left to burn, you have to set yourself on fire
live through this and don't look back
i'm not sorry there's nothing left to say

when your love stands up against mine

The grass is screaming long
Midnight cars roll past
I've been chasing your room
While the summer lasts

So count it on your fingers
If we got it wrong
It's cause the days have no numbers
If we leave tonight
And we leave it all behind

It's my birthday. I am 17. And for reasons unknown, I am sad. And while copius amounts of cards and presents lay on my desk before me, I feel entirely alone.

V

what if in the future they figure out the scientific formula for love? and then they just program robots to love for people because everyone's too busy fighting alens or using their personal time-machines to hang out with gandhi or ride dinosaurs? valentines day has been made out to be this big festival for couples and lovers and spouses. (a consumerist holiday, too) which is kind of stupid when you think about all the poor single people in the world with no one to celebrate. so i'm making a stand, i'm taking this out of the hands of hallmark and soulmates and hearts and flowers and carrot gold necklaces. i'm turning this boring-blah-blah holiday into a celebration of all kinds of love. like the kind of love that exists between friends, between your cat, or between your mother. the kind of the love that makes you smile when you are sad, and dance when you are dreaming. the kind of love that makes waking up rushed, and going to bed delayed. it's really all about what makes us tick and tock and all those other things human-heart clocks seem to do. because there's a whole lot more to life than sharing your bed with someone. what about sharing your food, or your space, sharing your hopes and your dreams. so i'm declaring valentines day, national love everyone day. before the robots take over, that is. so let's love, damn it! with crazy old-fashioned human love.

lose ourselves to lose our minds

a man can be destroyed but not defeated. a man can be destroyed but not defeated. a man can be destroyed but not defeated. a man can be destroyed but not defeated. a man can be destroyed but not defeated. a man can be destroyed but not defeated. a man can be destroyed but not defeated. a man can be destroyed but not defeated. a man can be destroyed but not defeated. a man can be destroyed but not defeated. a man can be destroyed but not defeated. a man can be destroyed but not defeated. a man can be destroyed but not defeated. a man can be destroyed but not defeated. a man can be destroyed but not defeated. a man can be destroyed but not defeated. a man can be destroyed but not defeated. a man can be destroyed but not defeated. a man can be destroyed but not defeated. a man can be destroyed but not defeated. a man can be destroyed but not defeated. a man can be destroyed but not defeated. a man can be destroyed but not defeated. a man can be destroyed but not defeated. a man can be destroyed but not defeated. a man can be destroyed but not defeated. a man can be destroyed but not defeated. a man can be destroyed but not defeated. i can be destroyed but not defeated. i am destroyed but not defeated. i am destroyed but will not be defeated.

all the time we spent in bed...

miscellany on my mind. i'm doing great in my academic pursuits, contrary to last semester. which feels great, because i know my capabilities and was evidently not coming even close to meeting them. plus i have all these ambitions and goals that will never become a reality if i don't get out of highschool. i'm making a point of getting to bed earlier. there is always what you want to do, and what you should do. i've ignored the latter for what seems like forever. did you know that even though we spend 50 to 80 percent of our day listening to others, we only hear half of what is actually said and only understand 25 percent? words are so miniscule. words are so meaningless. it's not important to me to have a large amount of interpersonal contact. but to have quality and satisfying communication.

still i go to the deepest grave, where i go to sleep alone. counting miles before we said, fall in love and fall apart. things will end before they start. it is what it is.

Reach out and stick someone

stickers! 1 dollar at dollarama. endless possibilities stem from such a purchase. this sticker endeavour is one that has just begun and shall not be shore lived. im constantly thinking about what i could write next. how can i rach out about this subject? how can i touch someone? what would make someone smile? they target humankind. what if the sticker is just what the viewer needed to see on exactly the day they saw it? it gets me going about fate and destiny. and chance. and goodness. and about movements and revolutions. hence why, conclusively, i am in love with these cheap, blank stickers. they are wholesome. and waiting in dollarama for people who would agree with a statement of that sort, to be filled - with love and all around goodness. reach out and stick someone :)

a sefira inside of which another sefria dimensions being smaller, can be fitted. our worled exists in a place. if we were to remove absolutely everything from the universe, everything contained in the universe, the place would be left remaining.
it's said this is simply a void that can't be measured since it's located in other dimensions. along with our world, there does exist spritual worlds impossible to perceive/feel because they refer to other dimensions.

the most harmless perception about creation is to perceive ourselves existing in the most perfect final state, because that is the only thing created by the creator, the only one in which we exist. it's only for us that the perception is the final state, as though were on initial state and an intermediate state. actually, it's the only existing condition. that is, when the creator conceived to create creations, his idea is instantly became action.

i'm quitting smoking. by using that tense i mean i am in the middle of the act of doing so. i haven't had a cigarette since yesterday, i know, i know, big deal. but one day will turn into one, will turn into two, will be months down the road. these are my intentions. these are hard to follow through with. because when i go without for long enough, i develop massive headaches. but i musn't rely on these chemicals to feel at ease. life is beautiful. especially being rid of this filthy habit.

i don't know where i've been for the past 5 months. but here i am again. i need to start doing that which make me happy. i've realized that i'm the only one who is to blame for my unhappiness. i haven't been sleeping properly, eating properly, going to school like i should, living like i should - period. i've been neglecting things that are important to me like my studies and i've been dwelling in god damn heartache for far too long. i feel like a new person. i'm beginning to make a conscious effort.. so that in due time, these simple things will become the subconscious and a part of me once again. when people run in circles, its a very, very mad world. but my path isn't leading around and around like that anymore. i'm back on the path. the white flowers are blooming as i take every step. i don't see the little boy when i make it through the opening anymore. i see me - every part of me through the tall grass playing with that white elephant.

Maybe we should stop trying to perceive forever in an amount of time because time for everyone is experienced differently. We like to think in units, not personal experience. So why not think of forever in an amount of space? One centimetre is the same to everyone that learns what it is, and yet is enough space to hold any amount of infinity to something that is infinitely small. Maybe there's a reason no one has ever seen an atom or subatomic particle. Maybe it's because they're small enough to disappear and yet, when grouped together, large enough to fill an entire room. Forever is not any amount of time, because no one can perceive it as such. However, everyone can perceive an unlimited amount of space to fill because that is how the human mind works. There is no limit to any length we're willingly to go, despite any repercussions that occur. We will never run out of space because we take up so little, and know we do. Infinity is the unit of measurement every human is born with: large enough to fill a room, but tiny enough to simply disappear.

it is what it is :) it feels so liberating to have so much faith in that. why is it that we invest such faith into our own doubts? it's a funny sort of way of having things work out.

you must come, come to joy
turn your head to the the sun
its down to you
you can shine
you can shake all that sorrow from your heart
its all down to you
if you dare to come, come
come to joy

elephant shoe

ek het jou lief
te dua
ana behibak
m'bi fe
yes kez sirumen
ya tabe kahayu
nahigugma ako kanimo

okay, sam. okay. okay. okay. and let me repeat, do you know where we are?

it's like picking a scab and having it bleed all over again.

nwodedispuuoyeesyllaeriuoyeesinehwdna, but my brain knows better, it picks you up and turns you around

"i didn't give it my all and i'm sorry" did you ever even love me? i'm a joke? i feel like you saying you ever loved me was a joke? i feel like everything i felt was so real, was just a joke to you.

i've been doing this project for my world religion's class on the life of jesus. the 3 other group memebers are really very devout christians. at first, i felt very hesitant to even be in the group, i felt like all the information i was taking in was not only being taught but shoved down my throat. but as we progressed, i became more open to their ideas and concepts and overall faith. last night, we spent a lot of time going over material at brad's house. he comes from a very strong christian based home and i felt so much warmth entering his home. it made me miss the wholesome feelings that come along with having a real home. i never really feel like i'm at home here. i sit on the cough and get as comfy as i can, but i never feel at home.

your hair was wild, your eyes were red
you were in a rage
you were swinging your guitar around
cause they wanted to hear that sound
that you didn't want to play
i don't blame you

Sometimes life's okay

........... I wish that I could make this all go away for you and I wish more than anything that I could bring you back here, but I really don't think you could go back to just being a kid again. I think it is what you need but I know its not what you want. You have to grow up too fast to be on your own like this. I know, I did it. I really wish I hadn't screwed up your life. If it was just you and me it would be okay but Tony well...... he's another story. And Ron ...... well I don't know what to do. I am soooo sorry about all of this . Just know that I love you and believe."


She told me I shouldn't write back to her because Ron snoops around in her inbox. She said it's not him being nosey, but rather him being "Ron". Well I guess he's just nosey than. But we already knew that. So after much else said in this particular e-mail she sent me, I began to get this funny feeling in my stomach. My mother is my best friend. She literally is. I'm so blessed to have her. So so blessed. Just her presence sheds so much light. I was really down and out of it tonight, and sure enough, she was over with chocolate, cigarettes and more comfort than anyone could offer me. I cry a good cry - one out of relief. She didn't ruin my life. She's exposed me, she's been there for me, she's as selfless as one in her position could be. I'd be nowhere without her. I'm just overflowing with the love I have for her right now. I'm my mum's little girl, through and through.

grey light new day leaks through the window

This is the state of our generation, where material abundance gives rise to a sensation of spiritual hunger. We start searching for other sources of fulfillment, often choosing a long and prickly path. Freedom of will exists between the paths of spiritual ascent and the path of suffering. One can only wish that people will “choose life” instead of embarking on the path of suffering, the same path upon which we so often treaded in the past.

"i hate to say it, but there are invisible, steel, wool strings that i just cannot cut. oh, i assure you i've tried, though i haven't given up on attempting/succeeding. my heart is not with me, so i can't possibly give it to another, when it's not even intact for me to do so. does this all make sense? i've put it into a logical sense, and i don't know that i should dab into the emotions that is a branch of which. i gave all my loving one day. and i can't let you wrap your arms around that."

"this is confusion, and pretty deep.. i really don't know what to say"

GIFT OF WONDER
CIRCUS MEMORIES
PUPPETMASTER
ILLUSION OF CHANGE
BOTTLE OF BARE IMBRIUM
THE LETTER
THE JUGGLER
HOPE
SWAN LAKE
LEDA'S DAUGHTER
WATER MUSIC
THE MAGICIAN'S DAUGHTER

January through December, lit up, 1 through 12.

hair like a windmill, eyes just like dandelions. my summertime. it's just a matter of a time. and the sound of his voice still gives me butterflies. so sing me to sleep tonight. skin like a sunset, eyes just like forest fires, behind him his mind. he's a creator, he can inspire. he can redeem a heart that's been sent to exile. and the thought of that he laid beside me still gives me butterflies. so i'll hold those in my sleep tonight. so cold beneath these sheets, my body hides. and in this moment, i understand. you were the reason i empathize the meaning of beautiful. i never knew beautiful until i knew you. grace like an angel, eyes that can paralyze. i think it's time you see... you are the reason i breathe.

Turn down the heat: Global Warming

Almost everyday the news contains reports about global warming. We hear about the millions of cars on the road, releasing carbon dioxide and smog causing pollutants. How and when do we end our relliance on coal-fired electricity generation, the single largest source of greenhouse gases. Deforestation is happening here there and everywhere, depleting the planet's natural ability to regulate the climate.

Human activity has a huuuuge impact on the world's climate.
Pollutants that trap heat in the atmosphere are causing changes to global climate. The average global temperature has rose by 0.7 degrees celsius since the Industrial Revolution. They say its something like the fatest rate of warming the world has seen in the past like... 10, 000 years!
It's been agreed by the science community that if that global temperature rises by 2.0 degrees celsius above pre-industrial levels, that there will be irreversible damage done to our planet. Even though there's some action being taken to reduce greenhouse gas emissions, we're well on our way to that mark. They say by 2050. And will we will continue to exceed this dangerous threshold unless dramatic actions are taken.
Some impacts that have been either predicted or are already upon us are such things as: melting ice caps, rising sea levels, disrupted occean currents, drier droughts, more frequent floods and hurricanes, wider spread of tropical diseases, and food shortages. As it increases, its effects are being felt from the very tip of the highest mountains to deep in the oceans, and from the Equator to the poles. People are at risk. Nature and species are at risk.
People. The heatwave in August of 2003 in Europe was the hottest in 500 years. It killed close to 40, 000 people. Weather invents due to global warming, are more intense and last longer, being more frequent aswell. Not to mention that millions of people around the world live only one metre above sea level. If the heat of global warming melts the Arctic and Antartica ice sheets.... sea levels could rise to nearly 7 metres. Some some islands face complete obliteration. Not to mention that in burning coil and oil, together with high temperatures, more urban smog is becoming more intense and resulting in asthma and other horrible respiratory problems.
Nature. It's been revealed that climate change could potentially result in extinction of more than a million! terrestial species within the next 50 years. Polar bears for example, could become extinct within the next 100 years, due to their natural habitat virtually disappearing. Coral reefs are being damaged by unususally warm ocean temperatures and a decline in them results in fish, sponges, turtles, etc. lacking habitats, and eliminating the livlihood of billions of people. 1/3 of our forests are at risk, aswell as their inhabitants that depend on forests for their survival.
WWF-Canada is working with many stakeholders including government, corporations and individuals to decrease greenhouse gas emissions and ensure the effects of climate change are as minimal as possible.
There are even simple tips any person could easily follow to save energy. Simple changed can make a big difference. Recycle - cardboard, plastic, glass, cardboard and newspapers, 100% of it! Adjust your thermostat - 1 degree celsius down in the winter, and 1 up in the summer. You'll lower your utility bills and reduce gas emissions. If you're not using it, turn it off - Tvs, Dvds, stereos, computers, and lights. Simple, right? Even in standby, atleast 10 to 60 percent of energy is used. If I left my computer on for the whole night tonight, it would produce enough energy to print over 5, 000 copies. Wash economically. Dishwasher not full, don't use it until it is. Same with the laundry. Save even more by trying not to use hot water when washing clothes. Fluorescent bulbs are an idea aswell! Plug up the leaks, that's another. Be garden smart, don't use synthetic fertilizers. Set your hot water stat at 50 degrees C . Don't leave your fridge open for longer than necessary, let food coold down before putting it in the fridge. Where possible, dont stand an oven and fridge/freezer next to each other. See, all these listed above are quite simple actions to take. Bear them in mind, they're all steps forward to fighting this together!