i always heard that your entire life flashes before your eyes the second before you die. last night my second stretched out forever, like an ocean of time. i saw the stars in the middle of the night during brown owl campfires in 2nd grade. i saw yellow leaves from the maple trees that lined our old street. and my grandmothers hands and the way her skin seemed like paper. and the first time i ever saw his smile... ...

there is an understanding between people, i believe - an unwritten consent. i know it's there, though am unsure as to what it says, or what it even means. but it is felt internally. the more i feel it, the more i try to comprehend it's way. i as a human possess the the incredible capacity to feel. to hurt. to lie. and love.

i look back, the past 2 years having blended themselves almost entirely. sometimes i try to sort out one day from the next, but am always left with an uninteruptted flow of what i've come to know as reality, turned into what are now memories. i am left with a hazy pulp of rhetoric and unanswered questions, all stemming from my ridiculous affinity for affection.

i've never understood why my love has been so destructive.

i feel this inexplicable nostalgia. without knowing who, or what i miss, i sit here at my desk and wonder how much my life can handle. a cycle of losing, gaining, faces and recollections of things i've lost long ago, covered by that which awaits to take the other's places.

"it's like my heart is broken into so many tiny pieces, they could fit through the eye of a needle.. it's like this hole in your chest, that not any amalgamation of things could ever fill, could ever set at ease, could ever repair." i said this after he passed away. it is mind blowing how death can change you.

but it's hard to stay mad when there's so much beauty in the world. sometimes i feel like i'm seeing it all at once, and it's all too much to even bear.. my heart fills up like a balloon and could burst. and than i remember to relax and stop trying to hold on to it. than it flows through me like rain and i cant feel anything...

but gratitude.