no tomorrow, 2000

Diamonds. Small pieces of carbon with no great intrinsic value had been causing widespread death, destruction, and misery for almost a decade by 2000 in the small West African country of Sierra Leone.
In the 60's and 70's, a really weak post-independence democracy was taken over by state-sponsored corruption. The economy declined and the rule of the military than followed. The rebellion that began in 91 could be characterized by banditry and horrific brutality, primarily wreaked on civilians. The war claimed over 75 thousand! lives, causing half a million of Sierra Leoneans to become refugees, and displaced half of the countries 4.5 million people.
The point of the war might not have been to win, but to engage in crimes being profitable under the cover of warface. Organized crime over the years began to influence the informal mining of diamonds which was mainly dominated by what people would call "disorganized crime". Transcontinental smuggling not just of diamonds, but of other horrible things such as guns, drugs and disgusting sums of money were an influence aswell. Violence was becoming central to the advancement of those with vested interests.
Now De Beers, until the 80's, was directly involved in Sierra Leone. De Beers had concessions to mine diamonds off the shore and maintained a buying office in town. Ever after that time, the relationship had been indirect. De Beers ran a diamond trading company through Liberia and an office in Guinea. Both countries didn't even produce a lot of diamonds. Liberia was known to be a transit country for smuggling diamonds. It's through it's companies and buying offices in the West of Africa, in their attempt to mop up supplies throughout the world, that the company was purchasing diamonds, in one way or another, that had been smuggled out of Sierra Leone.
The first Sierra Leone diamond was found in 1930. The production of top quality gem diamonds began in 1935. Siaka Stevens became Prime Minister 7 years after independence in 1968. He was a populist and quickly turned diamonds into a political issue. He encouraged illicit mining and even became involved in criminal activities. In 71, he created the National Diamond Mining Company. All decisions were made by Stevens and his right hand man, some Lebanese character.
From the late 70s to early 90s, aspects of Lebanon's civil war were played out in miniature in Sierra Leone. The country's diamonds became an important informal tax base and the Lebanese sought finanical assistance from the country. The right hand Lebanese bloke was sent into exile after a failed coup attempt. This opened doors for many Israeli "investors" and Russian and American crime families, with dirty ties.
In 1991, the Revolutionary United Front (RUF) rebel began. A military government took over - the National Provisional Ruling Council (NPRC). Despite change, RUF attacks still continued. Liberia just acted as a banker, as a a trainer, a mentor to the RUF. Pft.
By the end of the 90's, Liberia had become a major centre for massive diamond-related criminal activity. In return for weapons, it provided RUF with an outlet for diamonds and had done the same for other diamond producing countries, providing a safe haven for organized criminal acts and fuelling war.

i'm tired, to be continued.

there's thing i can't justify

at first i missed you like i'd miss sight or taste or hearing - you were an extra sense for me. i felt like i'd been blinded. goodbye's too gooda' word, baby. so i'll just say farewell and keep on moving.

my body breaks and my body is fine. i'm open to yours and i'm open to mine. my body aches the ache takes it's time, but you'll get over yours and i'll get over mine. and the sun will shine. and the moon will rise. my body calls. it calls out, it whispers at first, but it ends with a shout. my body burns, it burns strong until mine is with yours, than mine will burn on. my flesh sings out. it sings "honey come put me out." my body sways like the wind on a swing. a bridge through a hoop, or a lake through a ring. my body stays and than my body moves on. and i'd really rather not dwell on when yours will be gone. within the dark, there is a shine. one tiny spark, thats yours and mine.

malcolm is cuddled in his favourite sweater, that has become my favourite aswell, and not only for sentimental reasons but for plain old comfort. the months of this past year are neatly pinned on my wall. with each picture, i remember each month. i remember. i put away everything else that reminded me. in a box, in my closet. nothing's closure enough because sometimes i doubt i'll ever be able to get closure, but hey.. it was a step. forwards, backwards, which way i don't know, but atleast i'm not standing still.

(M)ilk and (H)oney

i had a dream about you that woke me. it's 4a.m and these are the words running around in my head, dying to get out.

will the change come while we're waiting? make me a witness, take me out of darkness, out of doubt. will we burn in heaven? like we do down here? everyone is waiting. will mercy be revealed or blind us where we stand? everyone is waiting. i swear i feel you breathe. like you're lying next to me. if you've really set me free, tell me why you're haunting me. something's in the air that i can't see.

i tell myself to hold on. "hold on to yourself, for this is going to hurt like hell, you know that only time will tell" what is it in me that refuses to believe this isn't better than the real thing? i lie awake and pray that you'll be strong and together we'll see another day. and we will praise it. and i love the light that brings a smile across your face. "hold on, hold on to yourself, for this is going to hurt like hell" there's nothing i'd like better than to fall.

you speak to me in riddles, you speak to me in rhyme. i ache to breathe your breath. your words keep me alive. memories trapped in time. and i have the sense to recognize that i don't know how to let you go. every moment marked with apparitions of your soul. i'm ever swiftly moving trying to escape this desire, this yearning to be near you. i do what i have to do. broken by the rules of love, fate has led us through it, but i don't know how to let you go.

and all i feel is black and white.
and i'm wound up so small and tight.
and i don't know WHO i am.

unravel me, untie this chord, the very center of our union is caving in. i am the archive of our failure. i push it back to get through each day.

ok, so the winter is here, and i feel cold and bitter. it's chilled me to the bone. i feel like i haven't seen the sun in weeks, like i'm too long, too far from home. i feel just like i'm sinking and i'm crawling for solid ground. pulled down from the undertow, i never thought i could feel so low. and oh darkness, i just feel like letting go. if all of the strength and all of the courage, come and lift me from this place, i know i can love you much better than this, full of grace, my love. it's just that we stayed too long in the same old sickly skin.

well, that's a nice save :) how right could you get? the middle line. balance and being whole, heading up it, where you're supposed to be.

i don't know what i want.

i'm dreaming of a white christmas..

...just like the ones i used to know. there's the understanding that it is just another day, that most of us don't celebrate the true meaning of, nor celebrate at all, but instead just use as an excuse to burn holes in our pockets. there is still the feeling that it is a time to be spent with others, particularly loved ones. so even though i don't feel the christmas spirit, even though there's no white christmas jingling through my head like every other year and even though i could care less about getting presents, i can't help but feel a little empty because it seems my christmas shall be spent alone. do i make the effort to go to my mother's? to be shot at with accusatory nonsense? to be the one to calm my mother because yet again she'll be playing the monkey in the middle? my brother will be stoned or burned out and therefore, in a haze, as per usual. i don't want to hear about how kabbalah is bullshit. i don't want to hear about mark. i don't want to hear about how i'm not an adult. i make my own decisions and i stepped up to the plate, and tried with all my might to do something to make everyone else happy, and it just resulted in a hole of mine. i am able to see it from both sides, so even if what he says, what he believes doesn't make sense on a personal level to me, i can understand how it may apply to him, and his beliefs. all he ever does is bust out his papers. do i try and go to dinner and have all this bs go through my head? i'd be leaving anyways, whether it would be on a good note or not. i almost want to spend it alone, because than i atleast have the certainty that i won't feel a bunch of commotion, maybe lonliness but lately i haven't been spending enough quality time with myself. my mind's all over the place right now, i'm going back to lay down and read.

That was one of the hardest things I've ever done. Gulping them down, I held back tears and almost choked on my drink. I'm scared, I don't want to feel this way alone.

Moyamoyamoyamoyamoya

Last night was great, all my friends get along so very well and I was happy to see so many shining, smiling faces. You could feel the love filling each room.







But things are more complicated than they seem. The four APO-250's sit on my desk next to this keyboard, my phone being next to them. 6 letters on the screen, blinking, blinking, blinking. Send. Your conversation sits on the bottom of the screen and I sit waiting, wishing for it to blink orange. I wish I could see the sun right now like you can. I have to take these, but I know I will vomit. Vomit or slowly kill yourself? I know I'd rather vomit, but I'm scared because I'm alone in this. People don't ask for such things. I mean perhaps there are ways to ask, but when you get to the bottom of everything, that is never the case. I dread this because I know of the symptoms. We know of so many symptoms yet continue on, we choose to do so. No reply. No reply. I'm running downstairs to fill up on milk. I'm scared. I miss being held, but not just being held, but being held and knowing with all my heart, that was my home. I associate it with Mark seeing as he's been the only person in my life thus far who I've felt anything truly, truly, truly real for. That makes me miss him. I remember when we fought at Caitlin's because he didn't want me to stay with him and get in trouble again. We fought and I argued and I cried and afterwards, he held me and gave me assurance. Everyday is different. I never count on myself to feel the same way I do tomorrow, or even in a few short hours. There are only a few things I know are concrete. They're worth holding on to. I've got that sick feeling you get in your stomach when the rollercoaster has travelled up, and is just heading down a steep track. Where your stomach flies above your head. I suppose that's similar to this, i've hit a low. I wish I could see the sun like you can right now. That means it would be morning, and that this night would end.

my mum just walked over with the dog because she was nice enough to buy me smokes and even stop by for them. dale is upstairs talking to her. my friends just came over for lunch and we smoked up. and the bong is sitting on the table. i don't like associating such things with my mother and i feel horrible about it right now. it's funny because mark and i were talking this morning about smoking and being paranoid opposed to how we used to be. i don't think i've ever recorded a paranoia trip, but my heart is beating far too fast. i think it just goes to show that i do want to be responsible, and that in many senses, i am. dale's coming...

Marriott Hotels & Resorts

Not 1999, or 2000, but 2006. Time flies. Things I thought were important aren't nearly as significant and life has and will continue to keep moving on. I am grateful to have been so.. keen? as to have written my thoughts down on paper and stored away on this database. Analysing my states in such a way has been, I think, fairly beneficial to my overall health. It was Caitlin's birthday yesterday, the big 18. :) Today I'm having a party for her. It just dawned on me that everyone will be back together, a huge bit of summer rekindled. Last night I sat infront of this screen, shaking my feet, bobbing my head, surging with anticipation and antsy feelings whilst typing. I haven't felt that antsy in a long time. I remember sitting at the bus station waiting, breathing becoming a foreign task. There is a lot less stress in my life, or is it just that it's the same but i've learned how to cope? We've all gone on such different routes since September, yet tonight here most of us shall be. This room is filled with the aromas of summer. And this time it's not bittersweet, it's just god damn exciting :) Malcolm <3 is sitting on my shoulder as I sit and write this. I think he's mesmerized by the sound of the keys. I'm typing fast enough. He feels warm with me - I rub my cheek against his cute, little, furry face and he purrs automatically. My baby boy. Yesterday Andrea said she couldn't find him, and my heart started pounding out of my chest. All I could think as I scrambled around for him, was of the image of him on the street, hurt. I suppose that's how our parents feel when we're late, when we leave them in the dark. I'm losing track of where I was..... Tonight shall not be a blast to the past, but a step forward, into the new year, with friends new and old. We take our past wherever we go. I'm glad to have all these wonderful parts of me still around. I love my friends and I love that recently I have made peace with things that had gone unsettled. No drama, no worries, smiles all around. My antsy feelings also made me think of Mark. Maybe I needed him to leave the country in order to get over him. I say this and for me, not him: All things from the C, and not for any selfish reason, or atleast that is my intention, which matters. They are in what truly feels, to be the right place. It's a tingly feeling. If he were still here, maybe I'd be crying right now, maybe I would have allowed myself to have my heart broken even more so. I took so much out of our relationship and I am forever grateful and glad we were together when we were, but we are no more with the ways I once would fall to the ground to have back. I repeat this in my head as I type it, a million times over. *Click* I do hold on, but in different ways now. And my love will always run thick, and strong, unable to ever really have it cut off. So long as you know who knows that I will always be here for him. But for now.. my feet are on the ground (well, okay... maybe only one), my head in the cloud, my eyes set on the moon, my arms encompassing, embracing the earth. This feeling can be described with one word: whole.
How you gun' win when you ain't right within? :)

i know i am capable of loving with more of myself now, loving on a more unconditional level. as i have grown throughout past relationships, i have endured ups and downs, as anyone would. i have made mistakes aswell as made some really great decisions that have bettered and furthered myself. and it's only in my present state that i can understand my past. i look back and everything seems clear. my wrongs, my mistakes. we all make them. i've learned to forgive myself. and in doing so, in being able to still have faith in myself throughout so much detriment to my being and perhaps others in the process, in being able to still forgive and love myself, i am able to feel that exact way for others. i am ready to accept someone fully. i am ready to be there through another's faults, to stand tall beside another, to truly love with all i've got so far. its true the saying, your true first and last love: self love. we're not too halves making a whole, we're two wholes, merging, linking our chains.

from afar, she thinks they look to be blue.

she'll get back to her.

Let's go back to the start

honey, you are a rock upon which i stand. i come here to talk. i hope you understand. ______ eyes, you're the spotlight, it shines upon you. and how could anybody deny you? i came here with a low, but it feels so much lighter now i met you. and honey, you should know i could never go on without you. _____ eyes :) honey, you are the sea upon which i float. and i came here to talk. i think you should know. _____ eyes, you're the one that i wanted to find. and anyone who tried to deny you must be out of their mind. it feels so much lighter since i met you.

( i was scared, tired and underprepared. how long must you wait for it? how long must you pay for it? i lost my head in thought of all the stupid things we said. i started looking for excuses. spider webs, i got caught in the middle. i started looking for a warning sign. i turned to run, in thought of all the stupid things i'd done. )

i look out my window to the silhouette of trees, stretched out as far as my eye can take me. above is an explosive strip of electric pink clouds - soft as they merge with the silhouette, the sunrise bursting through the top, making way to clouds, blue sky peeking through. it's beautiful. it's beautiful and i feel beautiful and god damn, nothing shall bring me down from my explosion in the sky, explosion in my heart.

The truth is... i'm tired, and feel so alive.
The truth is... i'm learning to love myself.


A RUSH OF BLOOD TO THE HEAD!!!

Nobody said it was easy. I'm going back to the start. Goodbye.

"I've got no armour left. You can come and go as you please."

"I have faith in you, Samantha."

"Can we just wait a while?"

"With the money from your christmas gift, I'm buying a lethal amount of alcohol."

"Nobody realizes how close we really are."

"When did the sprouting of your balls begin?"

"That cardboard cow, you know the cow.... that moos, and when you open him....you ....win"

"Just poke him - he's so friendly"

my mom and i embraced last night after a long conversation. she told me my eyes always looked sad. she's the only one who notices my eyes. if you really look at them, you'll see inside and not right through.

My heart is broken in to such small pieces they could fit through the eye of a needle.

drove past your door.. but you don't live there anymore. it's here since you've been there, but now you've disappeared somewhere. you've got a place, you've found a better place. and i miss you.
like the deserts miss the rain.

cigarettes and chocolate milk...

it's 4 oclock in the morning. alyssa just came home, intoxicated out of her mind, with his phone. i've never seen someone with such low moral standards, with such low self-respect, with such a problem. in one ear, out the next. i'm not even 17, i shouldn't be living on my own for one, but dealing with this? i suppose it all comes with the package. all 5 of us have showed compassion and understanding to such great extents for this girl, we've put ourselves out on too many limbs. there's a point where you draw a line, we have to live our lives. we are here to further ourselves. a learning experience, of course of course, but this is some unnecessary bullshit that no one should go through.

i sAw you standing alone in the eL-2ectrostatic rain

the destruction we've battled through is beautiful. here, this is for you.

as you toss, through those lonely nights, just know there's someone thinking of you. everyone is waiting for the timing to be right. and we hope it's coming soon. so just rest your eyes and than you'll be in love again. we talk and the moon was bright. your words were blowing as they drifted out of sight. now the change of the seasons sets in. nothing, nothing feels just right. we fear these nights and than we compromise, but morning always comes. so just rest your eyes, and than you'll be in love again.

there's things i can't justify

beneath these sheets of paper, lies my truth..

i hurt, ache. the sunshine is peeking through my blinds. it snowed, i can see the drips reflecting on my wall. and i think of all i've done, all we've done, all we've been, where we've been, who we've been. i am not satisfied, nor am i happy. letting go of you is the hardest thing i've ever done. where does the brain compare with the heart? i have fallen down, but at the same time, am picking myself back up. the light is pouring in, filling my room with goodly sunshine. the truth is that i'm sorry. that i'm righting my wrongs. that i'm looking up, and not down. and that i'm soaking this all in, and not letting it pass my by or slip out of my grasp. i respect myself, but here comes the saying, actions speak louder than words. i need to stop talking, and start acting, have those connect. i know this is a step i'm about to make, i know it's a baby step, that i'm practically crawling, but i know i am on my way. i have come to terms with myself, and that is something - forgiveness of self. but now i need to know that i can be set free. i need to feel the Creator, his shove away from him only to make my way back stronger, wiser, more pure. and i need your forgiveness, because you are ever so important to me.