there's things i can't justify

what is our life for, life that costs us so much, with its significant pleasures, when the absence of sufferings is perceived as happiness?



we have no clue where this will lead us.


i want to see the beauty in this.
because of that, there is so much.

is that what you call a getaway?

I'LL TELL YOU WHAT I GOT AWAY WITH.

i won't mind...

flames and smoke climbed out of every window
and disappeared with everything that i held dear
i shed not a single tear
for the things that i didn't need
because i knew.
i knew i was finally free.

because all i can see is where else i can be when i'm at home.
and there on the street, there are so many possibilities to not be alone.


it's like i suddenly realized you were walking up every step with me, holding my hand, turning me to hold a gaze every minute you could. you reached the floor, not that it looked different, but i think you knew i knew it was time. we opened the window, and looked outside. hm, it stopped snowing. so this is it, huh? he'll be letting me go, and he'll burn inside. why is he even here in the first place? you pull me into you, than.. and kiss me hard, that familiar taste settling on my lips once again. i than realize why you exist along side me. i get you, you get me. we just get it. you take your leap of faith. and stare up at me, as i hardly hesitate and without any rational thinking, make mine. free. free. you could run any which way, but you grab my hand, and hold it tight. it begins to rain. rain in february. you hate it, i love it. but we still smile, and continue along, in absolutely no direction whatsoever. we'll skip along the sidewalks until we find our way.


and i know maybe your heart belongs to someone you've already met.
but one day you will be loved.
you'll jump out that window.
and nothing will be as clear as that moment.

i sit here at my desk, instead of getting ready for school, staring at the loading screen.. in pure anticipation. :)

i can't believe you, haha.
even the thought is beautiful.

poetic tragedy.
perhaps my favourite song from an old favourite, the used.

i really thought that particular blog made me look.. completely desperate.
i'm going to be honest, and tell you i was drunk, i don't know if you noticed i included that in there.
but it was the most rational thinking i've done in a long time. i just felt entirely useless, but i knew it wasn't a lie. so it oddly found comfort in that.

i really do not try to be anything for anyone. i don't believe people when they say i mean something to them, because i don't understand how i can be so meaningful to another when i mean nothing to myself. if i don't even understand myself, my thoughts, my actions, my feelings.. than how can anyone else appreciate them? i don't even know if i'm real.

i don't know what turned me into this hating machine, i give credit to many events. but i know i do want to get through this.

i figure it's happening for a reason. i strongly believe everything happens for a reason.
this conversation, for instance.

please share with me what your idea is. i'm very curious.

i'm not sure what you mean.

terrifying hope is what you just gave me.


i want to feel my soul inside of me.
i want to feel so alive.
complete, like you said.



i want to know you.

to whom it may concern

anonymous-comment.
who are you?

please.

Fearlessness is a delicate virtue, its hard to keep being honest with people when rejection is constantly eating away at my courage. With every persons eyes that meet mine, i felt as if they know exactly who I am and how alone I am. I don't mean to be dramatic, from what I understand youve delt with alot of that so I wish I could spare you this but its not like I have anyone else to tell. I understand completly if you dont want to see me or talk to me, I would just really like to know what it is that I do to drive people so far away. Even if you never talk to me again I hope you could at least find some way to let me know whats wrong with me. I wish I were a machine, so I could just fix all the glitches and rid myself of a concience. Sometimes it feels as though all people are just machines that I dont understand. I feel like my heart is an uncontrollable compassion contraption, with no logic behind any of its order of actions. It just seems to be magnetic, pulling me towards all the cold sharp steely people that dont want me around. I know this is pathetic, I know that I'm drunk. These thoughts have to go somewhere, though, or they will ferment and gather strength. Far too often I become inebriated with sadness and it makes life seem sleepy. I'm not sure how all this sounds to you, please do not misjudge and take it as a cry for attention, far from it. I know this letter is scattered but I can't think of a logical way to fit this all together. Its like so much sadness is soaring throagh my head like a thousand little springs of sorrow. I have alot to offer, I dont know what it is that im supposed to be looking for to bring me happiness but I know that I need some sort of acceptance, some sort of embrace. I dont care in what form, I just need somebody to talk to me and really listen. I'm thinking of getting some professional help because nobody wants to listen for free. Thats all I can think to say right now, I wish I could be more dignified but this routine is getting old and its embarrasing. I'm tired of rejection and I can't stand the way I feel right now.

February 18th

all eyes on the calendar
another year i claim of total indifference to
here the days pile up with decisions to be made

and with these drinks i plan to collapse and forget this wasted year
these wasted years
devoted friends, they disappear
some decisions you don't make i guess

it's like breathing and not wanting to
there are some things that you can't fake
i guess that it is typical to cling to memories you'll never get back again
and to sort through old photographs of a summer long ago
or a friend that you used to know
and there, below his frozen face
you wrote the name and that ancient date
and you can't believe he is really gone
when all that's left is a fucking song

he is beautiful

the days before and around the inevitable, seemed to be days without hours and minutes, all of it just a flow of time that made every moment seem exactly like the moment before and the moment after. i remember. i just kept my face forward, my eyes fixed on my own thoughts, holding tightly to his hand. he, who seemed to move in and out of consciousness. gripping in my other hand, a picture of you, and a flower i would keep forever. the moment that i dreaded the most, came and none of it ever hit me; seeing you, so peaceful, so helpless. i could have sworn you were wearing that right sided smirk you always gave me. tears cascaded out of my tired, bloodshot eyes, and rolled down my expressionless face. nothing made sense. the people around me blurred as i lost all control. the ceiling began to cave in. or was it my heart? all i knew, was that you were gone. and i was nothing. meaningless. my past.. i could not share with any other. years gone to nothing. years for many more of hurting.
and today.. i have accepted that.
i tucked you away, deep within my heart.
so from now on, you live in my heart.
in my smile.
and in my tears shed.

today i felt you reach out your hand to me.
you said, "i see what you see, sam.
i feel what you feel. grab my hand, dammit.
you look so little down there, in the corner there.
come on, i can't stay like this for long."

with eyes that burn so bright
so bright, they make me pure
burning so bright, and pure
they make me pure

i need something i want to be close to
and i scream, but i still don't know why i do it
because the sound never stays it just swells and decays
so what is the point?
why try to fight what is now so certain?
the truth is all that i am is a passing event that will be forgotten

compassionate contraption

i suppose even the things i want the most from this life, won't ever come to me. it's like happiness is one, big tease. a taste, and it's gone. one big fucking tease. happiness. to be let down each and every time. terrifying hope. pick us up off the floor? i tried. i tried. and i'm trying. i'm stuck down here under the current. i can feel it pulling me in and under. it's got a hold of me. you know down there, it's dark. and life is useless. i'm convinced i have no meaning. whether i do something meaningful or not.. it means nothing in reality. because in due time, i will be nothing to this world, and to the people on it.
so push me, pull me, throw me around.
none of this matters to anyone or anything.

-i can't exist alone-

All of this world
I have hungered

But nothing here

can quench my thirst

if bedroom walls could talk. i wonder what they would say about you.

bsfklsfkljsdf

"your call has been forwarded to an automatic voice mailing system..."


just a flat line.
no answer.
not you.

*so come on courage*

i don't want to lose.

teach me to be shy..

it's not hard to fall.
and i don't want to scare him.
and i know that i just.
don't know.




i didn't just care.
let's play pretend.

- love taught me to lie -

step a little closer each day...

all this has been such a mystery to me for so many years. and i feel like, by going through with this, finally putting forth that effort, i could discover so much more in myself. a family. where i come from. a sense of belonging to... more than this, this... nothingness. it's hard to really say what's going to come of this. but bye taking this step together, i already feel as though i'm closer to this which i've wanted for so longingly. to belong. how real, i don't know. but something. more than nothing. something that is mine. ours. our own mess. our own, disfunctional mess.

..so close, that i can't see what's going on.

who will save my soul?

i don't get enough sleep...

am i the only one who has opened my eyes to what's going on around us?

dig deeper and you will see.
there's so much more to this life.
than what we seem to have discovered.

with these hands, as my home.
with these broken hands, i will fix.

in the end, only kindness matters.

i can't just keep to myself like this.
by reaching out, i know i can reach a new level of self.

and it feels amazing.
amazing.

everybody's just a stranger.

i miss the smell of the summer air.
i miss the excitement of waking up everyday to the sounds of the lake.
i miss missing the bus everyday to nl.
i miss belting it out to sheryl crow in your bright kitchen.
i miss staring at the stars at night.
i miss pencil crayons and colouring books.
i miss how happy i was listening to jewel.
i can't be happy listening to her anymore.
it's impossible without you.
without being there.
i miss our king.

i miss everything about who we are together.
i miss the real me you bring out in my scared self.

i fucking miss you.

oh, fate you are a funny man.

you can't be saved unless you want to be.

you deserve to feel amazing.
and i'm sorry you can't find your happiness.
i'm sorry you're lost.
and i'm sorry i never know what to say.
because you fascinate me.
you're wise beyond your years.

girl should realize, boy.
girl is the one who is lost if she can't see.

all these people drinking lover's spit...

i wish i could esacape all this fake that everyone i meet seems to let consume who they could be.
i always get myself into these positions, always. i either.. don't think and find myself crying myself to sleep in your bed, with you, beside me, not a care in the world. or i become comfortable and acceptant of the thought of me opening up who i really am to someone else, to be shut down. to be thrown away, like an old toy. yeah, throw me, baby. i'm not coming back.

start again....

my eyes are open, and everything still moves in slow motion.

you thought about me. you thought about me. maybe i do mean something.
maybe i'm more than nothing. but even so. i'm not a toy. and you toyed with me. my heart. my feelings. my being, my existence. i feel as though. as though i'm weak. i don't speak my mind. and my fists are constantly clenched, closed tight. i let you do this to me. i let you do this to me, and in turn i did this to myself. i know the grass is greener on the other side. i know there is another side, i've seen it, i've been there, atleast i think. i just don't understand why i feel it's impossible to make it there.
i wish i could just lock away my past, in a basement. and throw away the key. because i don't want to share it with anyone. i don't want to dwell any longer. i don't even want to know it's there. what basement? i just want to pick up and go.

i'm not anywhere i should be.
and just when i feel like i'm starting to get somewhere.

it occurs to me that i've just been wondering aimlessly.

in the dark.

alone.

this sudden injury...

don't you understand? stop caring so much and let me go.
just fucking let me go.
let me be.

and maybe you'll see i can do this.


everyday, i hate you more.

so you can move forwards...

For once I know exactly how I feel, about many things. At a time where.. my mind is free. And open to rational thinking.

1) It's not there. It's not real. I don't feel it. I can't do it. I refuse to. I don't like people playing around with my emotions, my head, my heart. No?

2) This is my life. I shouldn't be afraid to go to my friend's birthday party because of this. I shouldn't be paranoid that everyone I talk to is trying to get something out of me to fuel your gossip-like, bashful ways. I felt like a fool for too long until I realized. That I shouldn't be wasting away on all the drama you pull. That I don't need the whole world to like me. And that I definitely do not need friends who don't understand, who up and leave.

3) I love you. I just love you. It's that fucking simple.

4)You both make me smile. I love knowing I have you, anytime. I love knowing we spend all our time together. I love that you stuck up to him.

5) Complete bullshit.

6) Not happening. I'm not throwing this away. I'll be left with nothing. He was right. Let it go. Get through it. And walk away. Onto better things.

7) I can't stress how much of a relief that was. I just want this gone. I want this to be the past. Because I know I'm better than this. I want to smile. And I want it to be golden.

I've just opened my eyes the widest possible, to all this, in motion. Sometimes I feel like I can't keep up, and at others, I feel like I'm too caught up.

But put simply:
HIGHSCHOOL IS A LOAD OF SHIT. :)

cut an X...

my ears have been ringing all night.
i'm scared, because i don't know what to say.
i don't know where to start.
i don't know how to.
i don't know if that's okay.
i'm so paranoid.

to the point that i've been shaking for the better half of this morning.
and i can't breathe, my heart is beating too fast.