Tearing Through Me...

If i don't let this out now, it will prevent me from sleeping. But when I push myself to sort this out, my head begins to spin. There are far too many emotions running through my head, my heart. Tonight, I felt her pain more than ever before. My heart broke as I sat in my bedroom, subjected to her crying and screaming. I heard her hit herself. I know how it feels to wish death upon your own self, I know how it feels to finally realize your world is collapsing right before your eyes. Atleast I can escape this. But for her, this is life. For all the sacrifices she has made, all the hard times she has pulled through, all the lessons learned, she is left with wanting nothing other than the end, whether it be one way or another. She regrets us, and she's stuck in the middle of this battle. And as much as I want us to stay - so she doesn't have to fall asleep at night, crying, so she doesn't have to work days and nights on end, so she doesn't fall to pieces, this isn't healthy. We shouldn't have to live like this. She shouldn't, I shouldn't because this is killing us all. We can't give him the control he wants, and I sure as hell can't give him perfect. As for her, she's giving up on searching for compromise after compromise to bring us to a happy medium. Is this really my fault? Am I really the reason? Why do we deserve this? We left all that behind, or so we thought, for this. for THIS. Part of me knows that nothing will change. We have a tendancy to pretend and fake ourselves through. We fake these smiles, and fake the laughs, and pretend this house is a home. We grit our teeth and clench our fists, hoping maybe the month will go by smoothly. The result is the same, always. We're always let down. I'm not perfect, he has a big mouth, and you don't have total control. She'll fight for us to just deal with each other. But this hate has grown over the past 5 years, into a monster of something I can't rid of that easily. We're never happy. We're all broken and bruised. I can't stand for this to continue for much longer. This cycle is ever so unhealthy.