there's beauty in this breakdown...

i've been hoping and praying for a single way to show you...
just how much i really care.

come on, love. let's run.
and get the hell away from this town.

blah, blah, blah...

IT'S ALWAYS CALM BEFORE THE STORM.
but you know, the weather man isn't always right.

and either are you.

I read about the after life...

I can't write anymore, atleast for now. I have so many thoughts running through my head, that I can't pick one to actually set my mind to, and all of it's just spinning so fast that it feels as though my mind is completely empty.
The only thing I do know. Is how much I appreciate the talk we just had. Tonight I won't cry because I'm alone. Tonight I'll know that I can't let this get to me. That I have to take it, and use it to better myself.
thank you.
thank you.
thank you.

stab, stab; i'm screaming...

you're fake, basically.
you're a joke.
you're selfish.

you don't know the real me. i don't even know the real me at most times. i don't see myself through your eyes, and i am NOT sorry for being fucking happy for once in my life. you're all making me sick to my stomach.

Like Knives....

my head is getting in the way of my heart.
and i'm fucking sorry.

oh, hello...

and when i looked back over my shoulder, i never expected to see you staring back at me. i began to walk faster, faster. you were chasing me. and i feel like i blindly ran into all of this, too quickly. i feel like you chased me into a corner.

i never loved you, you're free to never look my way again.

i hate when you smirk at me when i pass you, like i still find it fun to play your little games.

i regret ever picking up the phone that night.

i can tell...

Words are only words until you give them meaning, darling. How can you lie to yourself? Your supposed best friend? I have no trust in you anymore. Like this mattered anyways.

and this will all be over...

it's funny. how i can feel such pain and bring this all upon myself. when i do know it will all subside. i listened to a song today. and i floated back to a time when i was alive inside. i felt so strong than. and as the song continued to play, i discovered some hope. because most times, the feelings the songs bring are so far gone, and in the past. but this time, i could feel them flowing through my veins. and i knew, as the singers soothing voice came to a stop, that, they were still there.

we're never waking up...

i just want to feel beautiful. for once in my life. i want to wake up, and feel like all this dwelling i do on all the complications in my life, that surround me, and consume me everyday, were nothing. i wish i could feel in my bones, that the future holds great suprises in store for me. but recently, i don't have it in me. i feel so cluttered. i know i need to take action. everything i know i need to do, is so far out of my reach, though. i've fallen away from everything i ever knew, and lifting myself up out of this mess... well let's just say i have no upper body strength. my backbone has weakened, and i lack interest for my well being. i've become so irresponsible it makes my stomach turn. and i tried to fill my void with your bedroom walls surrounding me. but it's left me in a state in which i've never been before. i can't help but let the floodgates burst open. i can't hold back. harsh waters drown the living on countless a night.

take my breathe away...

and tonight, my dreams will be the death of me. my heart and mind are in race they're well aware they cannot win. i read what you wrote. you wonder what your bedroom walls would say about you if they could talk. oh if only they could talk, if only they were real. what would they say? about us? about us last night? will we all meet again? i told myself i wouldn't do this. i told myself i wouldn't care. i told myself it was okay. why must i get in over my head? why must i shake? why must i lose my breath? why must my stomach do these flip flops?
what am i doing?

nothing better...

i just can't stop my mind from thinking a million thoughts a minute. i can't rid myself of these short breaths, that leave my heart skipping beats. i wish i could be special. i wish you could push aside the fact. i wish i could just make you turn around and see... i am over analysing this. i am over exaggerating. i am a hopeless romantic. i just can't pretend it was nothing. we know it wasn't. why can't i be someone else?

may i have this dance...

"you're asking me, like i'm supposed to know the answers..."

blink, blink, blink. i sit at my desk and, forcing my eyelids open, stare at my blinking cursor. how can i be bitter about this? i simply cannot. last night was so weird that it turned out to be far from it. weird. because it was so... normal. oh, you're so out of the blue. your words hit like a train. and i can't ignore it. you showed me how things could be. and even though i know there are multiple reasons and obstacles in our way, i will sit here at my desk, recalling our night in paradise, quietly in like with you.

i'm sinking like a stone in the sea...

i had the words and they all fell apart...
as i walked home, tears streaming, mascara streaking down my cheeks, i lost all hope.
i'll do this later.

hey unloving...

i can feel my throat closing, as these tears cascade down my face, stinging my eyes. my heart has fallen apart. i'm ripping at the seams. can't you see what you're doing? can't you see you're ruining me? i can't even take one of you, let alone the 3 of you attacking me like you did tonight. nevermind loving me. i want to run away. far away. i want to run forever. i want to go where no one knows my name, my face. because this will never be my home.

on my own..

i haven't even thought this through. i forgot what you looked like. until i saw that picture. that's when it hit me.. that i miss you. i miss you so much. everything. and when you held my hand... i watched every movement; i took it all in. is it because i knew what was ahead? that i knew it was too good to be true? it felt too good to be real. at this very moment, i don't believe in a single thing. you really did break me. i'm so bitter, and so cold.

she's gunna break soon...

small.
insignificant.
miniscule.
a spec of dirt.
nothing.
useless.
worthless.
meaningless.
selfish.
alone.
so alone.
unintelligent.

thanks, daddy.

step to me...

how? how am i supposed to get through this? when this is tears streaming down my face? when this is faking it every day? when this is hating you. when this is me not wanting to be, period. i swear you wouldn't even know my face in the crowd. just love me. i shouldn't even have to ask for that. i'm desperate. and hollow inside. love me.

Oh, Sweet Angel Of Mercy...

i can't think of a better escape. than you or you. or the new us and the hopes of our tomorrows to come. there isn't any other way i'd rather turn to when things come to a stop. you are my right direction. you are the medicine i take when i'm sick. you're my sun on the rainest of days. your words of comfort are music to my ears. you know the right things to say, you teach me to be strong. you make me forget i've ever hurt. you laugh with me, and at me. you say i love you and i know it's through it all. i know i can count on you. you're here to see me through and it's ever so important to me, especially at the point i'm currently at in this life. you're what keeps my feet planted on the ground, you're what holds me together-keeps me sane. i wouldn't know life without.

Tearing Through Me...

If i don't let this out now, it will prevent me from sleeping. But when I push myself to sort this out, my head begins to spin. There are far too many emotions running through my head, my heart. Tonight, I felt her pain more than ever before. My heart broke as I sat in my bedroom, subjected to her crying and screaming. I heard her hit herself. I know how it feels to wish death upon your own self, I know how it feels to finally realize your world is collapsing right before your eyes. Atleast I can escape this. But for her, this is life. For all the sacrifices she has made, all the hard times she has pulled through, all the lessons learned, she is left with wanting nothing other than the end, whether it be one way or another. She regrets us, and she's stuck in the middle of this battle. And as much as I want us to stay - so she doesn't have to fall asleep at night, crying, so she doesn't have to work days and nights on end, so she doesn't fall to pieces, this isn't healthy. We shouldn't have to live like this. She shouldn't, I shouldn't because this is killing us all. We can't give him the control he wants, and I sure as hell can't give him perfect. As for her, she's giving up on searching for compromise after compromise to bring us to a happy medium. Is this really my fault? Am I really the reason? Why do we deserve this? We left all that behind, or so we thought, for this. for THIS. Part of me knows that nothing will change. We have a tendancy to pretend and fake ourselves through. We fake these smiles, and fake the laughs, and pretend this house is a home. We grit our teeth and clench our fists, hoping maybe the month will go by smoothly. The result is the same, always. We're always let down. I'm not perfect, he has a big mouth, and you don't have total control. She'll fight for us to just deal with each other. But this hate has grown over the past 5 years, into a monster of something I can't rid of that easily. We're never happy. We're all broken and bruised. I can't stand for this to continue for much longer. This cycle is ever so unhealthy.

Love don't live here anymore...

the world is spinning around, you think after 6 years i'd learn how to put my foot down. everynight, you stumble in over my dreams. and this morning, for the first time since i frankly can't even remember, you were a stranger to me. i closed my eyes, and i didn't know you. i have never been so scared. i never understood how people could hate, could wish the worst upon someone. well, i fucking hate you. i hate everything about you. i hate the odd times you're nice, i hate when you call me names, i hate when you even look at me. i hate when smile, and i hate when you yell at her. i hate your cough, and i hate that you don't care. most of all, i hate that i was open to accepting you into my life. to be let down. once again. i don't know anything different. nothing ever changes. i'm sick of this constant cycle in motion. i'm sick of being sick because i lose my appetite. i'm done with compromising who i am, and who i want to be. you can't do this any longer. i'm putting both feet down. enough is enough.

don't mind if i fall apart...

with daylight creeping upon us, we once laid hidden beneath your sheets. sharing secrets, we knew nothing but each other; ignoring the alarm clock, the phone calls, the yells from upstairs, the rest of the world didn't matter than. now i know i wanted you for nothing more, than hating you for what you are. you broke the little bit of what was left of my heart. you trapped me, you took my breath away, you sung me to sleep. you whispered ever so softly in my ear, and told me all the sweet things i've yearned to hear. you gave me new found hope. that "this could be our perfect moment". you make getting caught up in you and your fake world so easy. it's so easy to fall down. but i can't do this anymore. i refuse to be a spec in your life. i hate myself at times, but i know i am more than nothing. and i know i could be everything to you. and i was hiding it all before, but now i'm bleeding through and right out. as i do, out goes the sound of your voice, the every movement of your hand along with mine, the taste of your kiss, the warmth and bliss you brought to life deep inside of me. what's left now.. a shattered dream of a poor, lifeless girl who let down walls and broke down barriers at her chance for something real, to be suddenly stopped in her tracks to discover she was never going the right way in the first place. and to think it felt so right. to think your eyes were the only thing that once mattered to me. you never told me what your dancing dream was.. by now, i can only believe it was filled with miserable intentions. so i'm done writing your song because the ending got twisted around. i can breathe now, but the air is running out on me. i know when i'm done with this ending, i can begin somewhere new. winter will pass, and i will become invisible in the summer, but the seasons will keep on going. warmer months will be no match for the calendar.

choose the ones you love the most...

*in the meadow, we can build a snowman, and pretend that he is carson brown...*
and the music that should be filling our hearts with the spirit of christmas, and the joy of sharing it with one other, fades. and my head begins to pound, my surroundings beginning to blur. i close my eyes, trying with all my might to block you out. she already hates her life, i can imagine she even regrets you. you finally left, to so selfishly get only yourself dinner, not a thought of anyone else in your mind. i contemplated running. just running. where? i had no clue. i still don't. i don't think the four us could ever honestly say this house is a home. it's more comparable to a war zane, a prison, a boot camp. or better yet, a graveyard. because we're all really dead - inside. a true relationship is built on emotional honesty. if we can't tell each other how we feel, we will forever be like this, with this lack of harmony inbetween.