so i don't really have it out for anyone but man, nigel is the biggest coward i've come in contact with. he can't even look a person straight in the eye in fear that they will realize (which they do) that all he speaks is untruths - cruel ones, at that. and it makes me feel queasy to know that i cannot simply leave something 'desirable' on the kitchen counter for but 5 minutes without someone abusing the fact that it is everyone's house, but that not everything is communal. it's common sense and it disgusts me. and this is why i've found myself returning from my beautiful excursion in the mountains, tearing up like a school girl. because home is not a 4 bedroom bungalow in the suburbs, or bathrooms suited with jacuzzi tubs or even your sweetest bedroom decor that without, you are not.. it's the love that flows through the rooms, that travels under the doors even when bolted shut and that is continuous. my expressions lay strewn across my floor, spread across my ceiling and carved into my mellow cubicle. and when i shut the door, i suppose i could call this home. but this unreasonable situation has me feelin' like nothing that is mine means a damn thing. nothing i cherish means anything when i'm stuck here.

i wish i had someone to stay up all night with and read and smoke with. i miss those sleepovers. i guess i feel a hell of a lot better than i did hours ago - every one of us really needed to vent what was pent up inside. and i mean, i believe it stretches further but we all want to reach that same ideal, that same happiness but our pursuits are of variety. if we can all look into ourselves and realize this, than respect can be found. we're really no different from any other household, we just don't have a defined group dynamic. a mother doesn't pick up and sort out the laundry that gets mixed up. and obviously no one does anything unless they're motivated because well.. .. need i say more? we just need to work on this house and some ground laws, atleast for now. now's time for ourselves, a bit more space - physically, emotionally. but for now, i am slowly drifting off in this computer screen, finish is blurred.
school tomorrow, goodnight.

and i look back, so strong that it was like that time we made imprints in the wet cement and waited for them to dry. ashley is 20 today. her and i are travlling to calgary. i'm packing all of my things soon and who knows where i will find myself. this is for the best. i tell myself this over and over. if ashley leaves, i'd really have no reason to be here. those once so bright are draining into this monotonous electronical cycle of lameness. i miss my guitar, i hope tyler remembers to bring it tomorrow morning.
i love you, let's go to sleep.

the way you think it oughtta be...

i've been smokin' too long.

there are so many possibilites to be explored, and that's just within my mind. how can you ever know you're on a leash if you stay in range of that peg?

one foot is too far ahead of the other. though capable, i just cannot love. i have just realized there are no more elephant shoes. i broke up with joshua. it was stupid. julie moved in. she's sweet and cultured. i must retire to bed.
sometimes i enjoy producing writing that is like that of a grade 2's.

MANUFACTURED LANDSCAPES

Tonight, we watched a documentary Andrew picked up called MANUFACTURED LANDSCAPES. It is a feature length documentary on the world and work of renowned artist Edward Burtynsky. Burtynsky makes large-scale photographs of ‘manufactured landscapes’ – quarries, recycling yards, factories, mines, dams and photographs civilization’s materials and debris. He does this in such a way that people describe as “stunning” or “beautiful,” and so raises all kinds of questions about ethics and aesthetics without trying to easily answer them.

Basically the film follows Burtynsky to China as he travels the country photographing the evidence and effects of that country’s massive industrial revolution. Sites such as the Three Gorges Dam, which is apparenetly bigger by 50% than any other dam in the world and displaced over a million people, factory floors over a kilometre long!!! and the breathtaking scale of Shanghai’s urban renewal are subjects for his lens and motion picture camera.

The film was shot in Super-16mm film, which extends the narrative streams of Burtynsky’s photographs, allowing audiences to meditate on our profound impact on the planet and witness both the epicentres of industrial endeavour and the dumping grounds of its waste. What makes the photographs so powerful is his refusal in them to be didactic. We are all implicated here, they tell us: there are no easy answers. The film approaches the presentation of complexity, without trying to reach simplistic judgements or reductive resolutions and in the process, it was trying to shift our consciousness about the world and the way we live in it. and not a single thing i have done since viewing it has been the same. even merely typing on this keyboard to convey this to you.

please, i urge you. rent this video. open your eyes.

i'm not even close to being over this and i cannot bare to put josh through the emotional turmoil i experienced because of mark's past. i miss the blue box. i need to apologize. everytime i'm convinced things are definitely brighter, which granted they are, i get slapped in the face again. how do i find closure when we never ended what we had? i lay my head to sleep at night and stare at the tree crawling up my wall. our reality. i miss the elephant shoes, it makes me sad.
writing is too difficult right now.

unclench your fists and drop everything. stand before me and let me speak my peace. i have not come to hurt nor to cause trouble, but to apologize, and speak only truths. i do ask you to understand my eyes. if i am hurting, i am only human and i will in fact, shed tears. know that i have no time to hear anything that frowns upon that.
i need to tell you..