somedays...

http://youtube.com/watch?v=krKZIyime4k

last night while i was toking, in the night, my room was all of a sudden illuminated. i could see the fireworks from the tree lighting downtown. christmas is a time to spend with family, loved ones, a time to share warmth and coziness at home with those close to you. the fireworks not only sparked in the sky, but deep inside me :) eeeeee.

i miss you so, right now. and feel very close to you. i feel your sudden warmth. i just spent a night with myself, and i saw a picture of you.. and for some very odd reason, it was as though you were just here, you felt so completely familiar. it was really nice and refreshing. i'm always gunna love you.

some people recognize your light but they can't handle your glare. i am not alone :)

this is my story untold.

should i feel guilty, should i go on counting the days? bright lights in the naked city, i need a place to call my own. i walk these streets at night, its just like day under the bright lights, as i walk all alone. i walk alone. and i breathe my breath a cloud infront of me, the wind whips through my coat, through my shirt, through my heart. and i feel alive. i feel alive. it's already been too long, cause days are like weeks, like months and i don't know when you're coming home. please come home. and i exhale as tears stream down my face. i read the words that you will never say. once again i walk alone. i want to go home. should i go on counting the days?

i am a victim to your ways, but i still continue to fly. none of this was a trick, and now clear is that which i see. but i suppose somethings are better left unsaid, is that it?

all these places feel like home.

i should have taken the mic, for i knew all the words. but i think i was hit with far too much nostalgia for one moment. you were with us. you were there. i revisited every smile.

what has been shattered, can it be rebuilt? tonight emotions cannot be held back. in the comfort of my mother's home, i smell love. love has a scent? i walk into the laundry room and remember the first night i crept downstairs to talk on the phone with you. i remember falling in love sitting on the dryer in the middle of the night. and again in the doctor's office. and when you told me i had to go home. this beat goes on.

i spin the 6 digits so fast. take a look behind your shoulder and i'm not there. true blue, we're swimming alone in our own endlessness of blues.

"don't invade the issue! i'm going to punch him in the stomach and run!
this is about midly sexy, not ferociously sexy. wait, you'll be paralyzed. i'm very wise" i love my best friend!

JOY is the point

It’s a wonderful thing, that what you think and how you feel is a vibrational match. It’s a wonderful thing that what you think and how you feel—and what manifests—is a vibrational match. Some post-manifestational awareness. Marching, marching, marching with the universe at my fingertips. Giving birth to a rocket of desire.

with karate, i'll kick your ass. you broke the rules, now i pull out all your pubic hair, you muthafucka! i'm gunna kick your ass from here to right over there! i'm gunna kick your fuckin' derriere. you know the reason why! and we can sing like that, all night. where were you when we were getting high?

i loved you all along.

can i ask the creator for forgiveness? will you ever look into my eyes and see how they ache. they are open, and my heart is heavy.

Baby says I can't come with him
And I had read all of this in his eyes
Long before he even said so

All the waves of blame arrange as broken scenery
As they steal our best memories away
What if I was someone different in your only history?

You may hate me, but I'll remember to love you


how do you right a wrong? how do you hurt someone you love so much? how do you resist respecting yourself? how have i been living? how do you ever apologize. no words. no actions. lost. i wish you could look into my eyes. i wish i could hold you. i wish you could feel what's inside of me. i feel beside myself. i love you so. i have fallen down.

everything is light and sound. facing forwards, going slowly. living by the hour, i stop for every flower. everything is soft and slow. now all these tastes improve through the view that comes with you. life you handed me my life. for the first time, it felt right. thank you for making me see there's a life in me, C. it was dying to get out. holding you, we made two spoons beneath the april moon. everything is soft and sweet. this cigarette it could seduce a nation with it's smoke. crawling down my tired throat. scratches part of me thats purring, softly stirring. look at these trees i feel affinity with. everything so soft and still. budding at my fingertips. touching you i start to bloom. alive with trains and passing ships. soft and sweet along your lips. i go, oh wow. thank you for taking me from my monestary. i was dying to get out. with tears of gratitude. i like my latitude. cross town train to you. now all these tastes improve. through the view that came with you. like they handed me my life for the first time it felt worth it. like i deserved it.

February 22nd. Reading back on it made me smile.

A poetic retelling of an unfortunate arrangement

if you walk away, than i'll walk away. first tell me which road you will talk. i don't want to risk our paths crossing some day, so you walk that way and i'll walk this way. the future hangs over our heads. and it moves with each current event. until it falls all around like a cold steady rain. just stay in when it's lookin this way. the moons layin low in the sky, forcing everything metal to shine. the sidewalks holds diamonds like a jewellery store case. they argue, walk this way. i dreamed you were carried away on the crest of a wave. baby, don't go away. come here. there's kids playing guns in the street and ones pointing his tree branch at me. i put my hands up and say enough is enough. if you walk away, i'll walk away. he shot me dead. i found a liquid cure, for my landlocked blues. it will pass away like a slow parade. it's leaving but i don't know how soon. the world's got me dizzy again. you'd think after so many years i'd be used to the spin. it always feel worse when i stay in one place. i keep drinking the ink from pen. and i'm balancing history books up on my head. but it all boils down to one quotable phrase... "if you love something, give it away." you may be offended, you may be afraid, but don't walk away. we made love in the hallway on the floor, with the noise in the background from a televised war. and in the defeaning pleasure i thought i heard someone say, "if we walk away, they'll walk away" greed is a bottomless pit. our freedoms a joke. we're just taking a piss. i feel more like a stranger each time i come home. let me walk away. i just want to make a clean escape. i'm leaving but i don't know where to.

let the rain fall, i don't care

love is a touchy subject. how does a person know when love is a thing or not? is it butterflies in your stomach? jealousy? comfort? sex? spritual union? are any of those things love? love is beyond comprehension to me. it is magic. i'm a romantic and realize that. is love clinging to support lines because you can't deal, can it be just one kiss? do i know? love is a broad possibility of options. can't grasp it because it's not one thing. what a range of could-be's. there's so much love. decision. indecision. want. letting go. does anyone see where i'm going with this? someone once told me to experience love and not to obtain it. it's terrifying. i'm terrified. breaking off from the familiarness. it's the hardest thing. that's what all these swami-monk priests are all striving for, thats what mark and me and you and anyone are trying for every day. it's the only thing you can do other than saturating yourself in familiar comforts. right now, i'm not doing any of that. i'm sitting in my bedroom, comforting myself with this internet writing, which is a controlled place. but comfort is okay, too. this is a balance thing. i focus my breath. breath is powerful. it's eating oxygen. oxygen fules my body, my brain. my body and brain representative of my soul. i breathe deeply. i am going to get some nice tea. maybe bengal spice or licorice root. face yourself, sam. keep asking questions. contradictions and frustrations. i believe in love. i just don't know what it is.
a good friend of mine always signs her paper letters.
love and light,
me.

i love my mother with everything i am. tonight, i miss her very much. i just called her to tell her i love her. and that i appreciate everything she's ever done for me. living on my own has taught me that you are lucky if you even have one person you can trust in this world, one person who considers your safety, your health, your happiness in every step they take, every move they make. i am so grateful to have been blessed with such a selfless mother. i look up to her in more ways than one. i wonder if she knows how highly i speak of her. the contemplation of calling her back or not has arisen. i'd like to ask her to come over so i can give her a hug. it's very easy to feel alone and uncomfortable in this house, especially when the housemates fight. i need something familiar right now. for now, i squeeze my teddy bear and keep to the sky.