tonight was devil's night. the police offers were spread out amongst the whole town. i crossed my line with smoking tonight. and it's made me think a lot. atleast, everything is intense to a very great extent. i thought about how i felt hollow. i have made mistakes. or stumbled, rather on this path of oncoming and hidden obstacles to the sun. i understand now that i have not reached the stage of perceiving the repurcussions of my actions. the clocks been going in circles for some time since the red lights. i only realize now how i should understand and assess the situation. god fled from me, i let go of his hands such a long time ago. and i have finally made my way back to him, stronger than before. my legs are still wobbly. i still feel a hint of doubt. i feel how pure my intentions are. i feel like i can learn. it's hard to admit, but i fear. god's wish right now is so unclear to me. tonight is the first night i prayed. that i talked to my true inner self in ages. than i prayed for all that was just. all that was real. i made a mistake, i was not entirely true to myself, but have only come to the reality of this just now, in this i was not true to many other things, and something ever so special and sacred to me. this is yet another obstacle to be surmounted. i am closer. things have taken different shape. i wish you here. i am positively set on embarking on an adventure. i am always here, there, and everywhere. the creator, you and i. i miss feeling so connected, 3 souls, in our silences. in the blue box. i remember how nicely the trees shone on the wall across from the window. the leaves would dance amongst the yellow light, as i followed the starry night, creeping down the closet - music usually playing. i feel so very odd, i cannot explain the feeling quite right, thinking about other times such as those. it's so cheesy that i giggle, sigh and develop a dreamy gaze. i remember so many peaceful times in that blue box. you're the only one who reads this, i suppose this here blog isn't even for me anymore. i love you. i care for you and wish you an abundance of so many amazing things. i am here for you. i want to help. i want to be. i want to see you smile. i want to see you fall. and pick yourself up. i want to see you flying kites - i did that the other day with my mum and the dog in the park. i feel the light. i feel you and i feel you inside now more than ever. i am so deep in lost thoughts, i apologize for being all over the place. shine. frolick. smile. spread out your wings. you are beautiful. you are dear.