it's the night life that gets them off..

if i could, i'd blow the sun out and bury you deep within my bed. i'd give you my lungs to breathe as i do. and we'd never wake up, forever sleepwalkers.

and when she said, "i hope you feel better sleeping knowing that i never sleep at all" did you reply with that smile?
sleeping's overrated.

5:25 a.m, shaken, wide awake, hooked on a feelin' as the stars come out to play -

"look at the stars, i've never quite seen them so bright"

i crave silence with some company.

digital blasphemy

it's 12:15 and i just woke up! my roommates are really interesting people. stan is incredibly christian and is very open minded. he gave me a bunch of books on quantum physics and feng shiu which is what he noticed i'd like to do to my bedroom. this morning, though, i woke up completely disturbed. beyond disturbed. i had dreamt that my roommates and i were living in toronto, and andrea, who is a nurse took me to her patient's house, but the patient turned out to be ceased in a coffin.. and by the time i ran home, cop cars were everywhere and this oriental man had tried to break into our houses and shoot at our lock, trying to bust down the door. i ran to the neighbours house and begged for them to bring me in, but the wouldn't let me in their house because they said i had an attitude that of a smoker. and than when i finally built up the courage to make it back to my house, this boy was in my bedroom with a barrie north collegiate gym uniform on. we were cousins? and than i locked the door, and closed the window to block out the sound of gun shots and screaming children.
i think that perhaps going back to north was a good choice.. i need familiarness now. because in that, there's comfort. i think i'm really scared of being on my own. i am safe here in my room, it is me. i think i'm analysing my dream.

pitter patter goes my heart

upstairs or out the door, i don't know which is the way. it's nice to have a hand sometimes.

i'm not a convenience at your service. i bruise easily, it's no secret. i don't wish this upon anyone. i'm a person, i have a heart, and i'm not a fucking toy.

1:57a.m
i shouldn't have gone to tim hortons so late at night, perhaps i'd be sleeping if that wasn't the case. ah well, it's not like i've a thing to do until i work. my landlord has me doing odd jobs around the house to make up for the two extra weeks he's letting me live here. he's kindof creepy, in a really nice way.. which results in him being even creepier. basically he has a different girl over everyday. you are not cool, buddy. i didn't find time to paint tonight, but when i got in, andrea and i painted some pictures. there's a massive joint on my wall. and a really cute mural of a very happy place. i'd love to get someone over here to do something really funky with my closet doors. maybe i'll buy textiles! i really can't wait to get everything in order. i was never given the chance to make my room my own in my mum's place and i like the idea of having this room all to myself. i can even lock the door. i'm not used to privacy, it's something that my stepfather drilled into my head was a privledge. which i completely disagree with. i'm glad i'm out of cait's house. she lectured me when she got in tonight for having the gate open, which i obviously wasn't a part of. why would i leave the gate open? and i didn't make my bed properly so she demanded i go over there tomorrow? jeez. would she have starved had i not bought all the groceries? i wonder. she's a nice enough girl but i don't find her real enough. i'm always left feeling completely dissatisfied with people. i feel like maybe i expect too much. i mean, who am i. i want someone great and find him and can't keep up. maybe i shouldn't be so hard on people. i just find it extremely hard to take an interest in anyone, really. the minute i say something worth anything to me, and i can tell they don't have it, i lose all interest. i know there's a balance, i have to work on maintaining that otherwise i'll have a bummer of a time here. i am really excited for school, though! to think i'm going to be taking guitar!! sometimes i feel so motivated, and very much so look forward to being able to focus my motivation and energy on something other than what i've been wasting away my summer doing. wasting = keyword. i really hope i get into global. i don't want to get my hopes up, but i really do hope there is a chance i get in. i know of alot of people who got in with late acceptance. i'm willing to pour my heart out to mr. morrisson to make him understand how badly i want to be a part of his class. i think it's ridiculous my school failed to inform my grade that program was available to us. unfortunate. everyone applied for geo studies, though. i don't know why i didn't, perhaps i should have. i haven't even gotten my report card yet. i hope i didn't fail math. i've never failed a class before, man my marks just plummetted this past year for me. and it's not even that i'm not smart, i was on honour roll before i took this fall. i am so excited to get back to school. i'm probably blabbing. i just have no one to talk to, and alot of like thoughts in my head about nothing really. just tedious blabber.

so this is the falling out..
wow

to you, with your eyes so bright and sincere:

underneath you know well
you have nothing to fear.
for the dreams that came to you when so young
you were told of a life where spring is sprung.
you would seem so frail in the cold of the night
when the armies of emotion
go out to fight.
but while the earth sinks to its grave
you sail to the sky on the crest of a wave.
so forget this cruel world where I belong
i'll just sit and wait and sing my song.
and if one day you should see me in the crowd
lend a hand and lift me to your place in the cloud.

chlorasepticx390394567

yesterday was my first day here at "home". i spent most of it flipping through channels and watching ridiculous tv shows, wishing on 6 o'clock with all my might, for andrea to come home from work. and now i'm sick and i wish i had some comfort, i guess. i think my landlord and i are panting tonight. i really hope so, because i don't like the baby blue in my bedroom, it's too familiar, which is unsettling for me. i can't wait to set everything up, and just collapse on my own bed, and take that deep breath out i've been needing to.

and i don't know if i'm wrong, because he's only just gone. why the fuck is this day taking so long.
once you were mine. and you walk alway because you can.



you were my reason d'etre.

your songs ring through the floor below

lord, can you hear me now. i can't let go of your hand. i'm surrounded by cold water, and it's all i have. or am i lost?

it was you under the sun afterall

i'm not going to erase that blog, but i didn't mean it. that's what happens when i speak up, i say things i don't mean, because i'm in the heat of the moment. in this case anyways. the truth is i'd do anything for you. and no angry or completely unrational rage of bitterness could possibly have it otherwise. september does creep, but i'm scared to see the day when your bags are packed and you're ready to leave.

cigarettes cause mouth diseases

some non fictional cheese? love IS blind. you give and love and love and love with everything you are to be strung. all i've ever given is pure and genuine. i've never expected anything back in return except for honesty and respect. but instead i feel used. i feel like a spec of dirt stuck on the bottom of someone's dirty shoe.
i placed you on the highest of pedastools, and i am at fault for that. i didn't hold a doubt for a single second that you were not true. you were truly who i wanted you to be. i pulled the wool over my eyes and had myself so sure, so in love with the idea that you would not dare intend on hurting me, breaking me. i raised you high up on that stool, and allowed it to get the best of me and the best of you and i.
did, didn't, feel, felt, love, loved. i could get lost in a jumble of all these confusing thoughts. i feel the time for change nearing. how i wish it didn't creep so slowly.

september brings a new day and a chance to not be so scared of the thought of accepting i'm me.

i really do wish it was me you were thinking of.

a grain develops only in its soil, in the environment that suits it. i'm not a product of this.

i've got a hunger twisting my stomach into knots. get me out of here! because here, there's not much to really shout about. tell me which way's out.

i love you now and i'll love you than. you've crawled your way into my heart.

"just so..." "must there be an excuse for everything? you are everywhere.

falling out

i can't have a silent night to myself, because i've nowhere to truly call my own. it's one thing being lost on the inside, but being surrounded by a sea of all things unfamiliar has taken it's tole on me. if things were my way, it wouldn't be like this at all. maybe we fought, but atleast we kept at it, as though we were fighting for something. which i knew we always were. sure, we're fucked up, but which family isn't? atleast i know where home will always be.
*stringggggggggggggg* does this love have no limit?
blah.

self destruction.

it's not you he sees.
i remember we once agreed destruction was beautiful.
i'll take comfort in that.

"no, she'll be denied." i just want to go home. i'm tired, and i don't have my own bed, and i haven't eaten. if one more person tells me how lucky i am to be out on my own, i'm going to crash. i just want to go home.

to do:
revenue canada, call and enquire.
make an appointment for student funding.
return movie.
call andrea.
call mother.
gather banking information - branch, account & transit #