your scent has been washed out and worn out of this sweater. but i wear it to bed because i feel closer to you.
do you even know how happy i want to make you? people have it all wrong. i don't want to take away all of your suffering. i want you to progress. and even if at times, i don't fully understand you or your position, i still want you to feel as though you can bounce anything off of me. that.. through me, you can understand yourself.

"cheese," he'll say, hopefully smiling.

i love how comfortable i feel here.

i'll do anything for you.

now i understand how you felt that day.

the churning in your stomach will never go away.
terrifying hope is all you're left with.

all things go.

i almost forgot the feeling. i felt as though i was almost rid of it. i wonder if you ever stop hating everything around you for even a few short moments, and realize your life could be so much better. i understand that your past does not sit with you well. you have run into, and backed yourself into trouble along your twisted path. you've had it rough, i'm not going to pretend i don't realize that. but if you made it through.. why couldn't you find the strength to pull through a better person? what got in the way? you haven't learned a thing and i lose myself in that. don't you want to see the light? wouldn't you rather? no matter how great anything is surrounding you, you make it into something negative. if i listen to you, and respect you in any way i can, you pick and pick and find a flaw, ignoring how pleased you could be with me and therefore yourself, for getting your point across. and i can't distinguish whether this worry and concern is out of some form of love, or not. lately, i've been trying to be a bigger person. i've stopped myself from sinking to your level, on countless a time. because i am being that exact person i hate. and that disgusts myself to no end. i'm pretty tired of dealing with you. and i want out. call me selfish, but i've tried and you attack who i am inside everyday. and i don't need that in my life. i am far too happy to let you drag me down.

strange days are comin...

i'm quitting this ridiculous addiction. everything is pointing in that direction. i feel as though my body only craves this, and for a change, it's not in my mind. how that happened, i don't know, but i would be crazy to fight it. i don't want to feel dependent. there are things i've known all along, but i pulled the wool over my eyes, and decided to be oblivious to the the fact. not anymore - it's time to be realistic.

speaking of which, i honestly can't even grasp this. her threats hardly scare me, but rather make me laugh. i wish i could feel sympathy towards her and her dreadful disposition. and i don't hate, but god damn, am i coming close. how she feels towards me, is not the basis of my life, can't she see? i think i could perhaps rant about this for far too long. you are all machines. cold, steel, heartless machines. i'm not doing this.

and i'm skimming through my book, hoping to find that description. click click click. that's how it works. that's how this whole thing works. and it keeps me smiling. to even describe it, scares me, for i fear none of it would do him- along with this feeling- justice. nothing could possibly measure up. and i never thought i could be speechless... ...

i just peeked out my blinds. not the person i wanted to see. those were bad shivers.

elliot smith says:

and now i feel changed around, instead of falling down, i'm standing up.

i like that. i'm beginning to understand the reasons for what is happening to me. i'm not only aware, but i understand the consequences of my actions. i want to be practical. i want to live, feeling everything. i most definitely do not feel as though everything is enclosed within the borders of all this materialism. everything is different. my surroundings haven't changed, but i can feel myself changing within. therefore, i view reality in a different way.

and dinner pulls me away from my thoughts.

only a real man can be a lover...

i feel like every single insecurity of mine was poked and pried at last night. i'm aware of them, no doubt, but i came to a complete realization. i desire to have the strength to rise above situations like that. i can't even really dish out what i'm trying to here, because it's really so simple and i'm being complicated. i know i'm capable, and i know i have it in me. and i know it's always been there but for the first time, i can feel it. i can feel it. proof.



aaand i know you're reading this. thanks for being there for me. let's not have sammie smoke crystal again.

can't keep running, there's no place to go...

don't hide from your problems.

we all have devestating moments in life, when terrible, even unimaginable things happen that rock our worlds and affect our lives in negative ways. the question is not how to avoid problems, but how to deal with them once they arrice, how to learn from them and how to become stronger because of the tools you gain from the experience. most of the time i would rather pretend like my problems dont exist. i tell myself it is easier on my heart that way. but deep down, i know i'm wrong. the only way to begin to heal from a heartbreaking situation is to accept its reality and then become willing to work on healing and changing it.
any time we open ourselves up to another person, we become vunerable and and can be hurt easily. although we might be tempted to close our hearts so as not to feel the pain, it is so much better to stay open and trust that if you do get hurt, you will be able to work it out.

it's my turn to be here for you.
i'm here to accept you for who you are now and whoever you may be tomorrow.

what a way to cut - lengthwise

i don't know if you know her
when you say you dont you lie
and i dont know if you trust her
or if she's ever made you cry
and i dont care if you hear me
or if you turn and walk away
and i dont care if you talk back
or have nothing left to say
i dont care if you smile at me
cause its plastic anyway
and i wonder if i touched it
if it would slowly melt away
oh, i know that you must know her
and deny the fact she's you
what a stupid little FOOLISH girl
that i can see right through.

you're constantly on my mind. not that it's a bother whatsoever, i'm just pretty caught up in you. you constantly reassure me that everything is okay and will be. i've never felt so good about someone. i've never felt like i could actually make someone equally as happy as they make me. god, you're fucking beautiful.

The crumbling in his voice and the purity in his eyes made me give into every last bit of him.

She walked through the meadow, with her flowing white skirt and her pixie top and had this great big smile on her face. She felt a rustle in the grasses around her feet. She looks around her to see the most amazing butterfly soaring over her tiny feet. The butterfly looks so fragile, so untainted, that the little girl does not allow herself to give into temptation and curiousity and touch it. And so, it flutters away. She continues her way until she feels another rustle in the grasses. A squirrel runs itself between her legs and just sits in front of her. Apparently, eating something tasty that is nestled in its cheeks. The girl is almost startled by it's confidence, and she won't want to scare it by approaching it. So she lets it leave on it's own. She starts skipping across the meadow, pulling on the daisies as she runs. On the other side of the field, she can see her mother standing there, calling to her. She runs as fast as her little legs can take her. Her feet pounding on the meadow's ground, she can feel her heart racing, and her pulse quickening. She gets to where her mother was standing and collasped in exhaustion. Her mother chuckled at the rosy cheeked little girl and asked her what she was doing out there. The girl's smile rose across her face as she slowly remembered all the events of the day. "It was the prettiest thing I ever seen, mommy. I needed to go see it all!"The mother sighed as she looked over her naive daughter with her hair, all in tangles, and her clothes covered in burrs. She had dirt on her knees and all over her hands and her face was a glistening pink. Her mother could see that her beautiful daughter had been through a lot that day, but she couldn't figure out why she was still smiling the way she was... so genuine her smile seemed. As her mother was deep in thought, a tear dropped from the little girl's big brown eye, and she whispered, "When will I get to see that place again?"Her mother smiled as she came to a realization."In due time, darling, you will see love again. And let us pray that you come back with less scrapes."

this house is a hole that you could never fill.

ser·en·dip·i·ty ( P ) (srn-dp-t)n. pl. ser·en·dip·i·ties
The faculty of making fortunate discoveries by accident.
The fact or occurrence of such discoveries.
An instance of making such a discovery.


there's beauty in the breakdown.

third floor.
blaze.
leap.
smile.
heart.
baby.
embrace.
destruction.
rebuild.
create.
together.

anywhere but here, anywhere but here.. i think to myself, as i close my eyes, nearly suffocating in the crowd. and i slip away from myself as i begin to drown in a sea of black.


blah!

hmmm :)

DEAR MARK:



I LIKE YOU and your sexy little smirk.
a whole lot.

i hope you don't think i'm crazy after this.


<3333

picking up the pieces..

"be courteous to all, but intimate with few, and let those few be well tried before you give them your confidence. true friendship is a planet of slow growth, and must undergo and withstand the shocks of adversity before it is entitled to the appellation." -george washington.

it takes alot for people to push their insecurities aside and allow others to look right in their souls. but the reward for being vunerable is that deep sense of belonging that only a true friendship can give. friendship is a place where you can understand yourself with someone else.

i need you to help me understand and love myself. we are each other's safe place where our deepest secrets and most painful weaknesses find shelter and will never be used against us.

our friendship has been a journey. it's something we've struggled for, something that keeps changing and growing, and something that unfolds and takes shape as we live it everyday.

so here is one word for you, darling.
home.

i have and forever will
love you as my best friend.

there's no explosions here..

happy birthday, wherever you are.


it's detrimental to my health to even be thinking of you.
but i hope that, seeing as a year as passed. you've learned, and grown with each and everyday.
i hope maybe one day you'll grow to love.
and know what it's like to be graceful and give and enjoy happiness you've bestowed upon others.


happy birthday, whoever you are.
happy birthday, wherever you might be.

like i could ever forget.