little kingdoms in your chest

"you have travelled across the country for love, you know that? *sappy smile*
jeez, massey. i never thought about it like that.



i had almost forgotten until last night as we lay on the couch, tangled in a mess of one another, watching some screened happiness. i floated out of the tv screen and into my own train of thought. the extent to how truly wonderful i feel inside stretches so vast. far more vast than any prairie scape i witnessed on my way here. so there i was floating in a bubble of happiness, his arms around my torso and head resting on my heart, my hands running through his silk like hair. i remember the one night he stole my attention with that one sentence. since than, it has grown to be more and more of a personal mission than anything else. t'was from the start, but of course this has had some sort of influence or effect. it would be unrealistic to say otherwise. "the faded soft breeze carries gently through the window where boy and girl lay ... " and than i fast forward to the day of my garage sale. i had mustered through number after number, sometimes believing it all was... disintegrating, disappearing, disassembling itself from my world without a single ounce of my control. could i let it leave my mind? it still hasn't. i had gone seeking. and i had discovered. upon my discovery, i had run down the long set of stairs to the front door and out onto the lawn where my dear friends and housemates lay in the sun after setting up our wondrous possessions in the driveway, anxious to fundraise. i fail to contain and interrupt a conversation i was not a part of with bursts of smiles, laughter and bouts of jumping and skipping like a pre-schooler. ah, the cool grass! i dive for the grass and wiggle and dance around in the refreshing greens of nature that was my lawn, all the while my cheeks burning from copius amounts of laughter. my friends begin to laugh, aswell. we all know sam's crazy, but what is she doing? i had not even said one word yet. words would spoil the moment. so we laugh together and close my eyes to gain composure. i open them again to stare straight up into my tree. how i loved that tree. it looks as though it was plucked right from the plains of africa. long winding brances that hang low almost as if to keep you company and flat, fanning leaves. the sun was peeking through where it could. it was a pleasant light - warm with it's hazy glow. distance meant not a thing to me in that moment. as i watched the clouds roll by through the openings above in my tree, i realized we are living underneath the same sky. and when we sleep, we sleep beneath the same sky and the sun will rise and we shall rise with it, under that same sky. i felt connected to a happiness that felt as pure as ever. still having not spoken, i jump up to my feet and shake my head and smile to my friends. they are my friends. they do not question. they do not pry. they observe and they are receptive and understanding. they know.

i grab some cherries from the wicker table in the vestabule. i trust my friends will take care of things for these 10 minutes. there is something i must do. sometimes, some things just... are. and those times you feel you just must act upon them... you just.. do. things are and they will be. i rub my cheeks as i pedal to the store with 50 cents in one pocket, and my love and a few cherries in the other. i didn't know than that i would be spending precious time with that spot on the pavement beneath the telephone.

but what i did know, was that i was going to make it. maybe not to such a place as here, with whom i share it with, but here. in my heart of hearts of hearts of hearts. out here where the mountains blow us away and the valleys stretch far and wide. like the love i have inside to give. like the happines that fills my life - the things inside that i want to share with you.

i have arrived in edmonton. right now, i am barely awake. i was just looking to update my status. mmmm.

doesn't one ever feel company in a field of long grass and stretches of dancing trees around? doesn't one find the lights in the sky unlike any other spark they've ever witnessed or experienced? doesn't anyone just fall in love?
*sigh*

and i ask myself, why are you even still a source of my greif? i guess a part of me dies when i set you free.

OCTOBER 2008: CHILE W/ PAX

my mum bought my ticket for me today. i'm lucky to have her around. my head has been pounding all day - sometimes i think it's this house. people yelp outside my window, they annoy me to no end. i'm pretty sure my neighbours feel the same way about it. they'll never know. i want to scream out the window, shut the fuck up. i suppose i will give up the breeze as to get away from that lady's nasally, wretched, drunken laugh. it's my last weekend here. i plan to fill it nicely. much relaxation. i am moving home for the last week of my stay. i'm ever so glad it will be where i branch off from. i won't feel any better than leaving from home. home.

aha! i have master-minded my ways around my ridiculous computer that lays upon it's deathbed. no deathbed shall get in the way of my explosion of thoughts and dire need to save them on this here website. wordpad, *type*, ctrl+c, *click*, blogger, ctrl+v! *click*. et voila! my brilliance radiates at such a silly hour in the morning! okay, enough, enough. i'm excited to once again spill my thoughts into this screen. i've been writing a lot more in my journal, though i always do, which feels good because that i will carry with me on my journey. there's so much to type, my fingers cannot seem to work in accordance with the surging electricity running through every inch that is me.during the course of the last few months, i have been communicating back and forth with this really enjoyable young couple from brantford. they came across a post i set up on kijiji classifieds looking for a rideshare to western canada. after learning of them, their interests and their hopes for their time on earth, we decided to meet. they'd been planning this trip for some time, and they're drive and determination and overall positive attitudes drove me in the same direction aswell. 18 and 21, with a 1 year old, married for 3 years. that is what they wanted for their lives. they travel, backpack and crave the world. and not only did they drive from deep in the southern most parts of ontario to meet me here in barrie, we enjoyed a beautiful day at a serene part along the lake and smoked a nice one. they were perfect. the car was loaded, all we were doing was killing time until my moving day. perfect. today, i come home, very haggered after a long, strenuous walk from blaine's to find an e-mail in inbox, dying to be opened. to only come across words that left me feeling so stupid for relying on anyone to reach my own personal goals. anyways, they're not going. they fear they won't have enough money to return to ontario after embarking on such a long trip off of work. understandable but i felt such a gust of confusion and terror. it's easy to let situations such as that tear you down. but i knew i had to step back and properly assess my predicament. okay, so this is happening for a reason. i know i have the means to travel otherwise. agh, it would have been cool to be leisurely, stop where we'd like, take some beautiful shots. does this mean i shouldn't go? should i go? wait, why am i doubting myself? this is just a test. of course i want to go, am i mad. if i don't, i'm going to kick myself. if i don't, where will i be? okay, i am going. nothing like a little test to boost my confidence. the art of perservering has come into play. my date has been pushed forward a few days, but this is nothing detrimental at all. i have a bit more time to cool down with my baby malcolm before i give him away. more time to store my boxes at andrew's (thank the lord for him and that offer). and when i really sit down and think about it, i might be spending less than originally, considering we were taking a week long drive out there. i found a really cheap bus ride from toronto to edmonton for 185 one way. one way :)
okay, well.. i'm tired now. more to come. thank you wordpad. goodnight world.

"i think i am just going to walk around hijab-less in edmonton"

"see, serious identity crisis"

"i think we're all just seeking comfort"


i met jacob and beth today. they are such a loving, happy couple. i can hardly wait to meet lillia. it will be interesting riding with a baby. i have to get my stuff in order quick. i am going to miss my friends. but hardly. i am scared. i can't wait to see matthew. my mind can't slow down long enough to sit and write about anything and make sense.

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