crazy to want

my computer is acting up and it is so hard to type. each letter taking far too long to show itself on screen. malcolm and spic lay sprawled on my bed infront of the yellow night light. i don't dare wake their souls, they are far too precious in their silences. and even when not. i am going to miss my baby malcolm very much. i can't imagine how parents feel about their children. i haven't left barrie yet but i miss it already. i find myself cherishing, savouring things that i've let go unnoticed, the beauty that we're lucky to have surround us. i've been rekindling old fires and re-analyzing friendships and relationships, realizing those i want to stay in contact with. understanding that this is a test of sorts. i realize that this is going to be the first time in my life that i am on my own. my mum will no longer be down the street, no help when i'm hungry, no quick stop bys when i'm down in the dumps. i am scared out of my pants. but i am going because i can't sit here any longer paralyzed with fear. oppourtunities for love, life, and a better sense of independence and strength lay ahead.

i changed the link to this website. julie told me when i found someone that made me feel so compelled, that made the act nothing but a click of a mouse, than i was ready. i'm not sure i found that mirror, that lighthouse. but i have found the hopes in which i will thrive off of, and they have pushed me enough. it is no longer where we breathe, but where i breathe. and my silences are now verbalized. the important ones that i so long ignored.
my room here is so nice right now. it smells wonderful, the walls are clean and for the most part, empty. my space feels ten times bigger and i feel ten times comfier. i'm beyond excited for this trip, but every so often the thought kicks in and ravels around my brain and my heart and reminds me that i will not have a home for some time to come. my bed is more inviting than ever and my possessions are more loved than before. i am taking time to be thankful for what i have, and i know that soon i will understand that concept to an even greater extent. i look forward to living with the bare necessities. i look forward to packing and understanding my needs. i look forward to feeling at peace with myself and the life i carry on my back. i look forward to leaving this stage and welcoming the road as my home. but! i am petrified all in the same. i suppose that's how it goes. welcome to the unknown.

it's always late when i decided to do this..


maybe one day you'll read this. maybe one day you'll understand that some random serendipitous occurances have all lead up to how i feel about you. the happiness i feel in thoughts of you is beyond moviescreen, beyond any orchestral symphony, beyond any description.

on this harvest moon.

well since it is now 2 in the morning instead of 11 o'clock which is when i had originally planned to plump my tush down and write, i will keep this very short. neil young sings me to sleep, and thoughts of you never seize to leave my body. thoughts of somewhere else, thoughts of something fresh, thoughts of building. it's like looking into life and not merely at it.

ashley is leaving for out west on saturday. i leave to richmond hill tomorrow. i'm going to miss her dearly for i know not when she will return. thankfully i'll be able to have more contact with her than i thought. she's holding on to my tiger lily. and my heart. i'll see her soon.

i look to my right, have i done this before? it's hard for my mind to wander into thoughts of anything else other than the idea of you and what could come. i hope you haven't stopped thinking about it, either.

ta-da:

print resumes.
kozlov mall - adult passport application
inquire bus prices and schedules
consult mario
talk to enslen
begin sorting for garage sale (lists)
$52. 00: phone bill
cam: rent
mum
clinic
retrieve boxes for packing
laundry
*richmond hill this weekend
seminar
mock trial
buy new diary $1$
cds

that's enough for now!