i miss you.

growth is the only evidence of life. - john henry newman.

all things from the C.

all hail the heartbreaker

i guess i bit my tongue for far too long. i know what's right, but it hurts to admit that it's so. i wanted to believe i made you happy, i wanted to believe we were happy. i guess these things just tend to fall apart. i didn't want this.

ughfsdfkljsdkjdskljsfdklsdfljsflflslffslfsdsf.

pitter patter goes my heart

today was the worst day ever. this all starts with me, ends with me, is up to me. i need to learn to stop biting my tongue.



did you know i'd do anything for you? it may sound cliche but if you're happy, i'm happy. i'm really sorry you're insecure about that. a promise isn't a promise until you keep it, and i stay true. i care alot about you, i don't know if i tell you enough.

i continually look in all different directions for somewhere, someone to shift the blame to for this gut wrenching feeling of churning anxiety. all i know is the Creator is perfect, and does not make mistakes.why do i do anything when it's not needed?
what a rollercoaster, one minute you're so far down you feel as though you're about to slip right through your sit and the next, you're up top what feels to be the whole world, the sky within reach.

aghh.

just feel alive.

I wake up early. It's probably the way the sun comes in and hits me across the legs, the way the room is still full of the chill of night, but I'm cozy in his warm sweater and under heavy comforters, the way I can stretch and turn over and stretch again.
I take a long shower under pounding water. God, steaming cleansing streaming water. On my face, my back, my hair; lather, rinse, repeat. A towel, warm and clothes clean from the dryer.
Breakfast. I open the curtains, and let the yellow sun pour in, the back porch and trees all brilliant with summer nearing. T'is warm, a coffee, eggs, toast. The house creaks as I proceed to open every shade in the house, windows and blinds letting in both gold and cold.
I'm going to go somewhere, no way I'm staying inside this early on a glorius June day, crisp and clear and warm in the sunlight and chilled in the shade, blue and sky and brightness.
I've walked this trail once before, summers ago, with my brother. It's less recognizable with no leaves all over, when I get to the halfway mark I am breathing deep and heavy, filling my lungs. I stand in the opening, and take in the sight spread out beneath me. Moments, really. I left the trail somewhere and I'm climbing up the side of the hill.
I could fall and hurt myself, no one would know. I could get lost and no one would know where I was. I could reach anywhere, the top of the world even and share the triumph with myself, alone in clear sunlight and brilliance.
I do, and stand there breathing, nose and hands red with exertion and cold, tingling with life and thrill and power and me. Just me.
I take my time getting home.

The Buddhists say "Don't cling to things, because everything is impermanent."

But then isn't the whole point of living is to experience it, go through all the twists and turns that life throws at you? How could you be able to do that if you are detached? Detachment doesn't mean you don't let the experiences penetrate you. On the contrary, you let it penetrate you fully. That's how you are able to leave it. If you hold back on the emotions, if you don't allow yourself to go all the way through them, you can never get to being detached, you're then too busy being afraid. You're afraid of the pain, you're afraid of the grief. You're afraid of the vulnerability that loving entails. Put yourself through into these emotions, by allowing yourself to dive in, all the way, over your head even, you experience them fully and completely. You know what pain is. You know what love is . You know what grief is. And only then can you say, "All right. I have experienced that emotion. I recognize that emotion. Now you need to detach from that emotion for a moment." I thought about how often this was needed in everyday life. How we feel lonely, sometimes to the point of tears, but we don't let those tears come because we are not supposed to cry. Or how we feel a surge of love for someone but we don't say anything because we're frozen with the fear of what harms those words might do to the relationship.Turn on the faucet. If you let the fear inside, if you pull it on like a familiar shirt, then you can say to yourself, "All right, it's just fear, I don't have to let it control me. I see it for what it is."

shades of grey.

There's no reason for despair.

One must realize that our life in this world will not become easier; on the contrary, it will become much harder, for we are late with our correction. Each time, this lack of correction comes back to us, pressures us, and forces us to start reforming ourselves.
This is why the faster we start rising above our egoism, the faster will we feel the world of Infinity, the flow of this endless life and love.