your love leads me like the tide...

and i would tell the truth, but i can't help myself. you're catching on, you've caught on. but, when i lay my head to sleep at night, emotions running through my head.. i smile. you can't possibly begin to imagine how i wish it could be. if only this was different. if only we were different people. if only the rules would let me love you.... *sigh*

absence leads to adoration....

i miss you.
listening to his voice isn't the same without you next to me.

i think i hate you...

On my way to work, I saw a man around my father's age carrying his four or five year old daughter as he and his wife crossed the street. The wife stopped for a moment, to check her ringing cellphone. While they waited, the little girl had her arms wrapped around her father's neck, their cheeks touching. She looked happy, safe. The man I'd grown up thinking was my father never held me. I don't even recall him carrying me, even if it was like a sack of potatoes. A little girls relationship with father is so special. Only glancing at this little girl's cute, contented face, I knew that in her heart, she had faith that her daddy could drive away demons, could lift her above any danger, keep her out of any fire or flood, and help her defeat any pain. She'd surround herself with his power, like some suit of armor, and she'd never be afraid of the dark. She'll become a young lady, searching for a man to love her as much as her daddy did. Even when she finds such a person, she'll turn to her father to feel secure about her decision, and when she looks at him, she will see that he sees her forever and always as his little girl. Not a million days, not a million ticks of a clock, not a million strings of birthdays could change it, and even if she would get him to say that she was no longer his baby, she would see a smile behind his agreement that said, "However, you'll always be my baby girl."

the photograph is proof...

i closed my eyes. we were so young then. all of us were at joey's. jessica was giggling loudly. i looked at you, and you seemed to have this sunshine coming from your face. yours and joey's smiles glowed so warmly along with jessica's that i felt like i could rise and float to them all. we were angels than. a family of angels, with an unbreakable bond, on a particularly warm new years eve - forgetting everything but our own joy in each other. i wish i knew. i would have held you tight to me. i would have never let go. i never knew forever until 9 months ago. and i mean it when i say i would have held on forever. but the memory of us so happy brought a smile to my face. i could feel it settling on my lips and i brushed away my steady tears. it seems so easy to just let go and float back to joyful times - there's no more pain, no more tears that way. we could start agan. than you could have your second chance. than we could keep the fucking doors of that cuckoo clock closed and stop time from moving us forward, the hands on the face frozen.... i fell asleep than. i don't even know how long i slept. my eyes were so full of haze that whenever i opened them and looked around, it was as if i was floating in the center of a cloud and trying to see the world around me. i couldn't even make out the numbers on my goddamn clock. when suddenly. i didn't care. what difference does time make? time's only a reminder that soon we will all be saying goodbye. why did we have to say goodbye?why is life so cruel to us?why are you gone?why can't i move on?why, why, why, why, why, why.these questions constantly circle 'round my brain, my heart.there's life beyond those shiny gates, my love. that i believe, for it's all i can. and it's through me, and through those along side myself, whom will never forget you and your impact on our lives, that you'll live the rest of your years.

a loss of you, is a gain of me...

than the ambulance comes.
and she says: the signs are all vital.
but you're in critical shape, darling.
i promised to never have a heart again.
so how could it be broken?

and when i flatlined, i realized it wasn't you at all.
i need to realize i am better than this.
than you.

because all by myself, i could be okay.

play crack the sky...

i suppose all my life i have been afraid of promises. a promise, it's a way to expose your heart. whether i'm the one giving it or accepting it. let's not make any promises, and we'll never be disappointed in each other.

we are nowhere, and it's now...

maybe to be love, to be cared for, is a luxury. i heard it once said that people could like each other without loving each other. there are so many resentments floating around that even liking you is a real challenge. i feel like someone who has to tiptoe on thin ice, all day and all night - in fear i'm going to make the wrong move, that will once and for all crack the weak floor that has held up our fake relationship. these hallways.... should be sounding with laughter. these mirrors... worn out with smiles. these walls, especially... should be tall enough, strong enough, to keep out the unwanted. my clock moves it's hands, ticking away as i try to sleep at night, reminding me that we can wish all we want, as hard as we may, but we can't keep tomorrow away.

lovers turn into monsters

i close my eyes and your bright eyes burn through my exploding heart. i'm so sick of biting my tongue. if we could just both get past being scared... scared of truth, and honesty. scared of living, learning, and feeling. by now I'm so sick of being scared. but, i find myself sitting here, shaking incesently, thinking things through too many a time. to the point where I'm drained of all hope you ever gave me for this life. would you reassure me? i don't know how much longer i can take. for now, ill wait. i'll be waiting for this pain to cure my fear. to be left with nothing? nothing but a poem on a page, an evening with saddle creek? is it possible for two people to need the same thing? and i think i deserve you.