tonight was devil's night. the police offers were spread out amongst the whole town. i crossed my line with smoking tonight. and it's made me think a lot. atleast, everything is intense to a very great extent. i thought about how i felt hollow. i have made mistakes. or stumbled, rather on this path of oncoming and hidden obstacles to the sun. i understand now that i have not reached the stage of perceiving the repurcussions of my actions. the clocks been going in circles for some time since the red lights. i only realize now how i should understand and assess the situation. god fled from me, i let go of his hands such a long time ago. and i have finally made my way back to him, stronger than before. my legs are still wobbly. i still feel a hint of doubt. i feel how pure my intentions are. i feel like i can learn. it's hard to admit, but i fear. god's wish right now is so unclear to me. tonight is the first night i prayed. that i talked to my true inner self in ages. than i prayed for all that was just. all that was real. i made a mistake, i was not entirely true to myself, but have only come to the reality of this just now, in this i was not true to many other things, and something ever so special and sacred to me. this is yet another obstacle to be surmounted. i am closer. things have taken different shape. i wish you here. i am positively set on embarking on an adventure. i am always here, there, and everywhere. the creator, you and i. i miss feeling so connected, 3 souls, in our silences. in the blue box. i remember how nicely the trees shone on the wall across from the window. the leaves would dance amongst the yellow light, as i followed the starry night, creeping down the closet - music usually playing. i feel so very odd, i cannot explain the feeling quite right, thinking about other times such as those. it's so cheesy that i giggle, sigh and develop a dreamy gaze. i remember so many peaceful times in that blue box. you're the only one who reads this, i suppose this here blog isn't even for me anymore. i love you. i care for you and wish you an abundance of so many amazing things. i am here for you. i want to help. i want to be. i want to see you smile. i want to see you fall. and pick yourself up. i want to see you flying kites - i did that the other day with my mum and the dog in the park. i feel the light. i feel you and i feel you inside now more than ever. i am so deep in lost thoughts, i apologize for being all over the place. shine. frolick. smile. spread out your wings. you are beautiful. you are dear.

all i wanna do is ride bikes with you, and stay up late... and watch cartoons.


"sir, do you walk, play and sing?"
"is this a request?"
"who loves the sun :)?"
*ba ba ba baaaah, who looooves the sun!*
what a nice walk home. a complete stranger, an older man, played music by my side, walking down my busy street. it's a beautiful day. i came home and opened every window in the house. fall is nearly over. i am going off to the private docks by the lake surrounding this city tonight. to read and relax. today was a new day. :)

i haven't had a good night's sleep in so long. i think i have a slight case of insomnia. my alarm clock has stopped ticking and it's perfectly wound. he never liked listening to it, especially falling asleep. the sounds of sigur ros with the continuous soft ticks and tocks calm me. i don't like sleeping in my bed alone. i miss his touch.
please, if you have the chance, watch this video. it's heaven.
http://youtube.com/watch?v=doc1eqstMQQ

i have seen the others! and i have discovered! that this fight is not worth fighting.
take a shower, shine your shoes, you've got no time to lose. you are young, man! you must be living. go now, you are forgiven.
skippity skip skip skip :)!

one heavy february

Tonight the neon answers flared,
Occasionally we stopped and stared past tiny paintings,
Painted where all the clouds were wrong,
With killer stares and sideways frowns,
In keeping with, the universe all upside down, twice,
And broken legs and arms in slings,
You cry secretly, but won't wear my diamond ring why?

A billion cares, a thousand stings cried secretly,
Choose the chapter where they start fights,
And millionaires have bought this town and changed everything.
You found me in the lost and found,
White, white, white!

tied up in ancient history

Just because its the end of the beginning doesn't mean its the beginning of the end

****
Funny how long
A moment can seem
When you're trying to hold on
***

what a feeling in my soul
love burns brighter than the sunshine
it's brighter than sunshine
let the rain fall, i don't care
my heart is keeping time with yours

***

open the curtain, let some light in.
open the window, let some air in.
i feel so grey.
you open your mouth and i know
what you're going to say.












the same thing that blew us together
might blow us apart
so i keep a piece of you precious
and close to my heart

*****

where is my home? it's early morning, things are bad and i still remember your number. i have to remind myself you're not home. take your shoes with you. buck up, baby. i watched a video tonight and climaxed. my soul felt so light, the hair on my arm stood on end and i felt i should shout out. the scales aren't balanced, but i need to leave this place. this isn't my home. i am really lost. i'm in the dark, thanking you for the light i know is ahead. *sigh*

Breathe! I am alive!

i walked slowly and mindfull through a green forest this morning, a brilliant red-orange sun roze on the horizon.

peace is every step.
the shining red sun is in my heart.
each flower smiles with me.
how green, how fresh all that grows.
how cool the wind blows.
peace is every step.
it turns the endless path to joy.

walk this way. a flower will bloom under our feet with every step. the flowers will smile at us, wishing us well on our way. i don't have to travel far away to enjoy the blue sky. i don't have to leave the city or even this subdivision to enjoy the eyes of a beautiful child. the air i breathe is a source of joy. i am smiling, breathing, walking, eating my meals in such a way. i am in touch with an abundance of happiness. most of us are very good at preparing to live, but falter when it comes to being good at living. peace is every step.

......... let the dandelion keep your smile, if that be the case. it is faithful. be mindful. breathe in awareness. your smile will return.

if you are reading this...

you're inside of me, beside me, behind me, infront of me, here for me. thank you for being you.

this is all so overrated. i'd much rather be at home right now, curled up, in the comfort of my family's home. i miss my mother so bad it hurts. i miss my home.

Moving towards the shadows, Before I lose the chance....

THESE WORDS ON PAPER SMELL LIKE YOU.

I am aglow with thoughts of you
Are the stories that you told me true?
It doesn’t matter if they are
They are to me, I am aglow
Some might say these thoughts are wrong
That you might see yourself in this song
I hope that you don’t mind if you do
I am aglow with thoughts of you
Does it matter that what I remember might be
Just my own imagination painting scenes more pretty
Is it obvious? Does it show?
With thoughts of you I am aglow
Some might say I’m thinking in sin
So I’ll just sit back and take you in
You’re a map of a place maybe someday I’ll go
With thoughts of you I am aglow
Does it matter that what I remember is not true
Does it matter that all I can think of is you

Is it obvous, does it show?
With thoughts of you...
I AM AGLOW.

friend of the night.

the flowers they gave me are rotting and still i refuse to throw them out. some of the bulbs never opened quite fully. they might, so i'm waiting. things i have loved i'm allowed to keep.

you're the prayer inside me.

the trees dance under the moonlight, i hear them rustling from outside these 4 walls as the rain falls from the sky, soaking everything through.

*****

my finger slides across the page. it's coloured in orange. ryan softly points his pencil into the paper where my finger rested seconds before... "right here". right there, and right here.

********

i prepare myself for a good night's rest. i lay my head down. thoughts of you. we dance with the trees outside, moon overtop. and the stars come out to play.

Light Up The Sky

i have woken early and find myself in a haze. i gaze off out the window to mixtures of red, orange and yellow tree tops for as far as anyone can see. the sun is gently trickling along the ripples in the lake that surrounds this town. not another sign of human life is obvious. i welcome the shadows creeping upon me. i am one, as i lay sprawled out on the green. one with the dew droplets that have formed on each and every blade of grass, sending me a chill every time the breeze whisps over me. one with the spider curiously making it's way onto my page. one with the cotton balls in the sky. they are stretched across the sky and calm me. one with the train behind the house making it's way by. the ground rumbles and i watch as it is almost never ending. the dog howls in response to it. the sun nearly blinds me and i close my eyes.

all we have is more than you know, one day we will see...

may the sunrise bring hope where it once was forgotten

All of this world
We have hungered
But nothing here
Can quench our thirst.

What's here, now gone. These thoughts echo through my head every day. And I don't think they will ever go away. But we can't go back, I am on my own. I'm waiting for this task to end, so these lighter days can soon begin. I'll be alone, but maybe more carefree. Like a kite that flies so effortlessly. All these faces numb the same - so many lifeless empty hands. I turn off my bolts of pain, and tuck them away.. till these rainy days that make them stay. But I'm going to myself one more shot. I'll find it in myself.

So Please understand if i don't answer the phone.

oh, my dear.

Sometimes things happen that remind me that I don't know everything that's going on around me. Dig deeply within the recesses of your subconscious.